The Internet Never Forgets

There are always three games on Thanksgiving Day: one with the Lions, one with the Cowboys, and then a night game that actually matters and entertains the nation. For two years in a row, the Baltimore Ravens have had the honor of being in the Game That Matters. In 2012, the nation got to watch a preview of Super Bowl 47 (to hell with Roman numerals) as big brother John Harbaugh's Ravens stomped baby brother Jim's 49ers two months before The Big Game. In 2013, the Ravens embarrassed the Steelers (not really, as there were a LOT of fundamentals that the Ravens needed to work on NOT screwing up, but let me have this one) in Baltimore to a crowd that righteously chanted "TOMLIN SUCKS" when Steelers head coach Mike Tomlin interfered with Jacoby Jones' amazing kick-off return run that SHOULD/WOULD have ended in a touchdown.

Even though he was fined by the league and put the Steelers' draft picks in jeopardy, Mike Tomlin wasn't done being reviled for his "blunder," as he repeatedly put it.

The Ravens were playing the Vikings in a snowy, rainy, slushy, cold, miserable Baltimore. The day was made MORE miserable by the fact that the Ravens were playing like snowmen with sticks for arms instead of actual human arms. But what to our wondering eyes should appear, but JACOBY JONES RUNNING IN ANOTHER KICK-OFF RETURN FOR A TOUCHDOWN!!

(Source)

It was one of those games that makes football fans keep a defibrillator handy: in the final minutes of the game, the Vikings and Ravens traded FOUR TOUCHDOWNS IN 82 SECONDS. I was listening on my Ravens app, having chosen to stay home from the bar, and I can't decide if it was better or worse that I didn't have to see everything happen in front of me. I got to see the last touchdown of the day and frightened my dog by screaming with joy in the empty apartment.

If you thought Twitter wouldn't explode in snarky tweets about Jones finally getting to make the play he SHOULD have been able to make on Thanksgiving, then you don't know the internet very well at all. Here's a sampling:

No coach to block Jacoby Jones this time...
— Adam Schefter (@AdamSchefter) December 8, 2013

Professional burnnnn

Jacoby Jones couldn't do that if I was there
— Evil Mike Tomlin (@EvilMikeTomlin) December 8, 2013

Popular parody account burnnnn

Glad Leslie Frazier didn't pull a Tomlin.
— Joe Flacco's Ego (@FlaccosEgo) December 8, 2013

Fake Flacco burnnnn

Jacoby Jones has returned 6 kickoffs for 256 yards & 1TD over the past two games, producing a 42.7-yard average. #Ravens
— Patrick Gleason (@PMGleason) December 8, 2013

How you like dem facts dair, hawn?

@Artj97 your reaction to @TheRealJacoby12 kick return is priceless. http://t.co/QnXBjIDrF5
— Cody (@Ledshaman) December 8, 2013

Arthur Jones' reaction speaks volumes for us all

Jacoby Jones on the crazy final two minutes of the game: "You couldn't even really get emotional. It was too confusing." #Ravens #Vikings
— Luke Jones (@BaltimoreLuke) December 8, 2013

The man of the hour speaks

Time to UnRAYtire

Ray: "ARRRRGHHH! THIS SEASON IS AWFUL! I'M GONNA UNRETIRE AND TAKE THE TEAM TO THE SUPER BOWL AGAIN!"
Troy: "How so, Mr. Lewis? Do you think you can play on the offensive line this time around?"

Whenever a team is doing poorly, talking heads and fans scramble to find someone to blame. I asked my husband Steve and one of my best friends Zack for their opinions about what's going wrong with the Ravens.

Steve: [Offensive Coordinator Jim Caldwell] keeps calling plays like the offensive line is competent. They were better last game. They finally called some draw plays that I had been screaming for all season, and they worked. They ran the ball to the outside. Joe rolled out to his right sometimes instead of trying to stay in the pocket. Even though the field was a mess and Chicago’s defense is pretty good, it worked. They should have been doing that all season and hopefully they will continue to do it.

Zack: [Offensive Line Coach Andy Moeller] decided to install a new blocking scheme after the old one won us a Super Bowl.  I know there were personnel changes too, but the talent is still there, so I think the o-line coaching is to blame for a lot of our offensive struggles. Well, that combined with [Cam] Cameron-esque play calling, which I can only imagine is the result of Harbaugh telling Caldwell that he wants to run this type of offense.

Apparently, I'm not the only one who thinks Ray Lewis wishes he could go back to the game...

 Not as good as the Madden ads w/him and Paul Rudd though

Pathetic Rivalries

Ray vs. Sylvester

Sylvester the Cat: "Sssufferin' sssucatash, Ray. When you ssspeak to sssomeone you need to ssswallow your ssspit first."

Ray Rice, not a cat: "Ssseriously Sssylvestor, I know that! The media'sss just got to make up these ssspitting ssstories to ssstir up trouble!"

I know that the Browns have been doing bizarrely well this season at being a legitimate professional football team, so perhaps it's time to take them seriously. However, I refuse to do so. I just...I can't live in a world where the Browns are contenders for at least second place in the AFC North.

Historically speaking, the Browns have tried to start legit rivalries with the other teams in the AFC North, even though we've all viewed them as the significantly-younger brother who annoys you because he wants to be just like you, but you can't be mean to them because it's just not worth it, and anyway, your mom will get mad at you.

"Let go, Brandon. You're not allowed to come to the Championship with me. I told you that."

They're "rivals" with Cincy because they're both in Ohio. Shawn: "[The Bengals] are a Carson Palmer knee away from being relevant."

They're "rivals" with the Steelers because, according to Shawn, the Browns used to be really good when they were *actually* the Browns. (See below.) But once the Browns moved to Baltimore and stopped being relevant, the Browns "had nothing to live for, so they held onto the rivalry as tightly as they could." (Again, Shawn.)

The only real rivalry they can claim in the AFC North is with Baltimore. Long story short, the Browns' former owner Art Modell decided that if Cleveland didn't want to pay for the team (which used to be good) to have a decent stadium, he was going to take them elsewhere. 

That "elsewhere" was Baltimore.

Some of the fans didn't take it as well as others did.

I'm not going to link to the story because if you're a fan of professional football, you should know about this, as it was a pretty big deal. (Like how the Baltimore Colts snuck out of Baltimore in the middle of the night in a damn Mayflower moving van. If you don't know that story either, go make Google your new bff.)

After our teams' week two game, the media lost its collective mind and ran everywhere with a story that Ray Rice purposely spit on Browns' nose tackle Phil Taylor during an altercation. The frenzy eventually died down, but now that the two teams are meeting up again this Sunday, the "scandal" has once again been brought to the forefront. Ray said that he had his mouthpiece in while was jawing at Taylor, so any spit that may have landed on Taylor was an unintentional consequence. Let's maybe step this up a bit, folks. We can do better than "your guy spit on our guy!!"

How Very Unlike You, Troy

Crudely-Drawn Steelers Coach Mike Tomlin: "Polamalu! What the hell was that ridiculously early jump last night? [Sunday's late game] It's unlike you! Do you need a concussion test?!"
Crudely-Drawn Troy Polamalu: "Coach, please remember that this is a game. We are lucky to be part of it and should enjoy doing it. I enjoy jumping over the o-line. What do you enjoy?"
C-DSCMT: "Not getting penalties."
C-DTP: "Oh...


Non-supportive Husband Steve: "Why don't you have pictures of them instead of drawings?"
Me: "Because I didn't have the time to Google image search appropriate pictures of the two of them, print them out, cut them to an appropriate size, and then put them on the white board."
Supportive Husband Steve: "The drawings look nice."

I Don't Even Know I Can't Even

I want to start off by saying that I OBVIOUSLY should have written this post sooner, like, well before the game instead of well after. But I'd like to blame Shawn (because it's easy) for my slacking, as he was out of the office on Thursday and Friday (I'm sure with a legit reason), so I couldn't really get into a shit-talking mood. Good thing, turns out.

This Ravens - Steelers game was uglier than the population of Pittsburgh. Both sides were awful, but it turns out, the Ravens were more awful. Let's not discuss the on-side kick that was ruined by an offside penalty and by MVP of the Year Justin Tucker touching the damn thing too early then getting SMOKED while he was trying to recover it. (1:22 shows the close-up.) 

Then you have Troy COMPLETELY blowing the timing on a field goal snap. It wasn't his first misread of the game, although it was certainly the most "WTF" to watch. Because he's been spending too much energy trying to read the QB's/snapper's minds, I think he's started living 3 seconds in the future. (That's a thing, right?)

So here's what Shawn wrote as a way of...I don't know...trying to be clever. I spent most of the week in a simmering, art school kid seethe about it. I mean, if you're going to write a parody of a form poem, you need to actually maintain the form (meter, rhyme scheme, etc.). But whatever. The rhyming got better towards the end, and as Shawn said, "YOU try writing something creative in two minutes!" Please see my (unfinished, thanks to a creativity drain at the end of the week) poem at the end of this post. It took me one minute to write.

"Twas the week before the Ravens Steelers game and not a player was stirring, not even a Ryan Clark Twitter posting. The jock straps were tightened with care in hopes that no fumble pile crotch shots would be there. The coaches were nestled all snug in their film rooms with visions of helmet-to-helmet collisions and Troy's flowing hair. When out on the ketchup field arose such a clatter as Brett Keisel's beard shouted, "Whatsa matter?" Joe Flacco sprang from the pocket with a flash to throw another check down to Ray Rice at the hash. Lawrence Timmons screamed, "On Haywood, on Taylor, on Williams and Jones RIP apart these damn Ravens, tear their skin from their bones!"

#Steelers 19 #Ravens 16 FINAL Ah, this is reminiscent of a time not so long ago when the outcome of this game would actually mean something.
— NOTSportsCenter NFL (@NOTSCNFL) October 20, 2013

Nikki's Poem
Twas the night before game day
and all through the streets,
not a person was shit-talking,
not even Ryan Clark's tweets.

Terrible Towels
were strung far and wide
so crying Steelers fans
had somewhere to hide.

The Ravens were sleeping
all snug in their nest,
dreaming of last year
when they were the best.

Perhaps I'll finish writing this poem for the Thanksgiving Night game...WHICH I'LL BE ATTENDING AT HOME IN BALTIMORE BECAUSE MY DADDY GOT ME TICKETS!!!!!!...but we'll see.

My God. It's Happened.

The Browns are no longer awful. I'm going to have to change my blog tags.

The Apocalypse is Coming

Brainstorm: Top 10 Signs the Apocalypse is Coming - NFL Version

1. The Chiefs are undefeated.
2. The Steelers are 0-4 for the first time in 45 years.
3. The Browns have won 2 games in a row, are at the "top" of the AFC North. (2nd behind Ravens)
4. Tom Brady is struggling to beat teams by 20 points.
5. Rex Ryan is relatively "thin."
6. Roddy White is stinking it up.
7. Eagles fans cheered for Donovan McNabb and Andy Reid.
8. Despite his best efforts, Shawn still hasn't won a fantasy football game.
9. Meanwhile, Marshall is winning the league.
10. Nikki would rather be outside than watch football.

*Tim Tebow is no longer in the NFL this year...COINCIDENCE?

James Harrison: Man of Many Emotions

We all know that James Harrison isn't right in the head. (Note: this is a mostly satirical piece. Although that pic at the top is AWESOME.) His teammates and colleagues around the league all know it. You know it; I know it. The internet especially knows it. Here are two memes I've found about him that I love.

Tee shirt that I NEED to own based on an actual photo of Harrison

Relevant to yesterday's entry

But then Shawn sent me a beautiful video that shows the softer side of James and reveals that he's actually a human being that can feel emotions and make real connections with other humans.

His quiet, "I miss him" pretty much broke my little bleeding heart.

James Smash Ben!

 

Big Ben: "AW MAAAAN! I gotta play HARRISON ON MONDAY? I'm gonna die!"

James Harrison, defying gravity: "BenGAl KITeY has cLAwS! bENgal sMaSH!"

Troy: "You see, Ben, when chance meets opportunity, opportunity should run for the sideline."

Ray, handsome as always: "YO! HOW DO MY TEETH LOOK ON TV?"

RvT has an all-new look! In that Ray's no longer in uniform, and I have multiple pictures I plan on using for Troy. This is his "One does not simply walk into Mordor" expression for when he gives advice.

Shawn's take on our characters' reactions to Ben's lament isn't quite what I had in mind, but it's probably much better. My idea was just to have everyone tell Ben he was going to die. :p

The Bengals beat the Steelers, although since I was watching Dollhouse on Netflix, I don't know what the final score was. I could Google it, but it's late, and I want to go to bed. I'll have another entry tomorrow morning anyway, so I'll save some other material for then. For now, I'll drift off to sleep and dream of laughing at Shawn because his team is 0-2 and huddled with the Browns at the bottom of the AFC North.

Nikki Post: GOOD NEEEWWWWWS, Everyone!

Oh, what's that? Someone's got tickets to see the RUMBLE OF THE SEASON ON THANKSGIVING DAY??!?!? While other suckers will be eating turkey and watching the Cowboys and Lions lose on Thanksgiving, husband (yay! I'm married now!) Steve and I are going to the game! My daddy has been working for MONTHS to get these tickets. When he finally did, I made the mistake of asking him how he got them. Daddy reminded me that I shouldn't ask questions about such things. It's the number one rule for Italian men: don't ask questions if you're not willing to perjure yourself about the answers.

This is the best wedding present EVER.

AFC North: A Clusterf*ck of a Division

The first week of NFL football was a complete wreck, at least for fans of the teams of the AFC North. The Ravens were CLOBBERED by the Broncos. I was at that game, and all I could do was laugh. Nothing was going right for us, and Peyton and his receivers were throwing the ball over our defense like they were eighth graders, and our guys were fifth graders. Mile High was a dangerous and hostile place to be if you weren't a Broncos fan.

I was able to take solace in one beautiful fact though: while the Ravens lost to a future hall-of-famer, the Steelers lost to the TENNESSEE TITANS at their home stadium in Pittsburgh! They also lost four of their starters to injuries. It was basically a banner day for a loser who's less of a loser than other losers.

Good Thing He Didn't Get Any Guaranteed Money!

The Ravens recently-signed linebacker Rolando McClain, formerly of the Oakland Raiders, was arrested ELEVEN DAYS after joining a team that was willing to give him a (risky, IMO) second fourth chance. Reports out of Decatur, Alabama said that Rolando was at a park with 700 other people, there was some kind of fight, the cops tried to break it up, our boy got all N.W.A. on the situation and started screaming, "F*CK THE PO-LICE!" then resisted arrest, because that's OBVIOUSLY a good idea. According to the above (second) link, the 23-year-old was already out on bond because of some shenanigans earlier. I'm seriously beginning to wonder if this guy has ANY common sense...

Obviously I discussed the situation with Shawn, who laughed as much as one would expect a Steelers fan to laugh. (Probably because for once, it wasn't one of HIS players committing a crime.) While this isn't a verbatim quote (he refused to type one up for me, claiming he was "busy doing his job), this was the basic gist of why he thinks the Ravens drafted such a high-risk player in the first place:

"Rolando McClain seemed to be a reasonable option for the Ravens before the draft to fill the holes in their defense that they created when many of their players left or were cut. It's not that McClain is a bad player; he's just a personnel risk from a legal standpoint. Ravens' management wanted to go into the draft [which starts this Thursday] with the ability to draft players that they want, that will be the best option and NOT the players that they need to fill empty spaces on their roster."

JP Starkey of SBNation agrees with Shawn: it was a risk to hire McClain, and he's now put the Ravens in an awkward position only two days before the draft. The team is still deciding what to do, and it's hard to think that they'll make a decision in the next couple of days. Then again, I don't know anything about the draft, so we'll just wait and see.

"In Oz We Trust" is Becoming a REALLY Stupid Motto This Year

It figures. The first day off Shawn's taken in weeks, and the Ravens drop another huge bomb during free agency. (Well, they haven't actually officially made the announcement yet. Probably trying to find a PR-friendly way to do it.) Now who am I going to rant and rave to?!

The news of which I speak is that special teams player/inside linebacker/gay marriage advocate Brendon Ayanbadejo has been cut by the Ravens. (NOTE: If you are an intelligent, empathetic person, do NOT read the comments. I made that mistake, got to the two ignorant ones about how he's gay for supporting marriage equality, and had to leave my desk because my blood pressure spiked.)

He announced it this morning on his Twitter feed:

Now I learned this news from my friend Zack (more on that later), but it turns out Steve knew as well! He didn't tell me because "I knew you’d flip out." My friend Kelsey ALSO knew, but she didn't tell me because she figured that "if [she] knew then [ I ] probably knew." (Usually a valid assumption to make.) I understand their caution because I'm sitting here writing a blog entry about it, all upset and cranky.

Zack pointed out the confusion that many Ravens fans will feel about this bizarre and shocking move:

"We're already thin at inside linebacker, and the man is a beast on special teams. They weren't paying him a lot, so why do it? Zero sense move. Somehow I knew you would not be pleased [with the news]." (Everyone knows me really well apparently.)

Now, I don't pretend to understand the math involved during free agency with regards to salary caps. I can't give specific stats about why a player should or should not leave. But the terminations of Brendon's and Boldin's contracts just don't make any sense to me, nor do they make sense to a lot of fans in Ravens Nation.

I worry that next year isn't going to be as successful a year as 2012 was...

I'm Such A Forgetful Frannie

I've had these two links in my "drafts" folder for AGES but kept forgetting to post them here. I know it's incredibly late, but here's how my Ravens group got famous during the Super Bowl.

First we were on 9 News: http://www.9news.com/video/2140542795001/1/Watching-Super-Bowl-at-Denver-bar

Then we made it into Westword, Denver's alternative weekly: http://www.westword.com/slideshow/super-bowl-2013-ravens-fans-vs-49ers-fans-38739647/#37

If you look closely in those pictures, you can see me...in WAY too many pictures. Oy. 

Bye-Bye, Mr. Harrison

This free agency season has been a...confusing and frustrating one for members of the AFC North, the Ravens and Steelers in particular. I refuse - REFUSE - to discuss the changes Ravens' General Manager Ozzie Newsome has been making, as I've FINALLY gotten my blood pressure down to normal levels. I'll just say that if I go bald before my wedding because of Ravens personnel-related stress, Oz will have to hire more security.

Okay. So. As you can see from the board above, James Harrison has been cut by the Steelers. As you can see from the screenshot of his Twitter feed, James doesn't talk as...Hulk-esque as Shawn and I make him. Although he COULD have a ghost-writer, so who knows. Rumors are spreading that the Steelers and Harrison may reunite if they can come to an agreement about his salary, but there have also been rumors (which I HOPE TO GOD aren't true) that Ozzie has spoken with him and his agent.

Frankly, Harrison going to the Ravens is a HORRIBLE personnel move, in my opinion. I know that so many players say "Oh, we're enemies on the field, but off the field we don't hate each other, blah blah blah," but James is a dirty player who's injured our players before and has shown no remorse for it. I HIGHLY doubt that the locker room atmosphere wouldn't be tense (to put it mildly). I think James should retire, as he's 35 and has been banged up a lot the last few years. Shawn thinks that another team should sign him as a "two-down, pass-rush specialist." "He can cover, he can stop the run, but the wear and tear might just be too much for a 35-year-old." But will James take a position like that (not a starter)? And will he do it for less money than he thinks he deserves?

A lot of quality veterans and (in our minds) crucial guys from both teams have been traded/cut so far in free agency. Ravens fans are told from birth, "In Oz we trust," but as I told someone on Facebook earlier today, Ozzie Newsome is not a great and powerful wizard who can see through time and make infallible decisions. This may be the year he falls from his emerald tower.

Everyone Wants to be Ray-Ray

The ending of this video from Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update" made me tear up with laughter at work. I always used to joke that when Ray-Ray was ready to retire from playing football, he'd sack a quarterback so hard that he'd turn into dust and float away in the breeze to end the game in a victory. This is pretty good too.



Thanks to my friend Kelsey for sharing this lovely little gem with me:


From this article in The Baltimore Sun

The Disembodied Shoulder of Rashard Mendenhall

Ray's Retirement Party Week continues with a visit from the Ghost of Injuries Past.

Many Ravens fans remember with glee the HUGE hit Ray Lewis gave Rashard Mendenhall at the then-rookie's first visit to Baltimore. The video below isn't great as far as quality is concerned, but you can still see the hit and get the level of pain Mendenhall had to have been in.

EDIT: Shawn said that I needed to post a transcript for the above photo, as "No one can understand what the hell [he] wrote." Please see below.

Transcript:

Troy: "Really Mr. Lewis, the game will miss you."
Disembodied Shoulder of Rashard Mendenhall: "The game may but I sure won't! Don't let the door hit you!"
Ray: "! WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?"
Troy: "Oh! That's Rashard's broken shoulder. It's a little bitter."
Disembodied Shoulder of Rashard Mendenhall: "Yo mamma!"
Ray: "HA!" 

Ka-BOOM!

Only a few days prior, Rashard had been sending some texts to friend Ray Rice, which were promptly posted on the Ravens' bulletin board in the locker room. As former Raven player Bart Scott said at the time, "He said later that he was just joking, but it's too late. Thanks for the bulletin-board material, rookie."

Ray-Ray's hit on Mendenhall was so hard that it broke the kid's shoulder, ending his rookie season only four weeks into the 2008 season. Many people considered the timing of the hit - Mendenhall talking smack, Mendenhall going to the hospital - to be a little TOO coincidental. Thanks to T-Sizzle's big mouth, it was leaked that the Ravens had put a bounty on that particular Steeler (and his teammate Hines Ward). While Ward was flattered, he reminded Sizzle that such things aren't kosher in the NFL. Ray's smack talking to Sports Illustrated not long after the game pretty much confirmed that the hit was fierce on purpose.

Source

Now, I'm not saying that Ray Lewis isn't a "dirty" player. I'm not saying that the Ravens are angels on the field. They can be brutal. After all, try counting the number of times sportscasters use the (stupid) term "smash mouth" to describe the Baltimore team's defensive playing. But the Steelers aren't saints either. Hines Ward was often voted the NFL's Dirtiest Player by his league peers in 2009, and let's face it: James Harrison is the result of a lion, a furious rhino, and a cheetah mating in a horrible threesome. (Troy comes in at #9 on that same poll. Ray Lewis is #11. James somehow managed not to be included in the top 16; perhaps his peers were terrified he'd go after them?)

Without a powerhouse like Lewis on the team, here's hoping that other Ravens (Sizzle? Kruger? Ngata? Reed?) step up to destroy the "enemy" week after week. But not with hits to the head. That shit's not cool.

Amazing Photos from Ray's Last Day at Ravens Stadium

Shawn Hubbard has been a photographer for the Baltimore Ravens for a long time. He's one of the lucky men who does the photo shoots for the cheerleaders calendar. He was asked to take photos during Ray Lewis' final game in M&T Bank Stadium against the Colts. These pictures are beautiful and poignant. I want to purchase prints of several of these beautiful shots. Shawn, on the other hand, rolled his eyes at me when I said that I had forwarded the link to him.

Shawn: "Why do you think I like Ray Lewis and want to look at pictures of him?"
Me: "Because even if you don't like HIM, the photographs themselves are gorgeous! You can appreciate the photography at least..."
Shawn: "No, I can't."

What a Grumpy Cat. >:P

Here's the link for those of you who DO appreciate beautiful photography, regardless of whether or not the subject matter is on your football team: http://shawnhubbard.wordpress.com/2013/01/08/ray-leaving-a-legacy/

This photo is the one I wish I could purchase most. I'm woman enough to admit that it made me tear up a little.

Copyright Shawn Hubbard

Steelers in the News

The comments, according to Steve, are the best part of this article about Chris Rainey getting fired after getting arrested.

http://profootballtalk.nbcsports.com/2013/01/10/steelers-cut-chris-rainey-hours-after-arrest/

Note that next to the comments on the right side of the screen is a "Days Without an Arrest" clock. Yesterday, it was at something like 14. Whomp whomp. Way to break the streak, Rainey.

RAY DAY 2013

First of all, I don't agree with Shawn assessment that Ray Lewis is leaving a storied, lucrative career in football to be a commentator on Competitive Thumb Wrestling. However, the sentiment is the same - everyone in the NFL is going to miss Ray Lewis. There have been plenty of stories this week and plenty of television retrospectives on his career, legacy, and the great work he's done in the community of Baltimore for the last 17 years.

This week, Shawn and I will be celebrating that legacy with a retirement party for our favorite yelling Raven. Expect an update every day with special guests sending Ray off into the sunset.

One of the many, MANY videos Ravens fans watch/listen to to get jacked the fuck up for game day!

WHAT TIME IS IT?!

RAY TIME!