This is SportsCenter...These are Feuding Airports

Only a few more days left, boys...

BONUS HILARITY!
The Twitter account for Denver International Airport has been going at it all week with the Twitter account for Seattle's Sea-Tac Airport. It's been pretty great to follow.

Sick burn example, DIA:

Hey @SeaTacAirport - stop by Elway's on B Concourse for food, drink, and the Lombardi trophy #SB48 #Broncos http://t.co/wSbGQ0gRj9
— Denver Int'l Airport (@DENAirport) January 30, 2014

Sea-Tac puts its rep on the line:

Game on @DENAirport Loser of #SB48 must fly the flag of opposing team in public for 24 hrs #BlueWillLookGreatAtDIA http://t.co/2kvlMcpjl2
— Sea-Tac Airport (@SeaTacAirport) January 27, 2014

Playoff Hopes and Dreams

The time for participation in my work's playoff pool has arrived, but so far only three people (myself obviously included) have signed up. Shawn said that if we don't get more people by tomorrow, he will have to cancel the pool. I asked him to forward this to the other invitees, as he had bcc'd everyone, so I couldn't email them directly.


Dear fellow playoff pool members,

I understand that last year was a difficult one for all of you. I rode the dark horse all the way to the Super Bowl and playoff pool victory and didn’t even have the courtesy of buying you all drinks. (My credit card balance, however, felt that I had made the right choice.) This year, however, my beloved Ravens aren’t in the playoffs, so it seems that you will all have a good shot at winning. Remember, my first year here saw me getting a pathetically low amount of points, as I had no team to believe in. I find myself in a similar position this year. My only dreams remaining are that the Broncos and the Patriots will be sitting at home on Super Bowl Sunday, watching the same commercials I am and wondering when their lives went so terribly, terribly wrong.

So I implore all of you to join in the fun again this year so we can keep the tradition of mocking Shawn’s single-digit final score alive. Without a high number of participants, Shawn will cancel the playoff pool, and I’ll find myself devoid of any interest in football on Sundays for the remainder of the month. Please, give me something to live for; my Ravens certainly didn’t this season.

Sincerely,
Nikki Cimino
Reigning Playoff Pool Champion

Ed Reed Burns Bridges

Ed Reed has been talking smack since he started playing in the NFL. He doesn't give any fucks and makes sure that everyone knows it. He's a notorious media whore and has gotten in "trouble" multiple times for criticizing players and coaches he thinks are doing a poor job while never recognizing that he struggles with the same faults as many of the people he's insulting. This time, he's mouthing off about Texans' defensive coordinator Wade Phillips, specifically that Ed was fired because he told everyone that Phillips sucks.

Click the pic below to read the article about it.

I chose this picture because I really like his "Kanye Shrug".

First Ed Reed was Cut...Then He Went Unclaimed...

First Ed Reed was cut. Then he went unclaimed. It just keeps getting worse from there: http://t.co/vSj1BNfWyZ
— NOTSportsCenter (@NOTSportsCenter) November 13, 2013

Ed Reed is now a Jet

SOURCES: Ed Reed's contract with the #Jets will allow him to take Tuesdays off to play Bingo and Thursdays off to feed the ducks at the pond
— NOTSportsCenter (@NOTSportsCenter) November 14, 2013

Ed Reed forced to sign with Jets after losing bet
— Evil Mike Tomlin (@EvilMikeTomlin) November 14, 2013

So Ed Reed just sign with the NY Jets lol! Good luck to them!
— Madison Porter (@UConnHuskyBlue3) November 14, 2013

Was really hoping Ed Reed would end his career on a high note. Too bad he decided to end up in #NewYork @nyjets
— Wayne Banks (@wbanks32) November 14, 2013

Ed Reed signed with the Jets. What have I done to deserve this!?
— Brian MacGinnis (@Batman_Bey0nd) November 14, 2013

Ed Reed isn't washed up. Texans just didn't play the man right. Jets about to prosper.
— O'Neill (@AvatarOneill) November 14, 2013

Ed reed just wasted his time going to the jets
— Christian (@Jinky2020) November 14, 2013

I'm sure Ed Reed will work out just as well for the Jets as David Garrard, Brett Favre, Ladainian Tomlinson and Santonio Holmes did.
— 210pros (@210pros) November 14, 2013

PLEASE Ed Reed come out and BALL the remainder of the season so you can silence the naysayers...
— Donte' Stallworth (@DonteStallworth) November 14, 2013

Ed Reed shoulda just retired after the Super Bowl with Ray Lewis, he's out there just tarnishing his career at this point
— Ryan Kenny (@RyanKenny23) November 14, 2013

Could the Ed Reed move be exactly what Rex needs to get the monkey off his back vs the #Ravens? A shot of confidence?
— Nick Spano (@NickSpano) November 14, 2013

sweet the jets got ed reed. not like hes an injury prone grandpa or anything
— George P (@gjp_19) November 14, 2013

The Next Step in Videobombing

Ed Reed was totally in the Ed Reed Zone, talking about Ed Reed, when Arian Foster showed up in the background on his Segway and slowly rolled past the oblivious safety. The best part is Foster's straight face and "To hell with this" look as he rolls away. Much like the butt fumble, I could watch this all day. (Source) (Also, can we pause and marvel at how awesome it is that the worst play in Mark Sanchez's career (so far?) has its own legit Wikipedia page?!)

While this is definitely my new favorite "bomb," nothing will ever replace Aaron Rodgers as the King of the Photobomb. The man is a true master of his craft; he even photobombed Brett Favre on a few occasions! Despite his affection for unfortunate mustaches, I can't help but love him.

I almost choked on my granola bar when I saw this one.
God, I hope he made those poor boys deaf...because I'm a bad person.

I Don't Even Know I Can't Even

I want to start off by saying that I OBVIOUSLY should have written this post sooner, like, well before the game instead of well after. But I'd like to blame Shawn (because it's easy) for my slacking, as he was out of the office on Thursday and Friday (I'm sure with a legit reason), so I couldn't really get into a shit-talking mood. Good thing, turns out.

This Ravens - Steelers game was uglier than the population of Pittsburgh. Both sides were awful, but it turns out, the Ravens were more awful. Let's not discuss the on-side kick that was ruined by an offside penalty and by MVP of the Year Justin Tucker touching the damn thing too early then getting SMOKED while he was trying to recover it. (1:22 shows the close-up.) 

Then you have Troy COMPLETELY blowing the timing on a field goal snap. It wasn't his first misread of the game, although it was certainly the most "WTF" to watch. Because he's been spending too much energy trying to read the QB's/snapper's minds, I think he's started living 3 seconds in the future. (That's a thing, right?)

So here's what Shawn wrote as a way of...I don't know...trying to be clever. I spent most of the week in a simmering, art school kid seethe about it. I mean, if you're going to write a parody of a form poem, you need to actually maintain the form (meter, rhyme scheme, etc.). But whatever. The rhyming got better towards the end, and as Shawn said, "YOU try writing something creative in two minutes!" Please see my (unfinished, thanks to a creativity drain at the end of the week) poem at the end of this post. It took me one minute to write.

"Twas the week before the Ravens Steelers game and not a player was stirring, not even a Ryan Clark Twitter posting. The jock straps were tightened with care in hopes that no fumble pile crotch shots would be there. The coaches were nestled all snug in their film rooms with visions of helmet-to-helmet collisions and Troy's flowing hair. When out on the ketchup field arose such a clatter as Brett Keisel's beard shouted, "Whatsa matter?" Joe Flacco sprang from the pocket with a flash to throw another check down to Ray Rice at the hash. Lawrence Timmons screamed, "On Haywood, on Taylor, on Williams and Jones RIP apart these damn Ravens, tear their skin from their bones!"

#Steelers 19 #Ravens 16 FINAL Ah, this is reminiscent of a time not so long ago when the outcome of this game would actually mean something.
— NOTSportsCenter NFL (@NOTSCNFL) October 20, 2013

Nikki's Poem
Twas the night before game day
and all through the streets,
not a person was shit-talking,
not even Ryan Clark's tweets.

Terrible Towels
were strung far and wide
so crying Steelers fans
had somewhere to hide.

The Ravens were sleeping
all snug in their nest,
dreaming of last year
when they were the best.

Perhaps I'll finish writing this poem for the Thanksgiving Night game...WHICH I'LL BE ATTENDING AT HOME IN BALTIMORE BECAUSE MY DADDY GOT ME TICKETS!!!!!!...but we'll see.

A Vocabulary Lesson with Mr. Lewis - Part Two

The vocabulary lesson finishes with three more useful terms for all NFL fans to know. We're going to start with a word that's been around about as long as "Romo" has and is about a quarterback who's just as marinated in failure as Tony Romo is.

I don't need to tell you how ridiculous Mark Sanchez is. Look up any of my blog entries that are tagged "lolJets" or "Mark Sanchez," you'll get a brief intro to the world of awful he lives in. Therefore, I won't even bother going any further in this definition and just leave you with this tweet by one of my favorite satirical Twitter accounts:

#Jets 30 #Falcons 28 FINAL If Mark Sanchez was QB, they wouldn't have needed that field goal to win. They'd be down by 20.
— NOTSportsCenter NFL (@NOTSCNFL) October 8, 2013

Ravens fans will NEVER forgive He Who Shall Not Be Named (Billy Cundiff) for being the sole (don't argue with us on this point) reason that the team didn't win the AFC Championship game in 2011. His wide-left whiff field goal attempt broke hearts across the world.

I literally choked on my own spit when I saw that this video existed.

Any time an opposing kicker lines up for a field goal, we all chant for a "Cundiff," hoping the kicker shames his team mates and his family members by screwing up and costing his team crucial points.

Five games in and Billy Cundiff has only missed two field goals. This has to be a record for him, right? #TNF
— NOTSportsCenter NFL (@NOTSCNFL) October 4, 2013

I INTERRUPT THIS POST TO SHOW YOU THE BEST THING I'VE EVER SEEN ON URBAN DICTIONARY. (Look in the upper right corner.)

That beautiful picture is a great transition into our final definition: Bradying. The term comes from an unofficial rule NFL referees have seemingly made up that protects a quarterback (except for Ben Roethlisberger or Joe Flacco or anyone else who can actually take a hit) from being touched during games. If you hurt the QB, then what's the point of even finishing the game? The incident that truly embodies this rule happened in 2008 when safety Bernard Pollard (then with the Kansas City Chiefs) slammed into Tom Brady and ended the superstar's season. After Brady returned, there was a long period of time when a defensive player couldn't even THINK of MAYBE hitting Tommy Boy or else they'd get called for a personal foul.

Example: "Terrell Suggs was fined $250,000 today for Bradying before the AFC Championship game. Said the hard-hitter, 'I guess I sneezed too close to Tom, and the slight breeze it created messed up his hair. This s**t is getting ridiculous.'"

A Vocabulary Lesson with Mr. Lewis - Part One

*Note: The black blob in the upper left corner is my email address. I blocked it out for obvious reasons.

If you're a fan of professional football, you probably know that many former super stars are now considered the butts of many jokes. Their names have now become synonymous with failure. The players listed here are only a few examples. Please feel free to comment below if you have different definitions than I do.

Eli Manning has been a big bundle of failure this season. The Giants are winless, and Eli has thrown so many interceptions that he's been MVP for every team he's played against. If you want to save yourself characters on Twitter or just time speaking, use "Eli" in place of "interception."
Example: "Ugh! I can't believe that Joe Flacco just thew an Eli! So frustrating!"

Peyton Manning on Eli Manning's 15 INTs this year: "Don't blame me, he was adopted. And dropped on his head. And dropped on his head again."
— NOTSportsCenter (@NOTSportsCenter) October 11, 2013

Tony Romo has great stats when you JUST look at his stats. When you look at how he is as a "leader" for his team, however, you realize that he's a joke. His inability to close games and carry his team to the playoffs has been a thorn in the side of Cowboys fans across the nation. But until Jerry Jones dies/is violently overthrown in a coupe, Tony is the team's quarterback.

Tony Romo threw for 500 yards and 5 TD's, but threw a late game INT that cost his team the game. Doesn't get more Romo than that.
— NOTSportsCenter (@NOTSportsCenter) October 6, 2013

It's my understanding that unlike Tony Romo, Matt Schaub used to be a decent quarterback. I mean, yeah the Texans haven't won a Super Bowl recently, but...you know...when you compare him (or anyone else, really) to Tony Romo, he's pretty elite. This year, that all changed. Matt's been throwing turnovers/pick-sixes like it's going out of style (which it really should), much to the rage of Texans fans. Click on this perfectly "Schaub" picture below to read a satirical take on Matt Schaub's suckiness.
Example: "Tony Romo TOTALLY pulled a Romo when he Schaubed at the end of the game."

Nikki Post: #LOLjets, Pre-season Preview

While Gang Green beat the Giants in OT (BILLY CUNDIFF, of all people, made the game-winning FG), Head Coach Rex "Coach Fatty" Ryan chose to put presumed-starter Mark "Uh Oh Hotdog" Sanchez in as QB in the fourth quarter...behind the barely-third-string offensive line players. In a sack that literally made me yell in sympathy pain, Sanchez got SMASHED between two Giants D-men and left the game with what is speculated to be a very severe shoulder injury. The press corps, sportscasters, and fans of all kinds are wondering just WTF Rex was thinking. When the NY media (a blood-thirsty bunch, to be fair) asked him about it in the post-game presser, Rex basically lost his damn mind. Twitter obviously exploded. I made a Storify blog entry by pulling some of my favorite tweets about the Jets game tonight.

You Get What You Pay For?

The Texans revealed that their new safety Ed Reed (formerly of the Baltimore Ravens) recently "underwent arthroscopic surgery last week to repair a labral tear in his hip," according to the Houston Chronicle and briefly reported by ESPN. In talking with Shawn, these were my immediate reactions:

a) TOTALLY thought the article said he had a "labial" tear, which is VERY different than a "labral" tear.
b) Ed COULD just be faking this to get out of OTAs and work-outs because he HATES doing those.
c) Ed's old for a safety (35), and his body is that of a much older person (90).
d) The Texans are probably regretting their choice right about now... (Speaking of: "This was not in the Texans' plan when they signed Reed.")

Shawn's take on the news:

"All I can do is laugh. Picking up high priced, old free agents is always a bad idea. Always. I hope his labia comes out alright though."

"I Don't Think that Word Means What He Thinks It Means."

My lovely fiance Steve passed along this little gem of an article with the caption I used in this entry's title.

Apparently Mark Sanchez is "thrilled" to have competition for his job. He'll be "fighting" against the other 40,000 quarterbacks the Jets picked up/drafted because OH GOD NOT MARK SANCHEZ AGAIN they seem to be saying.

As always the commenters and trolls on Pro-Football Talk have come out of the woodwork to ban "Hotdog." Here are some of my favorite posts:

Gettin' Slammed by the Author of Dragons

Game of Thrones author George R.R. Martin is a HUGE Jets fan for some unknown reason. As a man with a powerful voice and throngs of adoring fans, he took to the internet to express his disgust with the recent Jets decision to release "Revis Island" for two draft picks.

“It is hard to be a fan of the New York Jets,” Martin wrote. “They have hardly done anything right since Joe Willie Namath won SuperBowl III, and every time you think maybe they are finally turning the corner, they find some new way to screw things up."

OH, SNAP!

Neither of Them is Necessarily Wrong

I'm fairly certain that I've hated on the Orioles, Baltimore's often disappointing baseball team, on this blog before. They're awful, historically speaking, and sometimes to a painfully laughable level. They proved me mostly wrong last year by getting their shit together and making the playoffs, and even though they didn't go that deep into the post-season, this glimmer of hope and promise gave the good fans in Baltimore something to cheer about. The team brought back the "Orioles Magic" that so many people had been waiting for thirty years to visit the city once again. They're having an up-and-down start to the season this year. (Check out their losing streak numbers, then read about how Chris Davis is a friggin' BEAST in a variety of ways.) The fans are remaining loyal though, coming to the game in (relative) droves and still talking about how "this year is OUR year." However, the Orioles management has gotten into hot water for completely dicking up something even MORE important to the Baltimore sports fans:

They refuse to reschedule a game that coincides with what would be opening day for the Ravens. Seriously. The REIGNING SUPER BOWL CHAMPIONS are going to start their year ON THE ROAD in Denver. (Which means that when I get (probably insanely expensive) tickets to this game, I might actually be assaulted.) I'm not sure if this problem has arisen in other cities, so I can't say if it's that big a deal elsewhere, but Camden Yards and M&T Bank Stadium are in the same spot, essentially. They practically share a parking lot. So rescheduling was crucial for TWO reasons: 1) to save people the wrenching task of choosing between their two beloved teams as to which they'll watch; and 2) to save people from the clusterfuck that would be the traffic/parking/bar hopping situation.

The city is split into two camps: those who think that the Orioles are being dicks, and those who think that the Ravens are being bullies to the MLB. While the latter camp's arguments are sound, I'm firmly in the first "This is crap" camp because I obviously like football MUCH better than I do baseball.

I'm not the only one who is disappointed in the Orioles. Jets' head coach, former Ravens defensive coordinator, well-known sandwich-lover, and foot fetishist Rex Ryan had this to say about the controversy:

“I understand the Orioles are playing a game at home. Well, who really cares? You’ve got 81 of them things at home and maybe you could’ve done the right thing and given one up and played 82 on the road and 80 at home. I really don’t think people are going to care about that game. You have a chance to have the defending world champs open the season at home where they rightfully should. I think that’s unfortunate.” (Source)

In a hilarious burn, Orioles' head coach Buck Showalter had this to say:

“I think I’d be a little more concerned about Nov. 24 when the Jets come here and try to figure out a way to beat the Ravens, wouldn’t you?”

Elite as F*ck

There's obviously been a LOT of talk (understatement) about the deal Joe Flacco just signed, cementing him as the Ravens' franchise quarterback. Some think he's worth it, especially after his playoff victories. Others think the Ravens are wasting valuable cap money on an "inconsistent" player. The pro-Flacco camp then counters with how much better Joe got after Cam was fired, and everyone agrees that firing Cam Cameron was a great idea.

As a paranoid Ravens fan, I'm worried that Fate will do something awful to screw all this up. I won't say my specific fears, as that will only bring the Evil Eye, and I don't have time to deal with that. All any of us can do is wait until training camp/pre-season and see.
Also, to hell with Tom Brady. };)

No One Can Resist PUPPIES!!

Troy is a big ol' snugglebunny inside, we all know this. However, I think that if he weren't playing the final, most important game (arguably) of his career, Ray-Ray would be watching the Puppy Bowl too. After all...PUPPIES!! It's adorable chaos: puppies playing, fighting, and occasionally running a toy into the end zone for a touch down. There are piggy cheerleaders, a human referee, and guinea pigs in a blimp to give everyone a "bird's eye view." I think there may also be a bird... Oh! And there's the Kitten Halftime Bowl, which will always hold a special place in my heart because that's when Steve proposed to me in 2010. <3

Here's this year's starting line-up: ZOMG YOU GUYS PUPPIES
If I could adopt Aberdeen, that'd be great, thanks.

And here's a special behind-the-scenes look at last year's Puppy Bowl: SERIOUSLY HOW CAN YOU NOT MELT A LITTLE INSIDE LOOKING AT THESE PUPPIES?!
I have this link bookmarked at work for whenever I need emergency puppies.

BONE-US (hee hee! It's a pun!) PUPPIES!

A viewer asked Jimmy Fallon to predict the Super Bowl using puppies. I think these pups did a fine job.

A HAIR-raising Accusation

Apparently, there have been several Ray Lewis-related "scandals" brewing this week as the media craps itself like little fangirls meeting one of the cast members of Dr. Who. Stupid questions are being tossed around, and sadly, most players are answering them with straight faces. (No, Dennis Pitta, that is NOT a "good question.") (BTW: #5 and #6 are my favorite dumb questions.)

One of the smaller big stories about Ray is that he wore spray-on hair to a press conference. I can't even comment any further on this because it's too ridiculous for words.

The bigger "controversy" is that Ray-Ray used deer antler spray (WTF?! That's a thing?!) as a way to heal his torn tricep quicker. The spray contains a chemical that's on the list of substances banned by the NFL for being performance enhancing, hence the controversy. I doubt that Ray would put his career and legacy in jeopardy by using something as stupid-sounding as "deer antler spray," and Shawn hypothesized that the two stories above are being "leaked by someone in the 49ers organization to distract everyone before the game." He might not be wrong.

There were other questions Ray had to answer and smile through and bullshit his way through, but that's just part of Media Day, as I understand it. I'm sure everyone will be a lot happier when everyone just shuts up and plays football.

Special blog shout-out: Brittany Rants about Football wrote this great post summing up the Ravens' 2012 season using gifs. I love it, so check it out.

Defeating Mr. Bundchen

Me: "How do you spell Gisele's last name?
Steve: "I don't know because I don't care."

After last year's GLORIOUS Super Bowl loss, Tom Brady's wife Gisele gave some hecklers a piece of her mind about Hubby's team mates' skills...or rather, lack thereof. Brady quickly lost ANY cred he may have once possessed, as he now looked like a whiny Pee-Wee footballer whose helicopter mommy swooped in to yell at the coach and the other kids' parents.

Sorry this post is out of order chronologically. (It should have been posted on Monday after the Ravens' win in Denver.) I found it on my phone while posting something else online, and after checking my post list for the blog, realized it'd been omitted.

EDIT: The geniuses at the Ravens sub-Reddit came up with this great drinking game for today!! Follow the rules all the way to the emergency room.

Best Friends and Betting

As always, the Ravens are underdogs in their latest game. They're returning once more to Foxboro for another shot at becoming the AFC champions.

While Troy admits that he supports Mr. Lewis as a friend and competitor, he's making a "smart bet" by putting his money on the Patriots. Here's hoping Troy loses his money on Sunday.

Post-Season Poetry

That Troy...such a wordsmith.

The Ravens take on the Colts at home on Sunday. Everyone's very excited. It's probably going to be Ray Lewis's last time running through that tunnel, doing his "squirrel dance," and getting everyone at M&T Bank Stadium to their feet in a frenzy of blood lust and excitement. Shawn and I are planning a special retirement party for Ray, so keep your eyes on the blog!

HE'S BACK, BABY!!

Oh, James. I like sandwiches too. <3

Baltimore sports blogs, news, and radio shows are blowing up with giddiness that our Fearless Leader and Official Mascot Ray Lewis has returned to the field for practice. Not gonna lie, I'm excited as well. Of course, I'm terrified that he's risking hurting himself more, because (and don't tell him I said this) at his age, it takes longer to heal. There's also considerable (and legitimate) concern that Sizzle is coming back too soon from his injury as well. These guys...I know we need to lock up the division, but dudes...we're playing the Broncos Peyton Manning and the Giants in a couple of weeks! Yes, everyone loves RG3; he's the break-out Rookie of the Year. But...I still can't get excited about the Redskins...which inevitably means this will be a terrible, awful game against them. I'm only doing pre-show and a scene in Act II on Sunday's matinee, so I'll be in the green room listening to the game from my Ravens app. Hopefully I remember not to scream so loudly the audience can hear me. :p

BONUS VIDEOS!!!

I hadn't seen this video yet, but while reading an article on the Ravens' official website, I saw it, and immediately fell in love.

"I'M YO FAM'LY!!"

"You're my family."

The latest Madden 2013 Rivalry between dreamboat actor Paul Rudd and not-very-good-at-playing-Madden Ray Lewis continues into the Christmas season. The men have taken their rivalry VERY SERIOUSLY, and don't even know where they are or what time it is. 

"You just fa la la la la la la la LOST!"