Talk Softly & Carry A Big Head of Hair

Translation:

Troy: "As you can imagine, I am very upset that the Steelers are once again not in the Super Bowl. I don't wish to offend anyone by expressing my opinion on the matter, so I'll let my Anger Translator, On-Field Troy, do my speaking for me."

On-Field Troy: "Super Bowl? SUPER BOWL! This ain't no Super Bowl without the Steelers! Yo mamma makes a better Super Bowl after eating a gas station burrito than this!"

Yes. That word in the picture IS "better" and not "butter." The idea of a Super Bowl made of butter is hilarious and intriguing, but not what Shawn was going for.

Rumor has it that sketch comics Key & Peele got their idea for Obama's Anger Translator Luther from Troy Polamalu. I'm sure Troy was nice enough to let them use the idea without crediting him.

I've never heard Polamalu raise his voice. All over my tv. RT @LesIzMore Being a quiet defensive NFL player doesn’t get you commercials
— D'Brickashaw (@DragonflyJonez) January 22, 2014

@DragonflyJonez @LesIzMore he can't raise his voice though. He talks like Michael Jackson.
— jessica danielle (@NFLGoodwitch) January 22, 2014

@DragonflyJonez Polamalu was #6 in top marketing NFL players in 2012 http://t.co/RWRgvyxZJn
— Gold Solid Gold (@GoffSolid) January 22, 2014

@DragonflyJonez Head & Shoulders commercials= his hair is loud
— Ronnie Dumagpi (@RonEDumagpi) January 22, 2014

While Troy is a lovely human being off the field, doing charity work, mentoring younger players, and donating organs to those in need, Troy ON field is a dangerous beast without any sense of morals, integrity, or respect for human life. See the videos below for a few examples of how the big-haired veteran we know and love can turn into a monster for 60 minutes every Sunday.

Much like a football-playing Superman, Troy can jump offensive lines in a single bound.

Sometimes Troy's Anger Translator gets a little...TOO intense...

Head & Shoulders isn't the only product that Troy feels passionate about!

How Very Unlike You, Troy

Crudely-Drawn Steelers Coach Mike Tomlin: "Polamalu! What the hell was that ridiculously early jump last night? [Sunday's late game] It's unlike you! Do you need a concussion test?!"
Crudely-Drawn Troy Polamalu: "Coach, please remember that this is a game. We are lucky to be part of it and should enjoy doing it. I enjoy jumping over the o-line. What do you enjoy?"
C-DSCMT: "Not getting penalties."
C-DTP: "Oh...


Non-supportive Husband Steve: "Why don't you have pictures of them instead of drawings?"
Me: "Because I didn't have the time to Google image search appropriate pictures of the two of them, print them out, cut them to an appropriate size, and then put them on the white board."
Supportive Husband Steve: "The drawings look nice."

Ray Vs. Troy FOR REAL

Ray Lewis and Troy Polamalu are as well-know for their commercials off the field as they are for their feats of strength and prowess on the field. But WHO reigns SUPREME?! WHO is the King of the Commercials? His Highness of Hawking Stuff? I'll let you all decide...

We'll begin with Ray Lewis' most recent (and, in my opinion, most HILARIOUS) commercial about player safety. In it a mother thanks Tom Brady and a doctor for creating technology to protect football players like her son. While the internet seethed with rage about the "fakeness" of the commercial (scroll to the middle of the page for the section in question), others can at least enjoy the humor of the "twist ending."

Next let's counter with one of the original Troy commercials for Head & Shoulders. The company actually insured Troy's long, luscious, full-bodied locks for $1 million through Lloyd's of London, which also holds policies for Jennifer Lopez's butt. Is Troy's hair worthy enough to invest such a large sum of money?

I'd love to know if that's all his real hair, and they just teased it out for the commercial.

Also, I'm jealous. SO. JEALOUS.

This next Ray Lewis video is but one in a series of hilarious ads for Madden 13 by EA Sports. In it, Ray Lewis casually plays the game with real-life Steelers fan Paul Rudd (a total dreamboat). While there were many to choose from, this was Shawn's favorite.

Shawn's wife, after seeing this commercial and a few videos of Ray Ray on the field: "How is Paul Rudd still alive?!"

I'll end Troy's run with this delightful, recent advertisement featuring Troy's new school The Troy Polamalu School of Deeper Learning. (Perhaps a response to Sizzle's Ball So Hard University?) There are SO MANY great commercials in this series, but I chose this one because it's one that you've more than likely seen on your TV. I highly recommend watching "Advanced Music Appreciation." Troy and guest Brett Keisel use Spanish accents. It's...brilliantly moving.

The best was, of course, saved for last. Perhaps the best-known of Ray Lewis' commercials, this is the one that proverbially "started it all." It's his EPIC ad for Old Spice Swagger body wash. In it, Ray wears nothing but a mass of bubbles, rides a giant raven, and uses the raven's laser eyes to destroy Saturn. How can you beat that?!

P-P-P-P-PUR-PLE POW-WER!

Madden Mania

Poor Troy. All he wanted to do was play a friendly game of Madden against Ray Lewis and his boys. After all, if Ray can play against movie star heart throb Paul Rudd, then surely he'd play with his good buddy Troy! Unfortunately, Ray is too into himself and his "starring" role in the game to have time to actually PLAY it with anyone other than a paid celebrity. Pity. I bet the Lewises and the Palomalus would have a great time.

Troy's Greatest Fear

I wonder if Mr. Lewis will use this information against Troy during the upcoming season?

Terrible Towels & Corporate Sponsorship

Ravens fans (and probably other fans in the NFL) hate those damn "Terrible" towels.