Ray Rice in Trouble

Transcript:
Big Ben: "It's the Rays! So guys, quick question. How long before it's illegal to be named "Ray" and play in Baltimore?"
Ray Lewis: "AAH! DON'T MAKE ME UNRETIRE!"
Ray Rice: "..."

By now, anyone who's a Ravens fan, a football fan, or someone who "enjoys" celebrity "gossip" knows about the incident of Ray Rice getting drunk in Atlantic City, allegedly getting into a physical altercation with his fiance, and knocking her unconscious. TMZ released a video showing Ray dragging his unconscious fiance out of an elevator. Attorneys for both parties claim that the video is edited (which, knowing TMZ and the people who give them their "news", could very well be true), and "only shows part of the story." While there's uncertainty about what sort of punishment Ray could receive from law enforcement, the Ravens, and the league, so far top Ravens personnel are saying that Ray won't be released.

(I'd like to mention that the "yards per carry" joke wasn't written by either Shawn or me. A work friend of Shawn's contributed that. He's not the only one making that joke.)

While Shawn and I are using this incident for blog fodder and are commenting on it with tongues firmly implanted in our cheeks, I'd like to go on record and say that I am INCREDIBLY disappointed in Ray Rice. While fans obviously don't know everything about the characters of their favorite players, Ray had always seemed to be a stand-up guy in the past. He has a close relationship with his mother, and he, his fiance, and their daughter have always been seen as a happy family.

I got into a discussion with my friend China and several of her friends on Facebook about whether or not Ray was "justified" in hitting his fiance after she allegedly spit on him first. They were of the belief that spitting on someone is the most degrading thing you can do to a person. China additionally took the stance of "equal rights, equal fights": women want equality with men in every other aspect of their lives except when it comes to having men fight back when women start physical altercations. If the fiance started something, she should have been prepared to finish it. I pointed out that a small woman like her hitting a big guy like Ray wouldn't (and obviously didn't) do as much damage as Ray hitting her back and that it was an unfair fight. We reached a stalemate, agreeing that the incident wasn't something we wanted one of our favorite athletes to be known for, but that we wouldn't see eye to eye about whether or not Ray was justified in his actions.

It will be interesting to see how the league handles this off-field, especially considering their previous lack of involvement in punishing players for misconduct in the past. For now, I know that Ray and the Ravens are hoping the Combine will take some of the spotlight off of them.

Valentine's Day

Angry Troy & Angry Ray have a very odd way of showing affection to one another, but at least it's coming from a place of mutual respect. I wonder if Regular Troy got anyone Valentine's Day gifts? He seems like the type to send at least a thoughtful card.

Speaking of....

I had some cards of my own to hand out!

The adorable puppy and kitty cards were VERY popular with my coworkers.

I hope you all were able to celebrate love and affection, even if it involved (appropriate, consensual) tackling.

Well, That was Unexpected

For obvious reasons, we had to write this, take the picture, and immediately erase it before someone in the school noticed that we had a character on Shawn's office's door cursing out someone else's mother. We had another idea for a "Troy's Anger Translator" post, but ultimately deemed it too "not okay" for publication. Let's just say that Shawn and I got a lot of laughs out of it.

These types of post will probably be showing up every now and then as "filler" during the off-season, which is approaching entirely too soon. We'd also like to get Ray an Anger Translator, as the idea of it also made Shawn and me giggle maniacally.

Talk Softly & Carry A Big Head of Hair

Translation:

Troy: "As you can imagine, I am very upset that the Steelers are once again not in the Super Bowl. I don't wish to offend anyone by expressing my opinion on the matter, so I'll let my Anger Translator, On-Field Troy, do my speaking for me."

On-Field Troy: "Super Bowl? SUPER BOWL! This ain't no Super Bowl without the Steelers! Yo mamma makes a better Super Bowl after eating a gas station burrito than this!"

Yes. That word in the picture IS "better" and not "butter." The idea of a Super Bowl made of butter is hilarious and intriguing, but not what Shawn was going for.

Rumor has it that sketch comics Key & Peele got their idea for Obama's Anger Translator Luther from Troy Polamalu. I'm sure Troy was nice enough to let them use the idea without crediting him.

I've never heard Polamalu raise his voice. All over my tv. RT @LesIzMore Being a quiet defensive NFL player doesn’t get you commercials
— D'Brickashaw (@DragonflyJonez) January 22, 2014

@DragonflyJonez @LesIzMore he can't raise his voice though. He talks like Michael Jackson.
— jessica danielle (@NFLGoodwitch) January 22, 2014

@DragonflyJonez Polamalu was #6 in top marketing NFL players in 2012 http://t.co/RWRgvyxZJn
— Gold Solid Gold (@GoffSolid) January 22, 2014

@DragonflyJonez Head & Shoulders commercials= his hair is loud
— Ronnie Dumagpi (@RonEDumagpi) January 22, 2014

While Troy is a lovely human being off the field, doing charity work, mentoring younger players, and donating organs to those in need, Troy ON field is a dangerous beast without any sense of morals, integrity, or respect for human life. See the videos below for a few examples of how the big-haired veteran we know and love can turn into a monster for 60 minutes every Sunday.

Much like a football-playing Superman, Troy can jump offensive lines in a single bound.

Sometimes Troy's Anger Translator gets a little...TOO intense...

Head & Shoulders isn't the only product that Troy feels passionate about!

How Very Unlike You, Troy

Crudely-Drawn Steelers Coach Mike Tomlin: "Polamalu! What the hell was that ridiculously early jump last night? [Sunday's late game] It's unlike you! Do you need a concussion test?!"
Crudely-Drawn Troy Polamalu: "Coach, please remember that this is a game. We are lucky to be part of it and should enjoy doing it. I enjoy jumping over the o-line. What do you enjoy?"
C-DSCMT: "Not getting penalties."
C-DTP: "Oh...


Non-supportive Husband Steve: "Why don't you have pictures of them instead of drawings?"
Me: "Because I didn't have the time to Google image search appropriate pictures of the two of them, print them out, cut them to an appropriate size, and then put them on the white board."
Supportive Husband Steve: "The drawings look nice."

I Don't Even Know I Can't Even

I want to start off by saying that I OBVIOUSLY should have written this post sooner, like, well before the game instead of well after. But I'd like to blame Shawn (because it's easy) for my slacking, as he was out of the office on Thursday and Friday (I'm sure with a legit reason), so I couldn't really get into a shit-talking mood. Good thing, turns out.

This Ravens - Steelers game was uglier than the population of Pittsburgh. Both sides were awful, but it turns out, the Ravens were more awful. Let's not discuss the on-side kick that was ruined by an offside penalty and by MVP of the Year Justin Tucker touching the damn thing too early then getting SMOKED while he was trying to recover it. (1:22 shows the close-up.) 

Then you have Troy COMPLETELY blowing the timing on a field goal snap. It wasn't his first misread of the game, although it was certainly the most "WTF" to watch. Because he's been spending too much energy trying to read the QB's/snapper's minds, I think he's started living 3 seconds in the future. (That's a thing, right?)

So here's what Shawn wrote as a way of...I don't know...trying to be clever. I spent most of the week in a simmering, art school kid seethe about it. I mean, if you're going to write a parody of a form poem, you need to actually maintain the form (meter, rhyme scheme, etc.). But whatever. The rhyming got better towards the end, and as Shawn said, "YOU try writing something creative in two minutes!" Please see my (unfinished, thanks to a creativity drain at the end of the week) poem at the end of this post. It took me one minute to write.

"Twas the week before the Ravens Steelers game and not a player was stirring, not even a Ryan Clark Twitter posting. The jock straps were tightened with care in hopes that no fumble pile crotch shots would be there. The coaches were nestled all snug in their film rooms with visions of helmet-to-helmet collisions and Troy's flowing hair. When out on the ketchup field arose such a clatter as Brett Keisel's beard shouted, "Whatsa matter?" Joe Flacco sprang from the pocket with a flash to throw another check down to Ray Rice at the hash. Lawrence Timmons screamed, "On Haywood, on Taylor, on Williams and Jones RIP apart these damn Ravens, tear their skin from their bones!"

#Steelers 19 #Ravens 16 FINAL Ah, this is reminiscent of a time not so long ago when the outcome of this game would actually mean something.
— NOTSportsCenter NFL (@NOTSCNFL) October 20, 2013

Nikki's Poem
Twas the night before game day
and all through the streets,
not a person was shit-talking,
not even Ryan Clark's tweets.

Terrible Towels
were strung far and wide
so crying Steelers fans
had somewhere to hide.

The Ravens were sleeping
all snug in their nest,
dreaming of last year
when they were the best.

Perhaps I'll finish writing this poem for the Thanksgiving Night game...WHICH I'LL BE ATTENDING AT HOME IN BALTIMORE BECAUSE MY DADDY GOT ME TICKETS!!!!!!...but we'll see.

Sweet Pea Ain't So Sweet

Big Ben: "What's that, Ray?"**
Ray Lewis: "Wow, Ben, in my day Sweet Pea wouda got what she deserved! Tips!"
Big Ben: "C'mon, Ray! That's not even right."
Ray Lewis: "What? I mean from the Ravens' upcoming opponents!"
Big Ben: "Badump Bump!"

**I have no idea what order Shawn meant for this dialogue to go, so I just kinda winged it.

By now, I'm sure you've all heard the story of Ravens player (and Dancing with the Stars sensation) Jacoby Jones getting hit in the head with a champagne bottle by a stripper named Sweet Pea on a party bus while celebrating teammate Bryant McKinney's birthday. (This first link is my FAVORITE about the news, mainly because the headline is SO misleading about the content to come.) Jacoby has "apologized" about the incident without really apologizing. Torrey Smith pointed out that this is a non-story (while building a house for Habitat for Humanity! Why isn't THAT being talked about?!), and the media should just move on. And Ray Lewis, never one to shy from offering an opinion that brings the story back around to him, blames a lack of leadership after his retire and Ed Reed's move to the Texans for Jacoby's Wild Night.

For those interested, this is what Baltimore's strippers look like:

(source)

Keep it classy, Bmore & Ravens.

James Smash Ben!

 

Big Ben: "AW MAAAAN! I gotta play HARRISON ON MONDAY? I'm gonna die!"

James Harrison, defying gravity: "BenGAl KITeY has cLAwS! bENgal sMaSH!"

Troy: "You see, Ben, when chance meets opportunity, opportunity should run for the sideline."

Ray, handsome as always: "YO! HOW DO MY TEETH LOOK ON TV?"

RvT has an all-new look! In that Ray's no longer in uniform, and I have multiple pictures I plan on using for Troy. This is his "One does not simply walk into Mordor" expression for when he gives advice.

Shawn's take on our characters' reactions to Ben's lament isn't quite what I had in mind, but it's probably much better. My idea was just to have everyone tell Ben he was going to die. :p

The Bengals beat the Steelers, although since I was watching Dollhouse on Netflix, I don't know what the final score was. I could Google it, but it's late, and I want to go to bed. I'll have another entry tomorrow morning anyway, so I'll save some other material for then. For now, I'll drift off to sleep and dream of laughing at Shawn because his team is 0-2 and huddled with the Browns at the bottom of the AFC North.

Nikki Post: #LOLjets, Pre-season Preview

While Gang Green beat the Giants in OT (BILLY CUNDIFF, of all people, made the game-winning FG), Head Coach Rex "Coach Fatty" Ryan chose to put presumed-starter Mark "Uh Oh Hotdog" Sanchez in as QB in the fourth quarter...behind the barely-third-string offensive line players. In a sack that literally made me yell in sympathy pain, Sanchez got SMASHED between two Giants D-men and left the game with what is speculated to be a very severe shoulder injury. The press corps, sportscasters, and fans of all kinds are wondering just WTF Rex was thinking. When the NY media (a blood-thirsty bunch, to be fair) asked him about it in the post-game presser, Rex basically lost his damn mind. Twitter obviously exploded. I made a Storify blog entry by pulling some of my favorite tweets about the Jets game tonight.

UPDATE: Aaron Hernandez Charged with Murder

Aaron Hernandez was officially charged with murder and several counts of unlawful possession of firearms. I wonder if they'll eventually add obstruction of justice to the charges, or if they consider a suspect destroying evidence to be a "natural" reaction?

Murder was the Case That They Gave Him: Patriots Edition

Transcript:

Troy: "So Mr. Lewis, any (cough...) advice for Mr. Hernandez?"
Ray:  "TROY! THAT'S A VERY RUDE QUESTION! MY PAST IS IN THE PAST! He should work with the DA, though. Probably turn himself in. Oh, and stop watching Scarface!"

You've probably heard by now that Patriots tight end Aaron Hernandez was arrested. While charges haven't been officially announced yet (they're waiting to arraign him), the case is MAD sketchy. A semi-pro football player was found in an industrial park a half-mile from Hernandez's house, shot execution style (which freaks me out the most). Apparently, Hernandez and the dead man, Odin Lloyd, were friends who had been seen hanging out before the killing. More sketch news: "ABC News has reported that Hernandez destroyed his cellphone and video surveillance system and had his home professionally cleaned the day Lloyd's body was found. And Massachusetts State Police have twice searched Hernandez's home, along with nearby woods and a pond." (from the article linked above; emphasis mine) Dude, that's some CSI stuff right there. Also, obstruction of justice.

This isn't the first time someone's accused Aaron Hernandez of committing an act of violence. A man in Florida accused him of shooting him in the face; the injury resulted in the loss of the man's eye. The man wouldn't cooperate with the cops though (WITNESS INTIMIDATION?!?!), so the case was "deemed inactive."

Now, everyone know that the US guarantees that you're "innocent until proven guilty", but let's get real here: the evidence against the tight end is pretty damning. He could at least be convicted of obstructing justice; that much is obvious. Now, I'm obviously a TOTALLY biased party, but I'd just like to say that the incident with Ray Lewis was much more confusing than this. No one knows who stabbed the victim, and Ray-Ray cooperated with police and plead guilty to move the case along. He paid the fees, did his time, and spent the rest of his life/NFL career staying on the straight and narrow and giving back to the community (including attempting to climb Mt. Kilimanjaro from July 2nd - July 9th (my birthday!)). I know I speak on behalf of all Ravens fans when I say, "Shut your mouths, haters." I'm looking forward to bringing up how the Pats players are criminals (oh! and don't forget Spygate) for years to come.

ProFootballTalk.com is obviously blowing up the article about the arrest. I'll end this entry with my favorite comment:

rodge1 says: Jun 26, 2013 10:31 AM: Somewhere Ballard and Tebow are high-fiving each other.

Bye-Bye, Mr. Harrison

This free agency season has been a...confusing and frustrating one for members of the AFC North, the Ravens and Steelers in particular. I refuse - REFUSE - to discuss the changes Ravens' General Manager Ozzie Newsome has been making, as I've FINALLY gotten my blood pressure down to normal levels. I'll just say that if I go bald before my wedding because of Ravens personnel-related stress, Oz will have to hire more security.

Okay. So. As you can see from the board above, James Harrison has been cut by the Steelers. As you can see from the screenshot of his Twitter feed, James doesn't talk as...Hulk-esque as Shawn and I make him. Although he COULD have a ghost-writer, so who knows. Rumors are spreading that the Steelers and Harrison may reunite if they can come to an agreement about his salary, but there have also been rumors (which I HOPE TO GOD aren't true) that Ozzie has spoken with him and his agent.

Frankly, Harrison going to the Ravens is a HORRIBLE personnel move, in my opinion. I know that so many players say "Oh, we're enemies on the field, but off the field we don't hate each other, blah blah blah," but James is a dirty player who's injured our players before and has shown no remorse for it. I HIGHLY doubt that the locker room atmosphere wouldn't be tense (to put it mildly). I think James should retire, as he's 35 and has been banged up a lot the last few years. Shawn thinks that another team should sign him as a "two-down, pass-rush specialist." "He can cover, he can stop the run, but the wear and tear might just be too much for a 35-year-old." But will James take a position like that (not a starter)? And will he do it for less money than he thinks he deserves?

A lot of quality veterans and (in our minds) crucial guys from both teams have been traded/cut so far in free agency. Ravens fans are told from birth, "In Oz we trust," but as I told someone on Facebook earlier today, Ozzie Newsome is not a great and powerful wizard who can see through time and make infallible decisions. This may be the year he falls from his emerald tower.

A HAIR-raising Accusation

Apparently, there have been several Ray Lewis-related "scandals" brewing this week as the media craps itself like little fangirls meeting one of the cast members of Dr. Who. Stupid questions are being tossed around, and sadly, most players are answering them with straight faces. (No, Dennis Pitta, that is NOT a "good question.") (BTW: #5 and #6 are my favorite dumb questions.)

One of the smaller big stories about Ray is that he wore spray-on hair to a press conference. I can't even comment any further on this because it's too ridiculous for words.

The bigger "controversy" is that Ray-Ray used deer antler spray (WTF?! That's a thing?!) as a way to heal his torn tricep quicker. The spray contains a chemical that's on the list of substances banned by the NFL for being performance enhancing, hence the controversy. I doubt that Ray would put his career and legacy in jeopardy by using something as stupid-sounding as "deer antler spray," and Shawn hypothesized that the two stories above are being "leaked by someone in the 49ers organization to distract everyone before the game." He might not be wrong.

There were other questions Ray had to answer and smile through and bullshit his way through, but that's just part of Media Day, as I understand it. I'm sure everyone will be a lot happier when everyone just shuts up and plays football.

Special blog shout-out: Brittany Rants about Football wrote this great post summing up the Ravens' 2012 season using gifs. I love it, so check it out.

Defeating Mr. Bundchen

Me: "How do you spell Gisele's last name?
Steve: "I don't know because I don't care."

After last year's GLORIOUS Super Bowl loss, Tom Brady's wife Gisele gave some hecklers a piece of her mind about Hubby's team mates' skills...or rather, lack thereof. Brady quickly lost ANY cred he may have once possessed, as he now looked like a whiny Pee-Wee footballer whose helicopter mommy swooped in to yell at the coach and the other kids' parents.

Sorry this post is out of order chronologically. (It should have been posted on Monday after the Ravens' win in Denver.) I found it on my phone while posting something else online, and after checking my post list for the blog, realized it'd been omitted.

EDIT: The geniuses at the Ravens sub-Reddit came up with this great drinking game for today!! Follow the rules all the way to the emergency room.

Ray Lewis at Home

Found this AMAZINGLY HILARIOUS comic on Reddit. 

This is the source site.

The Disembodied Shoulder of Rashard Mendenhall

Ray's Retirement Party Week continues with a visit from the Ghost of Injuries Past.

Many Ravens fans remember with glee the HUGE hit Ray Lewis gave Rashard Mendenhall at the then-rookie's first visit to Baltimore. The video below isn't great as far as quality is concerned, but you can still see the hit and get the level of pain Mendenhall had to have been in.

EDIT: Shawn said that I needed to post a transcript for the above photo, as "No one can understand what the hell [he] wrote." Please see below.

Transcript:

Troy: "Really Mr. Lewis, the game will miss you."
Disembodied Shoulder of Rashard Mendenhall: "The game may but I sure won't! Don't let the door hit you!"
Ray: "! WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?"
Troy: "Oh! That's Rashard's broken shoulder. It's a little bitter."
Disembodied Shoulder of Rashard Mendenhall: "Yo mamma!"
Ray: "HA!" 

Ka-BOOM!

Only a few days prior, Rashard had been sending some texts to friend Ray Rice, which were promptly posted on the Ravens' bulletin board in the locker room. As former Raven player Bart Scott said at the time, "He said later that he was just joking, but it's too late. Thanks for the bulletin-board material, rookie."

Ray-Ray's hit on Mendenhall was so hard that it broke the kid's shoulder, ending his rookie season only four weeks into the 2008 season. Many people considered the timing of the hit - Mendenhall talking smack, Mendenhall going to the hospital - to be a little TOO coincidental. Thanks to T-Sizzle's big mouth, it was leaked that the Ravens had put a bounty on that particular Steeler (and his teammate Hines Ward). While Ward was flattered, he reminded Sizzle that such things aren't kosher in the NFL. Ray's smack talking to Sports Illustrated not long after the game pretty much confirmed that the hit was fierce on purpose.

Source

Now, I'm not saying that Ray Lewis isn't a "dirty" player. I'm not saying that the Ravens are angels on the field. They can be brutal. After all, try counting the number of times sportscasters use the (stupid) term "smash mouth" to describe the Baltimore team's defensive playing. But the Steelers aren't saints either. Hines Ward was often voted the NFL's Dirtiest Player by his league peers in 2009, and let's face it: James Harrison is the result of a lion, a furious rhino, and a cheetah mating in a horrible threesome. (Troy comes in at #9 on that same poll. Ray Lewis is #11. James somehow managed not to be included in the top 16; perhaps his peers were terrified he'd go after them?)

Without a powerhouse like Lewis on the team, here's hoping that other Ravens (Sizzle? Kruger? Ngata? Reed?) step up to destroy the "enemy" week after week. But not with hits to the head. That shit's not cool.

Steelers in the News

The comments, according to Steve, are the best part of this article about Chris Rainey getting fired after getting arrested.

http://profootballtalk.nbcsports.com/2013/01/10/steelers-cut-chris-rainey-hours-after-arrest/

Note that next to the comments on the right side of the screen is a "Days Without an Arrest" clock. Yesterday, it was at something like 14. Whomp whomp. Way to break the streak, Rainey.

The Ravens are Going to Give All of Their Fans Heart Attacks

According to my many sources (drunk friends & Twitter), yesterday's game against the Chargers was one of the more stressful games of the season, which is saying something considering how many stressful games we've had so far. We went into overtime and only won thanks to the amazingness of Ray Rice, Torrey Smith, and crazy man kicker Justin "JTuck" Tucker. I was lucky enough to miss the stress and only catch the last few minutes of overtime on my Droid Ravens app (which I recommend!), as I was busy acting in a matinee performance of "It's A Wonderful Life: A Radio Play." I'm one of the leads, and I'm getting paid. It's pretty awesome.

We play the Steelers next week, which means that I'm going to get excessively drunk and possibly depressed again. Rumor is that Big Ben will be back, leaving Leftwich to nurse his broken ribs and Batch to disappear once again into third-stringer obscurity. Shawn and I (he more so than I obviously) are worried that Pittsburgh is rushing Ben back into the game too soon after his recent injury. We understand WHY the Steelers are making this move, but even with the Ravens' defense missing its hard-hitting players and having others in less-than-stellar form, we're still going to be playing with a very physical need to sweep the Steelers for the second year in a row. While I dislike Ben as a person and as a division rival, I don't want him to be crippled for the rest of his life. It'd be nice if Benjamin Roethlisberger, Jr. (actual name) could play with his dad without getting wounded by whatever prosthetic the old man will have.

Congrats to Ben and his family however. Here's hoping that fatherhood mellows him out and causes him to make better choices as a human being.

We Give Thanks

Putting aside the politics of Thanksgiving - the Pilgrims' treatment of the Native Americans, the failures of the first settlements, and the crass consumerism and violence of Black Friday - it's a pretty nice holiday. Everyone watches football, eats too much food, and gets into awkward family conversations that inevitably to drinking too much alcohol and occasionally, weeping. (At least, that's what I'm led to believe happens thanks to television and film.) Today the boys (with special guest Big Ben) tell each other what they're most thankful for.

For those who live under a rock/don't follow the Ravens and may not have heard, Ravens safety Ed Reed was initially suspended by the league for an illegal hit during the Ravens-Steelers game on 11/18. (I watched the game, and honestly, while it was a HARD hit, I don't know that it was necessarily a dirty one.) After an appeal, Ed had the suspension reversed and now only needs to pay a $50,000 fine. Being Ed Reed though, he's complaining about having to pay a fine at all. (Seriously, bro, keep your mouth shut. We need you to play the Chargers!) My opinions on the league's new no-tolerance rules against defensive players for certain kids of hits may be expanded upon at a later date and time, so I'll say no more than I think Ed's lucky that the fine is all he got.

Happy Thanksgiving to one and all! Enjoy watching the Lions, Cowboys, and Jets fail miserably on Thanksgiving as they (the first two teams anyway) do every year.

Because A Player's Health Isn't as Important as A Rivalry

Ben Rosen (@Rosen) tweeted at 9:21 AM on Sun, Nov 18, 2012:

Ryan Clark has had 2 concussions in 3 games. He's playing tonight with a "special helmet"...which I assume he'll be wearing a lot in his 50s