Interlude: Marshall and the Case of the Bad Touch

This board tells the story of an embarrassing misunderstanding Marshall had while skiing one weekend.

Marshall and his friend Lori had been skiing most of the day when Lori decided to call it quits. Marshall wanted to get another run in, so they agreed to meet in the lodge at a pizza place after he was done. (See Marshall skiing in the bottom right corner. The snowman is there to establish that he's skiing on snow and not a random wave-like hill.)

Upon entering the lodge, Marshall went looking for Lori. She was wearing a distinctive red hat that Marshall could use to find her if they got separated on the slopes. He saw her - in her red hat with her blonde hair poking through - watching the football game on TV in a different part of the lodge. Thinking that there just hadn't been seating in their original location, Marshall walked up to Lori and wordlessly started giving her a back massage. After a minute or so, she asked who he was....it turns out, it wasn't Lori at all! It was some random woman who happened to have Lori's same hat. She joked that he was lucky her husband wasn't around, and with many sincere apologies, Marshall left to find Lori in the pizza shop area, wondering where he'd been (upper right corner).

The story quickly spread through the office, everyone making sure Marshall told this person and that person, and eventually an artistic interpretation of the incident made its way to Tracy's white board.

Lament of the IT Professional

Shawn receives computer parts all day long. If he doesn't visit me at the front desk to pick them up, I make sure that Ray and Troy let him know that the packages are safe in their care.

The Next Step in Videobombing

Ed Reed was totally in the Ed Reed Zone, talking about Ed Reed, when Arian Foster showed up in the background on his Segway and slowly rolled past the oblivious safety. The best part is Foster's straight face and "To hell with this" look as he rolls away. Much like the butt fumble, I could watch this all day. (Source) (Also, can we pause and marvel at how awesome it is that the worst play in Mark Sanchez's career (so far?) has its own legit Wikipedia page?!)

While this is definitely my new favorite "bomb," nothing will ever replace Aaron Rodgers as the King of the Photobomb. The man is a true master of his craft; he even photobombed Brett Favre on a few occasions! Despite his affection for unfortunate mustaches, I can't help but love him.

I almost choked on my granola bar when I saw this one.
God, I hope he made those poor boys deaf...because I'm a bad person.

Pathetic Rivalries

Ray vs. Sylvester

Sylvester the Cat: "Sssufferin' sssucatash, Ray. When you ssspeak to sssomeone you need to ssswallow your ssspit first."

Ray Rice, not a cat: "Ssseriously Sssylvestor, I know that! The media'sss just got to make up these ssspitting ssstories to ssstir up trouble!"

I know that the Browns have been doing bizarrely well this season at being a legitimate professional football team, so perhaps it's time to take them seriously. However, I refuse to do so. I just...I can't live in a world where the Browns are contenders for at least second place in the AFC North.

Historically speaking, the Browns have tried to start legit rivalries with the other teams in the AFC North, even though we've all viewed them as the significantly-younger brother who annoys you because he wants to be just like you, but you can't be mean to them because it's just not worth it, and anyway, your mom will get mad at you.

"Let go, Brandon. You're not allowed to come to the Championship with me. I told you that."

They're "rivals" with Cincy because they're both in Ohio. Shawn: "[The Bengals] are a Carson Palmer knee away from being relevant."

They're "rivals" with the Steelers because, according to Shawn, the Browns used to be really good when they were *actually* the Browns. (See below.) But once the Browns moved to Baltimore and stopped being relevant, the Browns "had nothing to live for, so they held onto the rivalry as tightly as they could." (Again, Shawn.)

The only real rivalry they can claim in the AFC North is with Baltimore. Long story short, the Browns' former owner Art Modell decided that if Cleveland didn't want to pay for the team (which used to be good) to have a decent stadium, he was going to take them elsewhere. 

That "elsewhere" was Baltimore.

Some of the fans didn't take it as well as others did.

I'm not going to link to the story because if you're a fan of professional football, you should know about this, as it was a pretty big deal. (Like how the Baltimore Colts snuck out of Baltimore in the middle of the night in a damn Mayflower moving van. If you don't know that story either, go make Google your new bff.)

After our teams' week two game, the media lost its collective mind and ran everywhere with a story that Ray Rice purposely spit on Browns' nose tackle Phil Taylor during an altercation. The frenzy eventually died down, but now that the two teams are meeting up again this Sunday, the "scandal" has once again been brought to the forefront. Ray said that he had his mouthpiece in while was jawing at Taylor, so any spit that may have landed on Taylor was an unintentional consequence. Let's maybe step this up a bit, folks. We can do better than "your guy spit on our guy!!"

INTERRUPTION: There Are No Football Players Named "Nikki"

Marshall and his brother recently participated in a local charity run to raise funds for the Mountain Gorilla Conservation Fund. The Denver Gorilla Run had its 10th anniversary recently, and they wanted to make the occasion special. Their goal for this year's run was to beat the Guinness World Record for Most People Dressed as Gorillas in One Location (1,061). DGR was successful: they had 1,161 people participate!

While Marshall and his brother were walking around, they saw someone dressed in a Brandon Marshall jersey. While they were chatting with the guy to see if he'd get a picture with Marshall (name matching!), they saw someone wearing a Hines Ward jersey. As Marshall's last name is Ward, his brother got SUPER excited to have both of them take a picture with Marshall. Luckily, these strangers were game, and so the internet now has this marvelous picture of Marshall Ward with Marshall & Ward.

INTERRUPTION: Marshall is the Weirdest

This is Marshall. He works in our finance department. Tracy sent these pictures to me via email with the subject heading "KSPH 301 Disc Jockey." I mentioned that it was funny because he was wearing Ravens purple AND Steelers yellow (well, a lighter version). Being a hardcore Broncos fan, Marshall disliked my comments.

I guess this is him arguing with someone on the "radio" line about fantasy football?

UPDATE: Tracy told me that Marshall was wearing purple for Spirit Day, which aims to raise awareness about and eradicate bullying, specifically of LGBT youth. I'm an active ally of the LGBT movement, but it's been a bad week for me, so the day completely slipped under my radar. Ironically, I wasn't wearing purple yesterday, so I wasn't even "accidentally" participating. Today being Purple Friday, however, I am rockin' a purple tee and a purple tank under it. So I "missed it" by one day.

Good on Marshall for wanting to show support for a very important cause though.

A Vocabulary Lesson with Mr. Lewis - Part Two

The vocabulary lesson finishes with three more useful terms for all NFL fans to know. We're going to start with a word that's been around about as long as "Romo" has and is about a quarterback who's just as marinated in failure as Tony Romo is.

I don't need to tell you how ridiculous Mark Sanchez is. Look up any of my blog entries that are tagged "lolJets" or "Mark Sanchez," you'll get a brief intro to the world of awful he lives in. Therefore, I won't even bother going any further in this definition and just leave you with this tweet by one of my favorite satirical Twitter accounts:

#Jets 30 #Falcons 28 FINAL If Mark Sanchez was QB, they wouldn't have needed that field goal to win. They'd be down by 20.
— NOTSportsCenter NFL (@NOTSCNFL) October 8, 2013

Ravens fans will NEVER forgive He Who Shall Not Be Named (Billy Cundiff) for being the sole (don't argue with us on this point) reason that the team didn't win the AFC Championship game in 2011. His wide-left whiff field goal attempt broke hearts across the world.

I literally choked on my own spit when I saw that this video existed.

Any time an opposing kicker lines up for a field goal, we all chant for a "Cundiff," hoping the kicker shames his team mates and his family members by screwing up and costing his team crucial points.

Five games in and Billy Cundiff has only missed two field goals. This has to be a record for him, right? #TNF
— NOTSportsCenter NFL (@NOTSCNFL) October 4, 2013

I INTERRUPT THIS POST TO SHOW YOU THE BEST THING I'VE EVER SEEN ON URBAN DICTIONARY. (Look in the upper right corner.)

That beautiful picture is a great transition into our final definition: Bradying. The term comes from an unofficial rule NFL referees have seemingly made up that protects a quarterback (except for Ben Roethlisberger or Joe Flacco or anyone else who can actually take a hit) from being touched during games. If you hurt the QB, then what's the point of even finishing the game? The incident that truly embodies this rule happened in 2008 when safety Bernard Pollard (then with the Kansas City Chiefs) slammed into Tom Brady and ended the superstar's season. After Brady returned, there was a long period of time when a defensive player couldn't even THINK of MAYBE hitting Tommy Boy or else they'd get called for a personal foul.

Example: "Terrell Suggs was fined $250,000 today for Bradying before the AFC Championship game. Said the hard-hitter, 'I guess I sneezed too close to Tom, and the slight breeze it created messed up his hair. This s**t is getting ridiculous.'"

A Vocabulary Lesson with Mr. Lewis - Part One

*Note: The black blob in the upper left corner is my email address. I blocked it out for obvious reasons.

If you're a fan of professional football, you probably know that many former super stars are now considered the butts of many jokes. Their names have now become synonymous with failure. The players listed here are only a few examples. Please feel free to comment below if you have different definitions than I do.

Eli Manning has been a big bundle of failure this season. The Giants are winless, and Eli has thrown so many interceptions that he's been MVP for every team he's played against. If you want to save yourself characters on Twitter or just time speaking, use "Eli" in place of "interception."
Example: "Ugh! I can't believe that Joe Flacco just thew an Eli! So frustrating!"

Peyton Manning on Eli Manning's 15 INTs this year: "Don't blame me, he was adopted. And dropped on his head. And dropped on his head again."
— NOTSportsCenter (@NOTSportsCenter) October 11, 2013

Tony Romo has great stats when you JUST look at his stats. When you look at how he is as a "leader" for his team, however, you realize that he's a joke. His inability to close games and carry his team to the playoffs has been a thorn in the side of Cowboys fans across the nation. But until Jerry Jones dies/is violently overthrown in a coupe, Tony is the team's quarterback.

Tony Romo threw for 500 yards and 5 TD's, but threw a late game INT that cost his team the game. Doesn't get more Romo than that.
— NOTSportsCenter (@NOTSportsCenter) October 6, 2013

It's my understanding that unlike Tony Romo, Matt Schaub used to be a decent quarterback. I mean, yeah the Texans haven't won a Super Bowl recently, but...you know...when you compare him (or anyone else, really) to Tony Romo, he's pretty elite. This year, that all changed. Matt's been throwing turnovers/pick-sixes like it's going out of style (which it really should), much to the rage of Texans fans. Click on this perfectly "Schaub" picture below to read a satirical take on Matt Schaub's suckiness.
Example: "Tony Romo TOTALLY pulled a Romo when he Schaubed at the end of the game."

Sweet Pea Ain't So Sweet

Big Ben: "What's that, Ray?"**
Ray Lewis: "Wow, Ben, in my day Sweet Pea wouda got what she deserved! Tips!"
Big Ben: "C'mon, Ray! That's not even right."
Ray Lewis: "What? I mean from the Ravens' upcoming opponents!"
Big Ben: "Badump Bump!"

**I have no idea what order Shawn meant for this dialogue to go, so I just kinda winged it.

By now, I'm sure you've all heard the story of Ravens player (and Dancing with the Stars sensation) Jacoby Jones getting hit in the head with a champagne bottle by a stripper named Sweet Pea on a party bus while celebrating teammate Bryant McKinney's birthday. (This first link is my FAVORITE about the news, mainly because the headline is SO misleading about the content to come.) Jacoby has "apologized" about the incident without really apologizing. Torrey Smith pointed out that this is a non-story (while building a house for Habitat for Humanity! Why isn't THAT being talked about?!), and the media should just move on. And Ray Lewis, never one to shy from offering an opinion that brings the story back around to him, blames a lack of leadership after his retire and Ed Reed's move to the Texans for Jacoby's Wild Night.

For those interested, this is what Baltimore's strippers look like:

(source)

Keep it classy, Bmore & Ravens.

James Smash Ben!

 

Big Ben: "AW MAAAAN! I gotta play HARRISON ON MONDAY? I'm gonna die!"

James Harrison, defying gravity: "BenGAl KITeY has cLAwS! bENgal sMaSH!"

Troy: "You see, Ben, when chance meets opportunity, opportunity should run for the sideline."

Ray, handsome as always: "YO! HOW DO MY TEETH LOOK ON TV?"

RvT has an all-new look! In that Ray's no longer in uniform, and I have multiple pictures I plan on using for Troy. This is his "One does not simply walk into Mordor" expression for when he gives advice.

Shawn's take on our characters' reactions to Ben's lament isn't quite what I had in mind, but it's probably much better. My idea was just to have everyone tell Ben he was going to die. :p

The Bengals beat the Steelers, although since I was watching Dollhouse on Netflix, I don't know what the final score was. I could Google it, but it's late, and I want to go to bed. I'll have another entry tomorrow morning anyway, so I'll save some other material for then. For now, I'll drift off to sleep and dream of laughing at Shawn because his team is 0-2 and huddled with the Browns at the bottom of the AFC North.

Nikki Post: LOL

I was cleaning up my "Ray vs. Troy" folder on my computer when I found this picture. I don't think I posted it back when we were doing the play-off/Super Bowl pool, which is a pity because it's AWESOME. I won the office pool by a ludicrous margin because I was the ONLY person who picked the Ravens through everything! I even managed to get some of the spreads correct! Oh, sweet succulent victory. I shit-talked to everyone in our group, ESPECIALLY the IT Director, who was in second place but had won the year before.

Here we see Shawn giving me my winnings. I WAS going to have a picture of me "making it rain," but ultimately I wanted to get a picture of Shawn being sad giving me all that sweet, sweet, sweet cash. What did I do with the money? I'll be damned if I remember. Probably bought several rounds of drinks for friends or took mi novio out to dinner.

Jesus...what other Super Bowl photos did I not publish? Well...here are a few. What the hell.

Doing a (disgusting-tasting) purple vodka shot with my bartender Amy

KIND of a big deal at the game

Troy is such a sweet man! Always supportive

Nikki Post: #LOLjets, Pre-season Preview

While Gang Green beat the Giants in OT (BILLY CUNDIFF, of all people, made the game-winning FG), Head Coach Rex "Coach Fatty" Ryan chose to put presumed-starter Mark "Uh Oh Hotdog" Sanchez in as QB in the fourth quarter...behind the barely-third-string offensive line players. In a sack that literally made me yell in sympathy pain, Sanchez got SMASHED between two Giants D-men and left the game with what is speculated to be a very severe shoulder injury. The press corps, sportscasters, and fans of all kinds are wondering just WTF Rex was thinking. When the NY media (a blood-thirsty bunch, to be fair) asked him about it in the post-game presser, Rex basically lost his damn mind. Twitter obviously exploded. I made a Storify blog entry by pulling some of my favorite tweets about the Jets game tonight.

"Different Kind of Butt Fumble"

My fiancee Steve enjoys cruising the internet in his spare time. Besides looking at pictures of cats on Imgur, he likes to troll on ProFootballTalk. He shared this video with me, I guess because he couldn't live his life any longer unless someone else knew the pain he felt from having seen what cannot be unseen. (Warning: Slightly NSFW.)

Source: http://profootballtalk.nbcsports.com/2013/06/26/bizarre-sanchez-video-appears-online/

I Don't Think That's What Troy Meant, Mr. Lewis...

Transcript:

Troy: "Mr. Lewis and Mrs. uhm..RaNikki? What do you think the Ravens are going to do in the first round?"
Ray: "DRAFT?! I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S ON TAP! LOL!"
RaNikki: "I think we're going to draft a sassy Italian girl from Baltimore!"

It appears that Ray has no more fucks to give about anything football related. It also appears that I'm going to be a lineback for the Ravens (if they're smart!).

NOTE: I'm not yet a "Mrs." I'm getting married in August. <3

NIKKI vs. Troy?!?!

I can't wait until Shawn comes in tomorrow morning and sees this.

 

Shawn's reaction (the next day): "No. You're not allowed to play football." 

The GREATEST PHOTOSHOP OF ALL TIME

My boss Lyndsey has been teaching herself Photoshop and trying to boost her skills by practicing on her coworkers. I posted to Facebook a picture of me that she'd edited and asked friends what they thought of it so she could get some constructive criticism. Overall, the reviews were positive, although we agreed that my face had too many shadows removed, leaving it looking a little fake. My friend Shannon, with whom I worked at Loyola, suggested that I ask Lyndsey to Photoshop my head onto Ray Lewis' body. I passed the suggestion along to Lyndsey, and in two minutes, this is the masterpiece that she created:

This picture made me laugh so loudly and so hard at work that I cried at my desk. It's the greatest thing I've ever seen, and it's now my Facebook profile picture.

I'm Such A Forgetful Frannie

I've had these two links in my "drafts" folder for AGES but kept forgetting to post them here. I know it's incredibly late, but here's how my Ravens group got famous during the Super Bowl.

First we were on 9 News: http://www.9news.com/video/2140542795001/1/Watching-Super-Bowl-at-Denver-bar

Then we made it into Westword, Denver's alternative weekly: http://www.westword.com/slideshow/super-bowl-2013-ravens-fans-vs-49ers-fans-38739647/#37

If you look closely in those pictures, you can see me...in WAY too many pictures. Oy. 

No One Can Resist PUPPIES!!

Troy is a big ol' snugglebunny inside, we all know this. However, I think that if he weren't playing the final, most important game (arguably) of his career, Ray-Ray would be watching the Puppy Bowl too. After all...PUPPIES!! It's adorable chaos: puppies playing, fighting, and occasionally running a toy into the end zone for a touch down. There are piggy cheerleaders, a human referee, and guinea pigs in a blimp to give everyone a "bird's eye view." I think there may also be a bird... Oh! And there's the Kitten Halftime Bowl, which will always hold a special place in my heart because that's when Steve proposed to me in 2010. <3

Here's this year's starting line-up: ZOMG YOU GUYS PUPPIES
If I could adopt Aberdeen, that'd be great, thanks.

And here's a special behind-the-scenes look at last year's Puppy Bowl: SERIOUSLY HOW CAN YOU NOT MELT A LITTLE INSIDE LOOKING AT THESE PUPPIES?!
I have this link bookmarked at work for whenever I need emergency puppies.

BONE-US (hee hee! It's a pun!) PUPPIES!

A viewer asked Jimmy Fallon to predict the Super Bowl using puppies. I think these pups did a fine job.

A HAIR-raising Accusation

Apparently, there have been several Ray Lewis-related "scandals" brewing this week as the media craps itself like little fangirls meeting one of the cast members of Dr. Who. Stupid questions are being tossed around, and sadly, most players are answering them with straight faces. (No, Dennis Pitta, that is NOT a "good question.") (BTW: #5 and #6 are my favorite dumb questions.)

One of the smaller big stories about Ray is that he wore spray-on hair to a press conference. I can't even comment any further on this because it's too ridiculous for words.

The bigger "controversy" is that Ray-Ray used deer antler spray (WTF?! That's a thing?!) as a way to heal his torn tricep quicker. The spray contains a chemical that's on the list of substances banned by the NFL for being performance enhancing, hence the controversy. I doubt that Ray would put his career and legacy in jeopardy by using something as stupid-sounding as "deer antler spray," and Shawn hypothesized that the two stories above are being "leaked by someone in the 49ers organization to distract everyone before the game." He might not be wrong.

There were other questions Ray had to answer and smile through and bullshit his way through, but that's just part of Media Day, as I understand it. I'm sure everyone will be a lot happier when everyone just shuts up and plays football.

Special blog shout-out: Brittany Rants about Football wrote this great post summing up the Ravens' 2012 season using gifs. I love it, so check it out.

Everyone Wants to be Ray-Ray

The ending of this video from Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update" made me tear up with laughter at work. I always used to joke that when Ray-Ray was ready to retire from playing football, he'd sack a quarterback so hard that he'd turn into dust and float away in the breeze to end the game in a victory. This is pretty good too.



Thanks to my friend Kelsey for sharing this lovely little gem with me:


From this article in The Baltimore Sun