Playoff Hopes and Dreams

The time for participation in my work's playoff pool has arrived, but so far only three people (myself obviously included) have signed up. Shawn said that if we don't get more people by tomorrow, he will have to cancel the pool. I asked him to forward this to the other invitees, as he had bcc'd everyone, so I couldn't email them directly.


Dear fellow playoff pool members,

I understand that last year was a difficult one for all of you. I rode the dark horse all the way to the Super Bowl and playoff pool victory and didn’t even have the courtesy of buying you all drinks. (My credit card balance, however, felt that I had made the right choice.) This year, however, my beloved Ravens aren’t in the playoffs, so it seems that you will all have a good shot at winning. Remember, my first year here saw me getting a pathetically low amount of points, as I had no team to believe in. I find myself in a similar position this year. My only dreams remaining are that the Broncos and the Patriots will be sitting at home on Super Bowl Sunday, watching the same commercials I am and wondering when their lives went so terribly, terribly wrong.

So I implore all of you to join in the fun again this year so we can keep the tradition of mocking Shawn’s single-digit final score alive. Without a high number of participants, Shawn will cancel the playoff pool, and I’ll find myself devoid of any interest in football on Sundays for the remainder of the month. Please, give me something to live for; my Ravens certainly didn’t this season.

Sincerely,
Nikki Cimino
Reigning Playoff Pool Champion

A Vocabulary Lesson with Mr. Lewis - Part Two

The vocabulary lesson finishes with three more useful terms for all NFL fans to know. We're going to start with a word that's been around about as long as "Romo" has and is about a quarterback who's just as marinated in failure as Tony Romo is.

I don't need to tell you how ridiculous Mark Sanchez is. Look up any of my blog entries that are tagged "lolJets" or "Mark Sanchez," you'll get a brief intro to the world of awful he lives in. Therefore, I won't even bother going any further in this definition and just leave you with this tweet by one of my favorite satirical Twitter accounts:

#Jets 30 #Falcons 28 FINAL If Mark Sanchez was QB, they wouldn't have needed that field goal to win. They'd be down by 20.
— NOTSportsCenter NFL (@NOTSCNFL) October 8, 2013

Ravens fans will NEVER forgive He Who Shall Not Be Named (Billy Cundiff) for being the sole (don't argue with us on this point) reason that the team didn't win the AFC Championship game in 2011. His wide-left whiff field goal attempt broke hearts across the world.

I literally choked on my own spit when I saw that this video existed.

Any time an opposing kicker lines up for a field goal, we all chant for a "Cundiff," hoping the kicker shames his team mates and his family members by screwing up and costing his team crucial points.

Five games in and Billy Cundiff has only missed two field goals. This has to be a record for him, right? #TNF
— NOTSportsCenter NFL (@NOTSCNFL) October 4, 2013

I INTERRUPT THIS POST TO SHOW YOU THE BEST THING I'VE EVER SEEN ON URBAN DICTIONARY. (Look in the upper right corner.)

That beautiful picture is a great transition into our final definition: Bradying. The term comes from an unofficial rule NFL referees have seemingly made up that protects a quarterback (except for Ben Roethlisberger or Joe Flacco or anyone else who can actually take a hit) from being touched during games. If you hurt the QB, then what's the point of even finishing the game? The incident that truly embodies this rule happened in 2008 when safety Bernard Pollard (then with the Kansas City Chiefs) slammed into Tom Brady and ended the superstar's season. After Brady returned, there was a long period of time when a defensive player couldn't even THINK of MAYBE hitting Tommy Boy or else they'd get called for a personal foul.

Example: "Terrell Suggs was fined $250,000 today for Bradying before the AFC Championship game. Said the hard-hitter, 'I guess I sneezed too close to Tom, and the slight breeze it created messed up his hair. This s**t is getting ridiculous.'"

The Apocalypse is Coming

Brainstorm: Top 10 Signs the Apocalypse is Coming - NFL Version

1. The Chiefs are undefeated.
2. The Steelers are 0-4 for the first time in 45 years.
3. The Browns have won 2 games in a row, are at the "top" of the AFC North. (2nd behind Ravens)
4. Tom Brady is struggling to beat teams by 20 points.
5. Rex Ryan is relatively "thin."
6. Roddy White is stinking it up.
7. Eagles fans cheered for Donovan McNabb and Andy Reid.
8. Despite his best efforts, Shawn still hasn't won a fantasy football game.
9. Meanwhile, Marshall is winning the league.
10. Nikki would rather be outside than watch football.

*Tim Tebow is no longer in the NFL this year...COINCIDENCE?

UPDATE: Aaron Hernandez Charged with Murder

Aaron Hernandez was officially charged with murder and several counts of unlawful possession of firearms. I wonder if they'll eventually add obstruction of justice to the charges, or if they consider a suspect destroying evidence to be a "natural" reaction?

Murder was the Case That They Gave Him: Patriots Edition

Transcript:

Troy: "So Mr. Lewis, any (cough...) advice for Mr. Hernandez?"
Ray:  "TROY! THAT'S A VERY RUDE QUESTION! MY PAST IS IN THE PAST! He should work with the DA, though. Probably turn himself in. Oh, and stop watching Scarface!"

You've probably heard by now that Patriots tight end Aaron Hernandez was arrested. While charges haven't been officially announced yet (they're waiting to arraign him), the case is MAD sketchy. A semi-pro football player was found in an industrial park a half-mile from Hernandez's house, shot execution style (which freaks me out the most). Apparently, Hernandez and the dead man, Odin Lloyd, were friends who had been seen hanging out before the killing. More sketch news: "ABC News has reported that Hernandez destroyed his cellphone and video surveillance system and had his home professionally cleaned the day Lloyd's body was found. And Massachusetts State Police have twice searched Hernandez's home, along with nearby woods and a pond." (from the article linked above; emphasis mine) Dude, that's some CSI stuff right there. Also, obstruction of justice.

This isn't the first time someone's accused Aaron Hernandez of committing an act of violence. A man in Florida accused him of shooting him in the face; the injury resulted in the loss of the man's eye. The man wouldn't cooperate with the cops though (WITNESS INTIMIDATION?!?!), so the case was "deemed inactive."

Now, everyone know that the US guarantees that you're "innocent until proven guilty", but let's get real here: the evidence against the tight end is pretty damning. He could at least be convicted of obstructing justice; that much is obvious. Now, I'm obviously a TOTALLY biased party, but I'd just like to say that the incident with Ray Lewis was much more confusing than this. No one knows who stabbed the victim, and Ray-Ray cooperated with police and plead guilty to move the case along. He paid the fees, did his time, and spent the rest of his life/NFL career staying on the straight and narrow and giving back to the community (including attempting to climb Mt. Kilimanjaro from July 2nd - July 9th (my birthday!)). I know I speak on behalf of all Ravens fans when I say, "Shut your mouths, haters." I'm looking forward to bringing up how the Pats players are criminals (oh! and don't forget Spygate) for years to come.

ProFootballTalk.com is obviously blowing up the article about the arrest. I'll end this entry with my favorite comment:

rodge1 says: Jun 26, 2013 10:31 AM: Somewhere Ballard and Tebow are high-fiving each other.

Elite as F*ck

There's obviously been a LOT of talk (understatement) about the deal Joe Flacco just signed, cementing him as the Ravens' franchise quarterback. Some think he's worth it, especially after his playoff victories. Others think the Ravens are wasting valuable cap money on an "inconsistent" player. The pro-Flacco camp then counters with how much better Joe got after Cam was fired, and everyone agrees that firing Cam Cameron was a great idea.

As a paranoid Ravens fan, I'm worried that Fate will do something awful to screw all this up. I won't say my specific fears, as that will only bring the Evil Eye, and I don't have time to deal with that. All any of us can do is wait until training camp/pre-season and see.
Also, to hell with Tom Brady. };)

Choppers Sports Grill Representin'

Amy is our usual bartender at Choppers. She's loved us, and we've loved her since week one. Today she's reppin' the Ravens, like any good friend would.

 

 There are many reasons why we love Amy. ;)

 Chris, seen here attempting to photobomb my picture inappropriately, is my "bar boyfriend"

An Important Message from the Baltimore City Police Department

My friend Kelsey lives and works in some sketch parts of Baltimore, so she receives email alerts from the po-po whenever something goes down in her selected hoods. This video arrived through that official email service the other day, and I've been saving it for today.

Shawn told me I'm (once again) the only one who put any faith in the Ravens to win this game. Fingers crossed my faith is rewarded.

Defeating Mr. Bundchen

Me: "How do you spell Gisele's last name?
Steve: "I don't know because I don't care."

After last year's GLORIOUS Super Bowl loss, Tom Brady's wife Gisele gave some hecklers a piece of her mind about Hubby's team mates' skills...or rather, lack thereof. Brady quickly lost ANY cred he may have once possessed, as he now looked like a whiny Pee-Wee footballer whose helicopter mommy swooped in to yell at the coach and the other kids' parents.

Sorry this post is out of order chronologically. (It should have been posted on Monday after the Ravens' win in Denver.) I found it on my phone while posting something else online, and after checking my post list for the blog, realized it'd been omitted.

EDIT: The geniuses at the Ravens sub-Reddit came up with this great drinking game for today!! Follow the rules all the way to the emergency room.

Best Friends and Betting

As always, the Ravens are underdogs in their latest game. They're returning once more to Foxboro for another shot at becoming the AFC champions.

While Troy admits that he supports Mr. Lewis as a friend and competitor, he's making a "smart bet" by putting his money on the Patriots. Here's hoping Troy loses his money on Sunday.

Pre-PRE-Game Party - Ravens Fans Edition

Last weekend Ravens fans from all over - Colorado, Utah, Los Angeles, Las Vegas, Maryland, Delaware, Pennsylvania, and Scotland! - met at Stoney's Full Steam Tavern in downtown Denver to party hard. In addition to our usual Denver crew, we had a large contingent of fans fly in from Baltimore through the social group BMORE Around Town. Some of the fans even made it onto ABC 2 News in Baltimore. (My scene was, unfortunately, cut, which is balls, considering putting a girl in a pandahat on television would be AWESOME.) Behold the craziness of some of the best fans on earth.

The front bar, which ended up being PACKED by the end of the night

Small part of the back bar. It was also packed, but mostly with fans from out of town

Gordon, our Scottish superfan, was one of the people who made the news broadcast (obviously!)

 

Speaking of news broadcasts, this is the videographer who filmed an interview I did with ABC 2 News (the video of which I can't find, much to my frustration) about my role in convincing the Baltimore Orioles to make an anti-bullying video for the "It Gets Better" campaign. We thought we recognized each other, but the story was filmed a couple of years ago, and pandahat can be an excellent disguise.

Time to party!!

Steve, my adorable novio (in theory, that shirt is purple; it doesn't show well in the picture)

I have no idea WTF is going on in this picture.

Dave and Caroline, two of our Denver regulars

Rockin' the Joe Flacco jersey from his time at the University of Delaware (Go Blue Hens!)

Hannah is Dave's girlfriend; they actually met through the Ravens group! Here were are showing off our matching Ravens scarves.

Charlie is our youngest member and one of the greatest cornhole players our Denver group has.

For organizing all of our Ravens activities through the seasons, including the AWESOME "home game" weekend, the group present Nicci, a.k.a. "Mama Bird", with a Certificate of Appreciation.

Bill is second-in-command of the Denver group and also received a Certificate of Appreciation.

Here I am congratulating Bill with an awesome selfie.

I was given an award too - a Team Spirit Award for "Most Intense" (although I maintain that I should have been "Loudest" and our friend James "Most Intense")

When they asked me what superlative Steve should get on his Team Spirit Award, I suggested (and it was agreed) that he get "Most Patience."

We had to use Maggie's long(er than mine) arms to take this sweet selfie of us. She and I ALWAYS sit next to each other at the bar during games. We're intense like that.

INFILTRATED BY THE ENEMY!!

WE'RE COMING FOR YOU, NEW ENGLAND!!