Ray Rice in Trouble

Transcript:
Big Ben: "It's the Rays! So guys, quick question. How long before it's illegal to be named "Ray" and play in Baltimore?"
Ray Lewis: "AAH! DON'T MAKE ME UNRETIRE!"
Ray Rice: "..."

By now, anyone who's a Ravens fan, a football fan, or someone who "enjoys" celebrity "gossip" knows about the incident of Ray Rice getting drunk in Atlantic City, allegedly getting into a physical altercation with his fiance, and knocking her unconscious. TMZ released a video showing Ray dragging his unconscious fiance out of an elevator. Attorneys for both parties claim that the video is edited (which, knowing TMZ and the people who give them their "news", could very well be true), and "only shows part of the story." While there's uncertainty about what sort of punishment Ray could receive from law enforcement, the Ravens, and the league, so far top Ravens personnel are saying that Ray won't be released.

(I'd like to mention that the "yards per carry" joke wasn't written by either Shawn or me. A work friend of Shawn's contributed that. He's not the only one making that joke.)

While Shawn and I are using this incident for blog fodder and are commenting on it with tongues firmly implanted in our cheeks, I'd like to go on record and say that I am INCREDIBLY disappointed in Ray Rice. While fans obviously don't know everything about the characters of their favorite players, Ray had always seemed to be a stand-up guy in the past. He has a close relationship with his mother, and he, his fiance, and their daughter have always been seen as a happy family.

I got into a discussion with my friend China and several of her friends on Facebook about whether or not Ray was "justified" in hitting his fiance after she allegedly spit on him first. They were of the belief that spitting on someone is the most degrading thing you can do to a person. China additionally took the stance of "equal rights, equal fights": women want equality with men in every other aspect of their lives except when it comes to having men fight back when women start physical altercations. If the fiance started something, she should have been prepared to finish it. I pointed out that a small woman like her hitting a big guy like Ray wouldn't (and obviously didn't) do as much damage as Ray hitting her back and that it was an unfair fight. We reached a stalemate, agreeing that the incident wasn't something we wanted one of our favorite athletes to be known for, but that we wouldn't see eye to eye about whether or not Ray was justified in his actions.

It will be interesting to see how the league handles this off-field, especially considering their previous lack of involvement in punishing players for misconduct in the past. For now, I know that Ray and the Ravens are hoping the Combine will take some of the spotlight off of them.

Well, That was Unexpected

For obvious reasons, we had to write this, take the picture, and immediately erase it before someone in the school noticed that we had a character on Shawn's office's door cursing out someone else's mother. We had another idea for a "Troy's Anger Translator" post, but ultimately deemed it too "not okay" for publication. Let's just say that Shawn and I got a lot of laughs out of it.

These types of post will probably be showing up every now and then as "filler" during the off-season, which is approaching entirely too soon. We'd also like to get Ray an Anger Translator, as the idea of it also made Shawn and me giggle maniacally.

Talk Softly & Carry A Big Head of Hair

Translation:

Troy: "As you can imagine, I am very upset that the Steelers are once again not in the Super Bowl. I don't wish to offend anyone by expressing my opinion on the matter, so I'll let my Anger Translator, On-Field Troy, do my speaking for me."

On-Field Troy: "Super Bowl? SUPER BOWL! This ain't no Super Bowl without the Steelers! Yo mamma makes a better Super Bowl after eating a gas station burrito than this!"

Yes. That word in the picture IS "better" and not "butter." The idea of a Super Bowl made of butter is hilarious and intriguing, but not what Shawn was going for.

Rumor has it that sketch comics Key & Peele got their idea for Obama's Anger Translator Luther from Troy Polamalu. I'm sure Troy was nice enough to let them use the idea without crediting him.

I've never heard Polamalu raise his voice. All over my tv. RT @LesIzMore Being a quiet defensive NFL player doesn’t get you commercials
— D'Brickashaw (@DragonflyJonez) January 22, 2014

@DragonflyJonez @LesIzMore he can't raise his voice though. He talks like Michael Jackson.
— jessica danielle (@NFLGoodwitch) January 22, 2014

@DragonflyJonez Polamalu was #6 in top marketing NFL players in 2012 http://t.co/RWRgvyxZJn
— Gold Solid Gold (@GoffSolid) January 22, 2014

@DragonflyJonez Head & Shoulders commercials= his hair is loud
— Ronnie Dumagpi (@RonEDumagpi) January 22, 2014

While Troy is a lovely human being off the field, doing charity work, mentoring younger players, and donating organs to those in need, Troy ON field is a dangerous beast without any sense of morals, integrity, or respect for human life. See the videos below for a few examples of how the big-haired veteran we know and love can turn into a monster for 60 minutes every Sunday.

Much like a football-playing Superman, Troy can jump offensive lines in a single bound.

Sometimes Troy's Anger Translator gets a little...TOO intense...

Head & Shoulders isn't the only product that Troy feels passionate about!

No One Cares About the Pro Bowl

Ray Lewis is in the top ten of NFL players who have been to the most Pro Bowls in their careers. With 13 appearances as of 2012 (he obviously didn't play the year the Ravens went to - AND WON - the Super Bowl), he's tied for second with greats such as Jerry Rice and Reggie White. Players old and young were excited to have him on their team; he mentored them, joked with them, and soaked up the Hawaiian sun with his teammates and colleagues.

It's one thing not to play in a Pro Bowl because you're preparing for Super Bowl Sunday, but how will Ray feel about not playing in one because he's retired? Antsy? Relieved?

Deion Sanders, one of the "captains" of the two Pro Bowl teams (along with Jerry Rice), tweeted that he was going to "suit up" for the game, despite the fact that the NFL repeatedly and vehemently denied that this was true. (Apparently, the bigwigs don't have a sense of humor.) Frankly, I think this would be hilarious. "Prime Time" was a flamboyant and talented player, and having him play would actually make the Pro Bowl worth watching. Let's face it: people only have the game on to get a football fix before the REAL bowl, and even then, they only have it on as background noise.

Too Much Free Time

For the first time in five years, the Ravens aren't going to the playoffs. Frankly, we didn't deserve to win. We played like shit all year on all sides of the ball (except the Justin Tucker side, a.k.a. "the sexiest side of the ball"), and the fact that Andy Dalton threw FOUR PICKS and STILL got his team the division championship is [expletive deleted] ludicrous. But that was 2013; today is the second day of a shiny new year. A year when we'll hopefully fire (out of a cannon) Michael Oher, the most penalized player in the NFL. (Scroll about 2/3 down to find the stats; I can't direct link to it.) A year when we find a way to create an offensive line that keeps our (overpaid?) quarterback from ending up flat on his back like a high school kid on prom night. A year...sorry, I zoned out there, thinking about how happy I was a year ago. How full of hope and excitement that maybe - just maybe - this would be our year. *sigh* Those days seem like a lifetime ago.

ANYWAY...

I've found myself with an abundance of time this January during Sunday afternoons and evenings. I plan on visiting some places in Colorado I've never been to, maybe catch up on my reading, walk my dog a little bit more. I don't really have any team that I want to go all the way more than others. I'm basically rooting for everyone who plays the Broncos and the Patriots. One and done, baby. That's all I want. Shawn told me that someone had asked him if he'd finally root for the Broncos this year. His reply: "I'd rather root for ball cancer."

Me: "If I had a dollar for every time someone in the Ravens bar screamed, 'Hurry the fuck up, Joe!' at the TV, I could buy a pile of coke the size of this building."

Shawn: "You know who DOES have a dollar for every time someone's yelled that? Joe Flacco."

*rimshot* Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. Goodnight.

Playoff Hopes and Dreams

The time for participation in my work's playoff pool has arrived, but so far only three people (myself obviously included) have signed up. Shawn said that if we don't get more people by tomorrow, he will have to cancel the pool. I asked him to forward this to the other invitees, as he had bcc'd everyone, so I couldn't email them directly.


Dear fellow playoff pool members,

I understand that last year was a difficult one for all of you. I rode the dark horse all the way to the Super Bowl and playoff pool victory and didn’t even have the courtesy of buying you all drinks. (My credit card balance, however, felt that I had made the right choice.) This year, however, my beloved Ravens aren’t in the playoffs, so it seems that you will all have a good shot at winning. Remember, my first year here saw me getting a pathetically low amount of points, as I had no team to believe in. I find myself in a similar position this year. My only dreams remaining are that the Broncos and the Patriots will be sitting at home on Super Bowl Sunday, watching the same commercials I am and wondering when their lives went so terribly, terribly wrong.

So I implore all of you to join in the fun again this year so we can keep the tradition of mocking Shawn’s single-digit final score alive. Without a high number of participants, Shawn will cancel the playoff pool, and I’ll find myself devoid of any interest in football on Sundays for the remainder of the month. Please, give me something to live for; my Ravens certainly didn’t this season.

Sincerely,
Nikki Cimino
Reigning Playoff Pool Champion

Ravens vs lolJets

Troy: "Mr. Lewis, It's a big week for our division! 3 teams have a shot at a wild card and 1 week from now, likely only 1 team will be left in that race. Which team do you think it will be?"
Ray: "TROY, LOYALTY MAKES ME WANNA SAY THE RAVENS, BUT WE BOTH KNOW THAT MIGHT NOT HAPPEN. THE SMART MONEY SAYS MY SON RAY III AND I WILL WIN IN A HUGE UPSET!"

I'm trying to take this season one game at a time, which is the only way I can prevent myself from becoming an alcoholic one day a week. (There's a reason I barely drink in the off-season. Friends like to tell other people who don't know me that I'm regenerating my liver between the Super Bowl and the pre-season.) I had a good reason to believe that the Ravens would beat the Jets, mainly because...well...they're the Jets. But the "any given Sunday" rule has been applying more and more this season, so I'll admit that I went into the bar with some trepidation.

Our offense was playing pretty well (relatively speaking), so I found myself actually staying sober, which was a nice change of pace. Ed Reed, however, seemed like he had some kind of vendetta against his old team members, which isn't surprising. He's Ed Reed; he always has a chip on his shoulder.

Jets S Ed Reed levels Ravens WR Jacoby Jones (GIF) http://t.co/9s9DcjZwX1
— ZombieProphet (@ZProphet_MMA) November 24, 2013

You could practically feel Jacoby's pain when Ed laid him out in the end zone.

WATCH Jacoby Jones' 66-yard touchdown catch over Ed Reed! | http://t.co/OwthjkP8u1 pic.twitter.com/rRMB3S8FMf
— Baltimore Ravens (@Ravens) November 24, 2013

But Jacoby got back at Ed by SMOKING him for a 66-yard touchdown later in the game!

Watch @TheRealJacoby12's first TD dance of the season, a nod to @DancingABC! VIDEO | http://t.co/Ivc9oXkiWO
— Baltimore Ravens (@Ravens) November 25, 2013

Then he did a dance inspired by his time on Dancing with the Stars. (His shit-eating grin after the first replay is my favorite part of the whole video.)

After the game, Ed Reed spoke to the press about how he thought the game went:

“Ed Reed: ‘It was a great football game and we had some fun.’ OK, Ed. If you say so.”

—@BrianCoz, Jets beat man Brian Costello of the New York Post, relaying one of the Bizarre Quotes of the Season from a football player. The Jets were embarrassed in Baltimore, their quarterback performed like a person stepping on a football field for the first time, they played haplessly for the second straight week, and they fell into the mire of AFC playoff mediocrity after holding a wild-card spot for the last three weeks.

(Via Monday Morning Quarterback)

I leave you now with an incredible fact about dreamy Ravens kicker and future 2013 team MVP Justin Tucker (seen in that video being badass as hell):

Justin Tucker, kicker, Baltimore. On a frigid day (20 degrees wind chill) kicking in a 26-mph crosswind, Tucker, the most efficient kicker in NFL history (minimum 50 made field goals) converted on field goals from 30, 26, 33 and 53 yards in the 19-3 rout of the woeful Jets. For his career, the University of Texas kicker is 54 of 59, a conversion rate of 91.5%.
(Via Monday Morning Quarterback)

Pathetic Rivalries

Ray vs. Sylvester

Sylvester the Cat: "Sssufferin' sssucatash, Ray. When you ssspeak to sssomeone you need to ssswallow your ssspit first."

Ray Rice, not a cat: "Ssseriously Sssylvestor, I know that! The media'sss just got to make up these ssspitting ssstories to ssstir up trouble!"

I know that the Browns have been doing bizarrely well this season at being a legitimate professional football team, so perhaps it's time to take them seriously. However, I refuse to do so. I just...I can't live in a world where the Browns are contenders for at least second place in the AFC North.

Historically speaking, the Browns have tried to start legit rivalries with the other teams in the AFC North, even though we've all viewed them as the significantly-younger brother who annoys you because he wants to be just like you, but you can't be mean to them because it's just not worth it, and anyway, your mom will get mad at you.

"Let go, Brandon. You're not allowed to come to the Championship with me. I told you that."

They're "rivals" with Cincy because they're both in Ohio. Shawn: "[The Bengals] are a Carson Palmer knee away from being relevant."

They're "rivals" with the Steelers because, according to Shawn, the Browns used to be really good when they were *actually* the Browns. (See below.) But once the Browns moved to Baltimore and stopped being relevant, the Browns "had nothing to live for, so they held onto the rivalry as tightly as they could." (Again, Shawn.)

The only real rivalry they can claim in the AFC North is with Baltimore. Long story short, the Browns' former owner Art Modell decided that if Cleveland didn't want to pay for the team (which used to be good) to have a decent stadium, he was going to take them elsewhere. 

That "elsewhere" was Baltimore.

Some of the fans didn't take it as well as others did.

I'm not going to link to the story because if you're a fan of professional football, you should know about this, as it was a pretty big deal. (Like how the Baltimore Colts snuck out of Baltimore in the middle of the night in a damn Mayflower moving van. If you don't know that story either, go make Google your new bff.)

After our teams' week two game, the media lost its collective mind and ran everywhere with a story that Ray Rice purposely spit on Browns' nose tackle Phil Taylor during an altercation. The frenzy eventually died down, but now that the two teams are meeting up again this Sunday, the "scandal" has once again been brought to the forefront. Ray said that he had his mouthpiece in while was jawing at Taylor, so any spit that may have landed on Taylor was an unintentional consequence. Let's maybe step this up a bit, folks. We can do better than "your guy spit on our guy!!"

How Very Unlike You, Troy

Crudely-Drawn Steelers Coach Mike Tomlin: "Polamalu! What the hell was that ridiculously early jump last night? [Sunday's late game] It's unlike you! Do you need a concussion test?!"
Crudely-Drawn Troy Polamalu: "Coach, please remember that this is a game. We are lucky to be part of it and should enjoy doing it. I enjoy jumping over the o-line. What do you enjoy?"
C-DSCMT: "Not getting penalties."
C-DTP: "Oh...


Non-supportive Husband Steve: "Why don't you have pictures of them instead of drawings?"
Me: "Because I didn't have the time to Google image search appropriate pictures of the two of them, print them out, cut them to an appropriate size, and then put them on the white board."
Supportive Husband Steve: "The drawings look nice."

I Don't Even Know I Can't Even

I want to start off by saying that I OBVIOUSLY should have written this post sooner, like, well before the game instead of well after. But I'd like to blame Shawn (because it's easy) for my slacking, as he was out of the office on Thursday and Friday (I'm sure with a legit reason), so I couldn't really get into a shit-talking mood. Good thing, turns out.

This Ravens - Steelers game was uglier than the population of Pittsburgh. Both sides were awful, but it turns out, the Ravens were more awful. Let's not discuss the on-side kick that was ruined by an offside penalty and by MVP of the Year Justin Tucker touching the damn thing too early then getting SMOKED while he was trying to recover it. (1:22 shows the close-up.) 

Then you have Troy COMPLETELY blowing the timing on a field goal snap. It wasn't his first misread of the game, although it was certainly the most "WTF" to watch. Because he's been spending too much energy trying to read the QB's/snapper's minds, I think he's started living 3 seconds in the future. (That's a thing, right?)

So here's what Shawn wrote as a way of...I don't know...trying to be clever. I spent most of the week in a simmering, art school kid seethe about it. I mean, if you're going to write a parody of a form poem, you need to actually maintain the form (meter, rhyme scheme, etc.). But whatever. The rhyming got better towards the end, and as Shawn said, "YOU try writing something creative in two minutes!" Please see my (unfinished, thanks to a creativity drain at the end of the week) poem at the end of this post. It took me one minute to write.

"Twas the week before the Ravens Steelers game and not a player was stirring, not even a Ryan Clark Twitter posting. The jock straps were tightened with care in hopes that no fumble pile crotch shots would be there. The coaches were nestled all snug in their film rooms with visions of helmet-to-helmet collisions and Troy's flowing hair. When out on the ketchup field arose such a clatter as Brett Keisel's beard shouted, "Whatsa matter?" Joe Flacco sprang from the pocket with a flash to throw another check down to Ray Rice at the hash. Lawrence Timmons screamed, "On Haywood, on Taylor, on Williams and Jones RIP apart these damn Ravens, tear their skin from their bones!"

#Steelers 19 #Ravens 16 FINAL Ah, this is reminiscent of a time not so long ago when the outcome of this game would actually mean something.
— NOTSportsCenter NFL (@NOTSCNFL) October 20, 2013

Nikki's Poem
Twas the night before game day
and all through the streets,
not a person was shit-talking,
not even Ryan Clark's tweets.

Terrible Towels
were strung far and wide
so crying Steelers fans
had somewhere to hide.

The Ravens were sleeping
all snug in their nest,
dreaming of last year
when they were the best.

Perhaps I'll finish writing this poem for the Thanksgiving Night game...WHICH I'LL BE ATTENDING AT HOME IN BALTIMORE BECAUSE MY DADDY GOT ME TICKETS!!!!!!...but we'll see.

The Apocalypse is Coming

Brainstorm: Top 10 Signs the Apocalypse is Coming - NFL Version

1. The Chiefs are undefeated.
2. The Steelers are 0-4 for the first time in 45 years.
3. The Browns have won 2 games in a row, are at the "top" of the AFC North. (2nd behind Ravens)
4. Tom Brady is struggling to beat teams by 20 points.
5. Rex Ryan is relatively "thin."
6. Roddy White is stinking it up.
7. Eagles fans cheered for Donovan McNabb and Andy Reid.
8. Despite his best efforts, Shawn still hasn't won a fantasy football game.
9. Meanwhile, Marshall is winning the league.
10. Nikki would rather be outside than watch football.

*Tim Tebow is no longer in the NFL this year...COINCIDENCE?

Sweet Pea Ain't So Sweet

Big Ben: "What's that, Ray?"**
Ray Lewis: "Wow, Ben, in my day Sweet Pea wouda got what she deserved! Tips!"
Big Ben: "C'mon, Ray! That's not even right."
Ray Lewis: "What? I mean from the Ravens' upcoming opponents!"
Big Ben: "Badump Bump!"

**I have no idea what order Shawn meant for this dialogue to go, so I just kinda winged it.

By now, I'm sure you've all heard the story of Ravens player (and Dancing with the Stars sensation) Jacoby Jones getting hit in the head with a champagne bottle by a stripper named Sweet Pea on a party bus while celebrating teammate Bryant McKinney's birthday. (This first link is my FAVORITE about the news, mainly because the headline is SO misleading about the content to come.) Jacoby has "apologized" about the incident without really apologizing. Torrey Smith pointed out that this is a non-story (while building a house for Habitat for Humanity! Why isn't THAT being talked about?!), and the media should just move on. And Ray Lewis, never one to shy from offering an opinion that brings the story back around to him, blames a lack of leadership after his retire and Ed Reed's move to the Texans for Jacoby's Wild Night.

For those interested, this is what Baltimore's strippers look like:

(source)

Keep it classy, Bmore & Ravens.

James Harrison: Man of Many Emotions

We all know that James Harrison isn't right in the head. (Note: this is a mostly satirical piece. Although that pic at the top is AWESOME.) His teammates and colleagues around the league all know it. You know it; I know it. The internet especially knows it. Here are two memes I've found about him that I love.

Tee shirt that I NEED to own based on an actual photo of Harrison

Relevant to yesterday's entry

But then Shawn sent me a beautiful video that shows the softer side of James and reveals that he's actually a human being that can feel emotions and make real connections with other humans.

His quiet, "I miss him" pretty much broke my little bleeding heart.

James Smash Ben!

 

Big Ben: "AW MAAAAN! I gotta play HARRISON ON MONDAY? I'm gonna die!"

James Harrison, defying gravity: "BenGAl KITeY has cLAwS! bENgal sMaSH!"

Troy: "You see, Ben, when chance meets opportunity, opportunity should run for the sideline."

Ray, handsome as always: "YO! HOW DO MY TEETH LOOK ON TV?"

RvT has an all-new look! In that Ray's no longer in uniform, and I have multiple pictures I plan on using for Troy. This is his "One does not simply walk into Mordor" expression for when he gives advice.

Shawn's take on our characters' reactions to Ben's lament isn't quite what I had in mind, but it's probably much better. My idea was just to have everyone tell Ben he was going to die. :p

The Bengals beat the Steelers, although since I was watching Dollhouse on Netflix, I don't know what the final score was. I could Google it, but it's late, and I want to go to bed. I'll have another entry tomorrow morning anyway, so I'll save some other material for then. For now, I'll drift off to sleep and dream of laughing at Shawn because his team is 0-2 and huddled with the Browns at the bottom of the AFC North.

Nikki Post: LOL

I was cleaning up my "Ray vs. Troy" folder on my computer when I found this picture. I don't think I posted it back when we were doing the play-off/Super Bowl pool, which is a pity because it's AWESOME. I won the office pool by a ludicrous margin because I was the ONLY person who picked the Ravens through everything! I even managed to get some of the spreads correct! Oh, sweet succulent victory. I shit-talked to everyone in our group, ESPECIALLY the IT Director, who was in second place but had won the year before.

Here we see Shawn giving me my winnings. I WAS going to have a picture of me "making it rain," but ultimately I wanted to get a picture of Shawn being sad giving me all that sweet, sweet, sweet cash. What did I do with the money? I'll be damned if I remember. Probably bought several rounds of drinks for friends or took mi novio out to dinner.

Jesus...what other Super Bowl photos did I not publish? Well...here are a few. What the hell.

Doing a (disgusting-tasting) purple vodka shot with my bartender Amy

KIND of a big deal at the game

Troy is such a sweet man! Always supportive

AFC North: A Clusterf*ck of a Division

The first week of NFL football was a complete wreck, at least for fans of the teams of the AFC North. The Ravens were CLOBBERED by the Broncos. I was at that game, and all I could do was laugh. Nothing was going right for us, and Peyton and his receivers were throwing the ball over our defense like they were eighth graders, and our guys were fifth graders. Mile High was a dangerous and hostile place to be if you weren't a Broncos fan.

I was able to take solace in one beautiful fact though: while the Ravens lost to a future hall-of-famer, the Steelers lost to the TENNESSEE TITANS at their home stadium in Pittsburgh! They also lost four of their starters to injuries. It was basically a banner day for a loser who's less of a loser than other losers.

Murder was the Case That They Gave Him: Patriots Edition

Transcript:

Troy: "So Mr. Lewis, any (cough...) advice for Mr. Hernandez?"
Ray:  "TROY! THAT'S A VERY RUDE QUESTION! MY PAST IS IN THE PAST! He should work with the DA, though. Probably turn himself in. Oh, and stop watching Scarface!"

You've probably heard by now that Patriots tight end Aaron Hernandez was arrested. While charges haven't been officially announced yet (they're waiting to arraign him), the case is MAD sketchy. A semi-pro football player was found in an industrial park a half-mile from Hernandez's house, shot execution style (which freaks me out the most). Apparently, Hernandez and the dead man, Odin Lloyd, were friends who had been seen hanging out before the killing. More sketch news: "ABC News has reported that Hernandez destroyed his cellphone and video surveillance system and had his home professionally cleaned the day Lloyd's body was found. And Massachusetts State Police have twice searched Hernandez's home, along with nearby woods and a pond." (from the article linked above; emphasis mine) Dude, that's some CSI stuff right there. Also, obstruction of justice.

This isn't the first time someone's accused Aaron Hernandez of committing an act of violence. A man in Florida accused him of shooting him in the face; the injury resulted in the loss of the man's eye. The man wouldn't cooperate with the cops though (WITNESS INTIMIDATION?!?!), so the case was "deemed inactive."

Now, everyone know that the US guarantees that you're "innocent until proven guilty", but let's get real here: the evidence against the tight end is pretty damning. He could at least be convicted of obstructing justice; that much is obvious. Now, I'm obviously a TOTALLY biased party, but I'd just like to say that the incident with Ray Lewis was much more confusing than this. No one knows who stabbed the victim, and Ray-Ray cooperated with police and plead guilty to move the case along. He paid the fees, did his time, and spent the rest of his life/NFL career staying on the straight and narrow and giving back to the community (including attempting to climb Mt. Kilimanjaro from July 2nd - July 9th (my birthday!)). I know I speak on behalf of all Ravens fans when I say, "Shut your mouths, haters." I'm looking forward to bringing up how the Pats players are criminals (oh! and don't forget Spygate) for years to come.

ProFootballTalk.com is obviously blowing up the article about the arrest. I'll end this entry with my favorite comment:

rodge1 says: Jun 26, 2013 10:31 AM: Somewhere Ballard and Tebow are high-fiving each other.

You Get What You Pay For?

The Texans revealed that their new safety Ed Reed (formerly of the Baltimore Ravens) recently "underwent arthroscopic surgery last week to repair a labral tear in his hip," according to the Houston Chronicle and briefly reported by ESPN. In talking with Shawn, these were my immediate reactions:

a) TOTALLY thought the article said he had a "labial" tear, which is VERY different than a "labral" tear.
b) Ed COULD just be faking this to get out of OTAs and work-outs because he HATES doing those.
c) Ed's old for a safety (35), and his body is that of a much older person (90).
d) The Texans are probably regretting their choice right about now... (Speaking of: "This was not in the Texans' plan when they signed Reed.")

Shawn's take on the news:

"All I can do is laugh. Picking up high priced, old free agents is always a bad idea. Always. I hope his labia comes out alright though."

Good Thing He Didn't Get Any Guaranteed Money!

The Ravens recently-signed linebacker Rolando McClain, formerly of the Oakland Raiders, was arrested ELEVEN DAYS after joining a team that was willing to give him a (risky, IMO) second fourth chance. Reports out of Decatur, Alabama said that Rolando was at a park with 700 other people, there was some kind of fight, the cops tried to break it up, our boy got all N.W.A. on the situation and started screaming, "F*CK THE PO-LICE!" then resisted arrest, because that's OBVIOUSLY a good idea. According to the above (second) link, the 23-year-old was already out on bond because of some shenanigans earlier. I'm seriously beginning to wonder if this guy has ANY common sense...

Obviously I discussed the situation with Shawn, who laughed as much as one would expect a Steelers fan to laugh. (Probably because for once, it wasn't one of HIS players committing a crime.) While this isn't a verbatim quote (he refused to type one up for me, claiming he was "busy doing his job), this was the basic gist of why he thinks the Ravens drafted such a high-risk player in the first place:

"Rolando McClain seemed to be a reasonable option for the Ravens before the draft to fill the holes in their defense that they created when many of their players left or were cut. It's not that McClain is a bad player; he's just a personnel risk from a legal standpoint. Ravens' management wanted to go into the draft [which starts this Thursday] with the ability to draft players that they want, that will be the best option and NOT the players that they need to fill empty spaces on their roster."

JP Starkey of SBNation agrees with Shawn: it was a risk to hire McClain, and he's now put the Ravens in an awkward position only two days before the draft. The team is still deciding what to do, and it's hard to think that they'll make a decision in the next couple of days. Then again, I don't know anything about the draft, so we'll just wait and see.

I Don't Think That's What Troy Meant, Mr. Lewis...

Transcript:

Troy: "Mr. Lewis and Mrs. uhm..RaNikki? What do you think the Ravens are going to do in the first round?"
Ray: "DRAFT?! I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S ON TAP! LOL!"
RaNikki: "I think we're going to draft a sassy Italian girl from Baltimore!"

It appears that Ray has no more fucks to give about anything football related. It also appears that I'm going to be a lineback for the Ravens (if they're smart!).

NOTE: I'm not yet a "Mrs." I'm getting married in August. <3