Talk Softly & Carry A Big Head of Hair

Translation:

Troy: "As you can imagine, I am very upset that the Steelers are once again not in the Super Bowl. I don't wish to offend anyone by expressing my opinion on the matter, so I'll let my Anger Translator, On-Field Troy, do my speaking for me."

On-Field Troy: "Super Bowl? SUPER BOWL! This ain't no Super Bowl without the Steelers! Yo mamma makes a better Super Bowl after eating a gas station burrito than this!"

Yes. That word in the picture IS "better" and not "butter." The idea of a Super Bowl made of butter is hilarious and intriguing, but not what Shawn was going for.

Rumor has it that sketch comics Key & Peele got their idea for Obama's Anger Translator Luther from Troy Polamalu. I'm sure Troy was nice enough to let them use the idea without crediting him.

I've never heard Polamalu raise his voice. All over my tv. RT @LesIzMore Being a quiet defensive NFL player doesn’t get you commercials
— D'Brickashaw (@DragonflyJonez) January 22, 2014

@DragonflyJonez @LesIzMore he can't raise his voice though. He talks like Michael Jackson.
— jessica danielle (@NFLGoodwitch) January 22, 2014

@DragonflyJonez Polamalu was #6 in top marketing NFL players in 2012 http://t.co/RWRgvyxZJn
— Gold Solid Gold (@GoffSolid) January 22, 2014

@DragonflyJonez Head & Shoulders commercials= his hair is loud
— Ronnie Dumagpi (@RonEDumagpi) January 22, 2014

While Troy is a lovely human being off the field, doing charity work, mentoring younger players, and donating organs to those in need, Troy ON field is a dangerous beast without any sense of morals, integrity, or respect for human life. See the videos below for a few examples of how the big-haired veteran we know and love can turn into a monster for 60 minutes every Sunday.

Much like a football-playing Superman, Troy can jump offensive lines in a single bound.

Sometimes Troy's Anger Translator gets a little...TOO intense...

Head & Shoulders isn't the only product that Troy feels passionate about!

Too Much Free Time

For the first time in five years, the Ravens aren't going to the playoffs. Frankly, we didn't deserve to win. We played like shit all year on all sides of the ball (except the Justin Tucker side, a.k.a. "the sexiest side of the ball"), and the fact that Andy Dalton threw FOUR PICKS and STILL got his team the division championship is [expletive deleted] ludicrous. But that was 2013; today is the second day of a shiny new year. A year when we'll hopefully fire (out of a cannon) Michael Oher, the most penalized player in the NFL. (Scroll about 2/3 down to find the stats; I can't direct link to it.) A year when we find a way to create an offensive line that keeps our (overpaid?) quarterback from ending up flat on his back like a high school kid on prom night. A year...sorry, I zoned out there, thinking about how happy I was a year ago. How full of hope and excitement that maybe - just maybe - this would be our year. *sigh* Those days seem like a lifetime ago.

ANYWAY...

I've found myself with an abundance of time this January during Sunday afternoons and evenings. I plan on visiting some places in Colorado I've never been to, maybe catch up on my reading, walk my dog a little bit more. I don't really have any team that I want to go all the way more than others. I'm basically rooting for everyone who plays the Broncos and the Patriots. One and done, baby. That's all I want. Shawn told me that someone had asked him if he'd finally root for the Broncos this year. His reply: "I'd rather root for ball cancer."

Me: "If I had a dollar for every time someone in the Ravens bar screamed, 'Hurry the fuck up, Joe!' at the TV, I could buy a pile of coke the size of this building."

Shawn: "You know who DOES have a dollar for every time someone's yelled that? Joe Flacco."

*rimshot* Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. Goodnight.

How Very Unlike You, Troy

Crudely-Drawn Steelers Coach Mike Tomlin: "Polamalu! What the hell was that ridiculously early jump last night? [Sunday's late game] It's unlike you! Do you need a concussion test?!"
Crudely-Drawn Troy Polamalu: "Coach, please remember that this is a game. We are lucky to be part of it and should enjoy doing it. I enjoy jumping over the o-line. What do you enjoy?"
C-DSCMT: "Not getting penalties."
C-DTP: "Oh...


Non-supportive Husband Steve: "Why don't you have pictures of them instead of drawings?"
Me: "Because I didn't have the time to Google image search appropriate pictures of the two of them, print them out, cut them to an appropriate size, and then put them on the white board."
Supportive Husband Steve: "The drawings look nice."

I Don't Even Know I Can't Even

I want to start off by saying that I OBVIOUSLY should have written this post sooner, like, well before the game instead of well after. But I'd like to blame Shawn (because it's easy) for my slacking, as he was out of the office on Thursday and Friday (I'm sure with a legit reason), so I couldn't really get into a shit-talking mood. Good thing, turns out.

This Ravens - Steelers game was uglier than the population of Pittsburgh. Both sides were awful, but it turns out, the Ravens were more awful. Let's not discuss the on-side kick that was ruined by an offside penalty and by MVP of the Year Justin Tucker touching the damn thing too early then getting SMOKED while he was trying to recover it. (1:22 shows the close-up.) 

Then you have Troy COMPLETELY blowing the timing on a field goal snap. It wasn't his first misread of the game, although it was certainly the most "WTF" to watch. Because he's been spending too much energy trying to read the QB's/snapper's minds, I think he's started living 3 seconds in the future. (That's a thing, right?)

So here's what Shawn wrote as a way of...I don't know...trying to be clever. I spent most of the week in a simmering, art school kid seethe about it. I mean, if you're going to write a parody of a form poem, you need to actually maintain the form (meter, rhyme scheme, etc.). But whatever. The rhyming got better towards the end, and as Shawn said, "YOU try writing something creative in two minutes!" Please see my (unfinished, thanks to a creativity drain at the end of the week) poem at the end of this post. It took me one minute to write.

"Twas the week before the Ravens Steelers game and not a player was stirring, not even a Ryan Clark Twitter posting. The jock straps were tightened with care in hopes that no fumble pile crotch shots would be there. The coaches were nestled all snug in their film rooms with visions of helmet-to-helmet collisions and Troy's flowing hair. When out on the ketchup field arose such a clatter as Brett Keisel's beard shouted, "Whatsa matter?" Joe Flacco sprang from the pocket with a flash to throw another check down to Ray Rice at the hash. Lawrence Timmons screamed, "On Haywood, on Taylor, on Williams and Jones RIP apart these damn Ravens, tear their skin from their bones!"

#Steelers 19 #Ravens 16 FINAL Ah, this is reminiscent of a time not so long ago when the outcome of this game would actually mean something.
— NOTSportsCenter NFL (@NOTSCNFL) October 20, 2013

Nikki's Poem
Twas the night before game day
and all through the streets,
not a person was shit-talking,
not even Ryan Clark's tweets.

Terrible Towels
were strung far and wide
so crying Steelers fans
had somewhere to hide.

The Ravens were sleeping
all snug in their nest,
dreaming of last year
when they were the best.

Perhaps I'll finish writing this poem for the Thanksgiving Night game...WHICH I'LL BE ATTENDING AT HOME IN BALTIMORE BECAUSE MY DADDY GOT ME TICKETS!!!!!!...but we'll see.

The Apocalypse is Coming

Brainstorm: Top 10 Signs the Apocalypse is Coming - NFL Version

1. The Chiefs are undefeated.
2. The Steelers are 0-4 for the first time in 45 years.
3. The Browns have won 2 games in a row, are at the "top" of the AFC North. (2nd behind Ravens)
4. Tom Brady is struggling to beat teams by 20 points.
5. Rex Ryan is relatively "thin."
6. Roddy White is stinking it up.
7. Eagles fans cheered for Donovan McNabb and Andy Reid.
8. Despite his best efforts, Shawn still hasn't won a fantasy football game.
9. Meanwhile, Marshall is winning the league.
10. Nikki would rather be outside than watch football.

*Tim Tebow is no longer in the NFL this year...COINCIDENCE?

James Harrison: Man of Many Emotions

We all know that James Harrison isn't right in the head. (Note: this is a mostly satirical piece. Although that pic at the top is AWESOME.) His teammates and colleagues around the league all know it. You know it; I know it. The internet especially knows it. Here are two memes I've found about him that I love.

Tee shirt that I NEED to own based on an actual photo of Harrison

Relevant to yesterday's entry

But then Shawn sent me a beautiful video that shows the softer side of James and reveals that he's actually a human being that can feel emotions and make real connections with other humans.

His quiet, "I miss him" pretty much broke my little bleeding heart.

James Smash Ben!

 

Big Ben: "AW MAAAAN! I gotta play HARRISON ON MONDAY? I'm gonna die!"

James Harrison, defying gravity: "BenGAl KITeY has cLAwS! bENgal sMaSH!"

Troy: "You see, Ben, when chance meets opportunity, opportunity should run for the sideline."

Ray, handsome as always: "YO! HOW DO MY TEETH LOOK ON TV?"

RvT has an all-new look! In that Ray's no longer in uniform, and I have multiple pictures I plan on using for Troy. This is his "One does not simply walk into Mordor" expression for when he gives advice.

Shawn's take on our characters' reactions to Ben's lament isn't quite what I had in mind, but it's probably much better. My idea was just to have everyone tell Ben he was going to die. :p

The Bengals beat the Steelers, although since I was watching Dollhouse on Netflix, I don't know what the final score was. I could Google it, but it's late, and I want to go to bed. I'll have another entry tomorrow morning anyway, so I'll save some other material for then. For now, I'll drift off to sleep and dream of laughing at Shawn because his team is 0-2 and huddled with the Browns at the bottom of the AFC North.

Nikki Post: GOOD NEEEWWWWWS, Everyone!

Oh, what's that? Someone's got tickets to see the RUMBLE OF THE SEASON ON THANKSGIVING DAY??!?!? While other suckers will be eating turkey and watching the Cowboys and Lions lose on Thanksgiving, husband (yay! I'm married now!) Steve and I are going to the game! My daddy has been working for MONTHS to get these tickets. When he finally did, I made the mistake of asking him how he got them. Daddy reminded me that I shouldn't ask questions about such things. It's the number one rule for Italian men: don't ask questions if you're not willing to perjure yourself about the answers.

This is the best wedding present EVER.

AFC North: A Clusterf*ck of a Division

The first week of NFL football was a complete wreck, at least for fans of the teams of the AFC North. The Ravens were CLOBBERED by the Broncos. I was at that game, and all I could do was laugh. Nothing was going right for us, and Peyton and his receivers were throwing the ball over our defense like they were eighth graders, and our guys were fifth graders. Mile High was a dangerous and hostile place to be if you weren't a Broncos fan.

I was able to take solace in one beautiful fact though: while the Ravens lost to a future hall-of-famer, the Steelers lost to the TENNESSEE TITANS at their home stadium in Pittsburgh! They also lost four of their starters to injuries. It was basically a banner day for a loser who's less of a loser than other losers.

The Openly-Gay NBA Player & the Incomprehension of Mike Wallace

In a ground-breaking announcement today, NBA free agent Jason Collins has become the first non-retired professional athlete (baseball, football, basketball, hockey, soccer) to come out as a gay  man. As you can imagine, the internet exploded...until Tim Tebow got shit-canned, and then everyone moved on. Sorta.

I'm an active ally in the LGBT movement, so I'm incredibly proud of Mr. Collins for taking the brave step of coming out and being true to himself. As he says in his Sports Illustrated article, "I didn't set out to be the first openly gay athlete playing in a major American team sport. But since I am, I'm happy to start the conversation. I wish I wasn't the kid in the classroom raising his hand and saying, "I'm different." If I had my way, someone else would have already done this. Nobody has, which is why I'm raising my hand."

Mike Wallace, formerly of the Steelers and currently of the Dolphins, was apparently the first person to "say something dumb" about Collins' revelation:

(Source)

Honestly, as far as athletes' reactions to LGBT news, this is really, really mild. Wallace isn't hating on Collins specifically, or even gay men in general; he just said that the idea of someone being with a person of the same sex was a foreign concept to him. Now, I'm not trying to excuse Wallace's comments entirely; they WERE dumb and fairly insensitive to the gay community. But really? Admitting ignorance on a subject rather than just Twitter-blasting hate speech isn't, in my opinion, something to get that worked up over. Chances are good my comrades in the LGBT community disagree, but that's the lovely thing about being a human; we can all be a part of a supportive, collective movement and still disagree with one another.

Give Mike Wallace a break. I'm sure he got mad schooled by hundreds of people (on Twitter and on blogs) for every several dozen of fans supporting his statements. He took the tweets down and immediately apologized. Hopefully in the future he'll think twice before tweeting and maybe do some research as to why "guys wanna mess with other guys" to purge the ignorance from his mind.

Bye-Bye, Mr. Harrison

This free agency season has been a...confusing and frustrating one for members of the AFC North, the Ravens and Steelers in particular. I refuse - REFUSE - to discuss the changes Ravens' General Manager Ozzie Newsome has been making, as I've FINALLY gotten my blood pressure down to normal levels. I'll just say that if I go bald before my wedding because of Ravens personnel-related stress, Oz will have to hire more security.

Okay. So. As you can see from the board above, James Harrison has been cut by the Steelers. As you can see from the screenshot of his Twitter feed, James doesn't talk as...Hulk-esque as Shawn and I make him. Although he COULD have a ghost-writer, so who knows. Rumors are spreading that the Steelers and Harrison may reunite if they can come to an agreement about his salary, but there have also been rumors (which I HOPE TO GOD aren't true) that Ozzie has spoken with him and his agent.

Frankly, Harrison going to the Ravens is a HORRIBLE personnel move, in my opinion. I know that so many players say "Oh, we're enemies on the field, but off the field we don't hate each other, blah blah blah," but James is a dirty player who's injured our players before and has shown no remorse for it. I HIGHLY doubt that the locker room atmosphere wouldn't be tense (to put it mildly). I think James should retire, as he's 35 and has been banged up a lot the last few years. Shawn thinks that another team should sign him as a "two-down, pass-rush specialist." "He can cover, he can stop the run, but the wear and tear might just be too much for a 35-year-old." But will James take a position like that (not a starter)? And will he do it for less money than he thinks he deserves?

A lot of quality veterans and (in our minds) crucial guys from both teams have been traded/cut so far in free agency. Ravens fans are told from birth, "In Oz we trust," but as I told someone on Facebook earlier today, Ozzie Newsome is not a great and powerful wizard who can see through time and make infallible decisions. This may be the year he falls from his emerald tower.

The Disembodied Shoulder of Rashard Mendenhall

Ray's Retirement Party Week continues with a visit from the Ghost of Injuries Past.

Many Ravens fans remember with glee the HUGE hit Ray Lewis gave Rashard Mendenhall at the then-rookie's first visit to Baltimore. The video below isn't great as far as quality is concerned, but you can still see the hit and get the level of pain Mendenhall had to have been in.

EDIT: Shawn said that I needed to post a transcript for the above photo, as "No one can understand what the hell [he] wrote." Please see below.

Transcript:

Troy: "Really Mr. Lewis, the game will miss you."
Disembodied Shoulder of Rashard Mendenhall: "The game may but I sure won't! Don't let the door hit you!"
Ray: "! WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?"
Troy: "Oh! That's Rashard's broken shoulder. It's a little bitter."
Disembodied Shoulder of Rashard Mendenhall: "Yo mamma!"
Ray: "HA!" 

Ka-BOOM!

Only a few days prior, Rashard had been sending some texts to friend Ray Rice, which were promptly posted on the Ravens' bulletin board in the locker room. As former Raven player Bart Scott said at the time, "He said later that he was just joking, but it's too late. Thanks for the bulletin-board material, rookie."

Ray-Ray's hit on Mendenhall was so hard that it broke the kid's shoulder, ending his rookie season only four weeks into the 2008 season. Many people considered the timing of the hit - Mendenhall talking smack, Mendenhall going to the hospital - to be a little TOO coincidental. Thanks to T-Sizzle's big mouth, it was leaked that the Ravens had put a bounty on that particular Steeler (and his teammate Hines Ward). While Ward was flattered, he reminded Sizzle that such things aren't kosher in the NFL. Ray's smack talking to Sports Illustrated not long after the game pretty much confirmed that the hit was fierce on purpose.

Source

Now, I'm not saying that Ray Lewis isn't a "dirty" player. I'm not saying that the Ravens are angels on the field. They can be brutal. After all, try counting the number of times sportscasters use the (stupid) term "smash mouth" to describe the Baltimore team's defensive playing. But the Steelers aren't saints either. Hines Ward was often voted the NFL's Dirtiest Player by his league peers in 2009, and let's face it: James Harrison is the result of a lion, a furious rhino, and a cheetah mating in a horrible threesome. (Troy comes in at #9 on that same poll. Ray Lewis is #11. James somehow managed not to be included in the top 16; perhaps his peers were terrified he'd go after them?)

Without a powerhouse like Lewis on the team, here's hoping that other Ravens (Sizzle? Kruger? Ngata? Reed?) step up to destroy the "enemy" week after week. But not with hits to the head. That shit's not cool.

Steelers in the News

The comments, according to Steve, are the best part of this article about Chris Rainey getting fired after getting arrested.

http://profootballtalk.nbcsports.com/2013/01/10/steelers-cut-chris-rainey-hours-after-arrest/

Note that next to the comments on the right side of the screen is a "Days Without an Arrest" clock. Yesterday, it was at something like 14. Whomp whomp. Way to break the streak, Rainey.

Post-Season Poetry

That Troy...such a wordsmith.

The Ravens take on the Colts at home on Sunday. Everyone's very excited. It's probably going to be Ray Lewis's last time running through that tunnel, doing his "squirrel dance," and getting everyone at M&T Bank Stadium to their feet in a frenzy of blood lust and excitement. Shawn and I are planning a special retirement party for Ray, so keep your eyes on the blog!

Vacation

The blog has been quiet this last week only because I've been back in Baltimore for Christmas and haven't had time to update. My mom and I went to the AWESOME Ravens-Giants game and lost our minds with glee. When I'm back in Denver, I'll update with pictures of our joy and at least one picture of Shawn looking sad. After all, the Steelers were eliminated from the playoffs last week (thanks to the Cowboys, of all teams), so Ben gets to spend the post-season cuddling his wife and son. Happy New Year, Ben. :)

The Christmas Spirit

Poor Ray. It's bad enough that he can't play because of his triceps injury. Now Troy is making fun of him! Hopefully the Ravens win today and put Troy in his place! ;)

HE'S BACK, BABY!!

Oh, James. I like sandwiches too. <3

Baltimore sports blogs, news, and radio shows are blowing up with giddiness that our Fearless Leader and Official Mascot Ray Lewis has returned to the field for practice. Not gonna lie, I'm excited as well. Of course, I'm terrified that he's risking hurting himself more, because (and don't tell him I said this) at his age, it takes longer to heal. There's also considerable (and legitimate) concern that Sizzle is coming back too soon from his injury as well. These guys...I know we need to lock up the division, but dudes...we're playing the Broncos Peyton Manning and the Giants in a couple of weeks! Yes, everyone loves RG3; he's the break-out Rookie of the Year. But...I still can't get excited about the Redskins...which inevitably means this will be a terrible, awful game against them. I'm only doing pre-show and a scene in Act II on Sunday's matinee, so I'll be in the green room listening to the game from my Ravens app. Hopefully I remember not to scream so loudly the audience can hear me. :p

BONUS VIDEOS!!!

I hadn't seen this video yet, but while reading an article on the Ravens' official website, I saw it, and immediately fell in love.

"I'M YO FAM'LY!!"

"You're my family."

The latest Madden 2013 Rivalry between dreamboat actor Paul Rudd and not-very-good-at-playing-Madden Ray Lewis continues into the Christmas season. The men have taken their rivalry VERY SERIOUSLY, and don't even know where they are or what time it is. 

"You just fa la la la la la la la LOST!"

Seriously?

The last Ravens - Steelers game of the regular season was a cluster-eff on both sides of the ball and the sidelines. Whether I was drinking heavily because of John Harbaugh's utter inability to manage the clock properly in the second half, because of Joe Flacco's inability to THROW THE BALL AWAY TO THE SIDELINE INSTEAD OF TO A STEELERS RECEIVER when pressure is on, or because Paul Kruger got a damn roughing-the-passer penalty just in time to let the Steelers win by a field goal in regulation, I was drinking heavily. Also, Audra was in town. Also, my body reminded me yesterday that I am 29 now and therefore can no longer drink like I'm 21.

This is all not to say that the Steelers looked like an elite team. For example, this happened:

Via the HuffPo

And this happened:

Via Outside the Boxscore

But at the end of the day, third-string QB Charlie Batch got to cry with joy (and shock, probably) into Big Ben's pillowy bosom because HE had won the game against the Ravens IN THEIR HOUSE against all the odds put up against him.

Needless to say, I don't remember much about Sunday evening. :p

Best Frenemies

My best friend/Maid of Honor is a Steelers fan. (Don't blame her. She grew up in New Jersey.) She's watching the game with us at Choppers today and was spectacularly booed. I mean, a boo that echoes in the soul.
This picture represents the love we have for her anyway. <3

Ray Vs. Troy FOR REAL

Ray Lewis and Troy Polamalu are as well-know for their commercials off the field as they are for their feats of strength and prowess on the field. But WHO reigns SUPREME?! WHO is the King of the Commercials? His Highness of Hawking Stuff? I'll let you all decide...

We'll begin with Ray Lewis' most recent (and, in my opinion, most HILARIOUS) commercial about player safety. In it a mother thanks Tom Brady and a doctor for creating technology to protect football players like her son. While the internet seethed with rage about the "fakeness" of the commercial (scroll to the middle of the page for the section in question), others can at least enjoy the humor of the "twist ending."

Next let's counter with one of the original Troy commercials for Head & Shoulders. The company actually insured Troy's long, luscious, full-bodied locks for $1 million through Lloyd's of London, which also holds policies for Jennifer Lopez's butt. Is Troy's hair worthy enough to invest such a large sum of money?

I'd love to know if that's all his real hair, and they just teased it out for the commercial.

Also, I'm jealous. SO. JEALOUS.

This next Ray Lewis video is but one in a series of hilarious ads for Madden 13 by EA Sports. In it, Ray Lewis casually plays the game with real-life Steelers fan Paul Rudd (a total dreamboat). While there were many to choose from, this was Shawn's favorite.

Shawn's wife, after seeing this commercial and a few videos of Ray Ray on the field: "How is Paul Rudd still alive?!"

I'll end Troy's run with this delightful, recent advertisement featuring Troy's new school The Troy Polamalu School of Deeper Learning. (Perhaps a response to Sizzle's Ball So Hard University?) There are SO MANY great commercials in this series, but I chose this one because it's one that you've more than likely seen on your TV. I highly recommend watching "Advanced Music Appreciation." Troy and guest Brett Keisel use Spanish accents. It's...brilliantly moving.

The best was, of course, saved for last. Perhaps the best-known of Ray Lewis' commercials, this is the one that proverbially "started it all." It's his EPIC ad for Old Spice Swagger body wash. In it, Ray wears nothing but a mass of bubbles, rides a giant raven, and uses the raven's laser eyes to destroy Saturn. How can you beat that?!

P-P-P-P-PUR-PLE POW-WER!