Too Much Free Time

For the first time in five years, the Ravens aren't going to the playoffs. Frankly, we didn't deserve to win. We played like shit all year on all sides of the ball (except the Justin Tucker side, a.k.a. "the sexiest side of the ball"), and the fact that Andy Dalton threw FOUR PICKS and STILL got his team the division championship is [expletive deleted] ludicrous. But that was 2013; today is the second day of a shiny new year. A year when we'll hopefully fire (out of a cannon) Michael Oher, the most penalized player in the NFL. (Scroll about 2/3 down to find the stats; I can't direct link to it.) A year when we find a way to create an offensive line that keeps our (overpaid?) quarterback from ending up flat on his back like a high school kid on prom night. A year...sorry, I zoned out there, thinking about how happy I was a year ago. How full of hope and excitement that maybe - just maybe - this would be our year. *sigh* Those days seem like a lifetime ago.

ANYWAY...

I've found myself with an abundance of time this January during Sunday afternoons and evenings. I plan on visiting some places in Colorado I've never been to, maybe catch up on my reading, walk my dog a little bit more. I don't really have any team that I want to go all the way more than others. I'm basically rooting for everyone who plays the Broncos and the Patriots. One and done, baby. That's all I want. Shawn told me that someone had asked him if he'd finally root for the Broncos this year. His reply: "I'd rather root for ball cancer."

Me: "If I had a dollar for every time someone in the Ravens bar screamed, 'Hurry the fuck up, Joe!' at the TV, I could buy a pile of coke the size of this building."

Shawn: "You know who DOES have a dollar for every time someone's yelled that? Joe Flacco."

*rimshot* Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. Goodnight.

First Ed Reed was Cut...Then He Went Unclaimed...

First Ed Reed was cut. Then he went unclaimed. It just keeps getting worse from there: http://t.co/vSj1BNfWyZ
— NOTSportsCenter (@NOTSportsCenter) November 13, 2013

Ed Reed is now a Jet

SOURCES: Ed Reed's contract with the #Jets will allow him to take Tuesdays off to play Bingo and Thursdays off to feed the ducks at the pond
— NOTSportsCenter (@NOTSportsCenter) November 14, 2013

Ed Reed forced to sign with Jets after losing bet
— Evil Mike Tomlin (@EvilMikeTomlin) November 14, 2013

So Ed Reed just sign with the NY Jets lol! Good luck to them!
— Madison Porter (@UConnHuskyBlue3) November 14, 2013

Was really hoping Ed Reed would end his career on a high note. Too bad he decided to end up in #NewYork @nyjets
— Wayne Banks (@wbanks32) November 14, 2013

Ed Reed signed with the Jets. What have I done to deserve this!?
— Brian MacGinnis (@Batman_Bey0nd) November 14, 2013

Ed Reed isn't washed up. Texans just didn't play the man right. Jets about to prosper.
— O'Neill (@AvatarOneill) November 14, 2013

Ed reed just wasted his time going to the jets
— Christian (@Jinky2020) November 14, 2013

I'm sure Ed Reed will work out just as well for the Jets as David Garrard, Brett Favre, Ladainian Tomlinson and Santonio Holmes did.
— 210pros (@210pros) November 14, 2013

PLEASE Ed Reed come out and BALL the remainder of the season so you can silence the naysayers...
— Donte' Stallworth (@DonteStallworth) November 14, 2013

Ed Reed shoulda just retired after the Super Bowl with Ray Lewis, he's out there just tarnishing his career at this point
— Ryan Kenny (@RyanKenny23) November 14, 2013

Could the Ed Reed move be exactly what Rex needs to get the monkey off his back vs the #Ravens? A shot of confidence?
— Nick Spano (@NickSpano) November 14, 2013

sweet the jets got ed reed. not like hes an injury prone grandpa or anything
— George P (@gjp_19) November 14, 2013

Nikki Post: #LOLjets, Pre-season Preview

While Gang Green beat the Giants in OT (BILLY CUNDIFF, of all people, made the game-winning FG), Head Coach Rex "Coach Fatty" Ryan chose to put presumed-starter Mark "Uh Oh Hotdog" Sanchez in as QB in the fourth quarter...behind the barely-third-string offensive line players. In a sack that literally made me yell in sympathy pain, Sanchez got SMASHED between two Giants D-men and left the game with what is speculated to be a very severe shoulder injury. The press corps, sportscasters, and fans of all kinds are wondering just WTF Rex was thinking. When the NY media (a blood-thirsty bunch, to be fair) asked him about it in the post-game presser, Rex basically lost his damn mind. Twitter obviously exploded. I made a Storify blog entry by pulling some of my favorite tweets about the Jets game tonight.

"I Don't Think that Word Means What He Thinks It Means."

My lovely fiance Steve passed along this little gem of an article with the caption I used in this entry's title.

Apparently Mark Sanchez is "thrilled" to have competition for his job. He'll be "fighting" against the other 40,000 quarterbacks the Jets picked up/drafted because OH GOD NOT MARK SANCHEZ AGAIN they seem to be saying.

As always the commenters and trolls on Pro-Football Talk have come out of the woodwork to ban "Hotdog." Here are some of my favorite posts:

Gettin' Slammed by the Author of Dragons

Game of Thrones author George R.R. Martin is a HUGE Jets fan for some unknown reason. As a man with a powerful voice and throngs of adoring fans, he took to the internet to express his disgust with the recent Jets decision to release "Revis Island" for two draft picks.

“It is hard to be a fan of the New York Jets,” Martin wrote. “They have hardly done anything right since Joe Willie Namath won SuperBowl III, and every time you think maybe they are finally turning the corner, they find some new way to screw things up."

OH, SNAP!

NIKKI vs. Troy?!?!

I can't wait until Shawn comes in tomorrow morning and sees this.

 

Shawn's reaction (the next day): "No. You're not allowed to play football." 

This Year is the Bills' Year...Or is it?!

I have a friend on Twitter (we bonded over our mutual love of tacos) who is a diehard (as much as possible) Bills fan. I sent him an article about how the much-maligned Kevin Kolb has recently joined my favorite underdog team, and these tweets were his reactions:

Shawn, on the other hand, isn't as my friend about Buffalo's chances of making it to the big game:

"Maybe it is the Bills year. Their year for what, I don’t know but it could indeed be their year. Maybe it’s their year to have more staff infections than the Cleveland Browns? Maybe it’s their year to get the #1 overall draft pick. Maybe it’s their year to throw more interceptions than yards? Who knows!"

Only time will tell if the Bills will return to the Big Show for the first time since I was a tiny child with no knowledge whatsoever of football, only the innate knowledge that the Cowboys were a terrible organization of terrible people and should be rooted against at all costs.

EDIT: One more opinion from Shawn: "My only other thought about this being the Bills' year is that the Super Bowl is NEXT year..." Oh, Shawn, so literal.

Imitation is the Sincerest Form of Flattery

For those who may not have watched Jacoby Jones rock the dance floor (according to fans; Len was particularly bitchy), here's a link:

While his "foot work & posture" need improving apparently, his hips don't lie; that man can DANCE! It was the sexiest dance of the night, and I'm saying that as someone with lady parts and NOT as a Ravens fan. I also thought that the pair integrated the Squirrel Dance seamlessly into their routine. The crowd went absolutely bonkers. The show wisely put Jacoby on last; they knew that Ravens Nation in particular and NFL fans in general would only want to watch him dance and then would probably turn the show off. I'd LOVE to see the dancer-by-dancer ratings for Dancing with the Stars; I bet the numbers went through the roof when he came on!

I can't wait to see how far our boy can get during this season of Dancing with the Stars; I hope it's far enough to win him his second trophy of the year!

Elite as F*ck

There's obviously been a LOT of talk (understatement) about the deal Joe Flacco just signed, cementing him as the Ravens' franchise quarterback. Some think he's worth it, especially after his playoff victories. Others think the Ravens are wasting valuable cap money on an "inconsistent" player. The pro-Flacco camp then counters with how much better Joe got after Cam was fired, and everyone agrees that firing Cam Cameron was a great idea.

As a paranoid Ravens fan, I'm worried that Fate will do something awful to screw all this up. I won't say my specific fears, as that will only bring the Evil Eye, and I don't have time to deal with that. All any of us can do is wait until training camp/pre-season and see.
Also, to hell with Tom Brady. };)

Best Friends and Betting

As always, the Ravens are underdogs in their latest game. They're returning once more to Foxboro for another shot at becoming the AFC champions.

While Troy admits that he supports Mr. Lewis as a friend and competitor, he's making a "smart bet" by putting his money on the Patriots. Here's hoping Troy loses his money on Sunday.

Post-Season Poetry

That Troy...such a wordsmith.

The Ravens take on the Colts at home on Sunday. Everyone's very excited. It's probably going to be Ray Lewis's last time running through that tunnel, doing his "squirrel dance," and getting everyone at M&T Bank Stadium to their feet in a frenzy of blood lust and excitement. Shawn and I are planning a special retirement party for Ray, so keep your eyes on the blog!

Best Frenemies

My best friend/Maid of Honor is a Steelers fan. (Don't blame her. She grew up in New Jersey.) She's watching the game with us at Choppers today and was spectacularly booed. I mean, a boo that echoes in the soul.
This picture represents the love we have for her anyway. <3

Ray's Fantasy

Everyone I know, it seems, is involved in some kind of fantasy football league. Friends on Twitter, friends on Facebook, and even people at work. I, however, am disinterested in fantasy football. Takes too much effort. I'd much rather just throw in some money and bet on the play-off games like I did last year at work.

Here's an email exchange that all the participants of said play-off pool got to read as the stakes rose higher and higher. [SPOILER ALERT: Neither Shawn nor I won, although I got waaaaay more points than he did. (He only got 8/40 points.)]

Shawn: [administrator of the pool] "Hello everyone! Just a reminder to send me your picks today before you miss out and wind up tied with me like Tim. I know that since the Broncos have shown their true color it’s probably a little less interesting but we can all root against the Ravens can’t we? Good luck

Me: "Speaking of rooting against the Ravens, Shawn, some miscreant defaced your white board again. A handwriting analysis will clear my good name, but I think it’s just *shameful* that someone would take advantage of the fact that you’re out all day to rub in your face that your team is sitting at home during this exciting play-offs time. Happy Purple Friday everyone! :D"

Linda:
 

"Hmmm. Suspicious"

Shawn: "One would think that here at the Colorado School of [redacted] we would be better at recognizing mental disorders. Especially such obvious ones as those that start with being a Ravens fan."

Rob: [participant in the play-off pool] "They have discovered a new disorder here in Psychiatry just this week called 8outof40pointsitis.  Caused by over confidence and delusion."
Later, after a crushing Ravens loss....
Shawn:

"That damn vandal is back and causing trouble..."