Interlude: Marshall and the Case of the Bad Touch

This board tells the story of an embarrassing misunderstanding Marshall had while skiing one weekend.

Marshall and his friend Lori had been skiing most of the day when Lori decided to call it quits. Marshall wanted to get another run in, so they agreed to meet in the lodge at a pizza place after he was done. (See Marshall skiing in the bottom right corner. The snowman is there to establish that he's skiing on snow and not a random wave-like hill.)

Upon entering the lodge, Marshall went looking for Lori. She was wearing a distinctive red hat that Marshall could use to find her if they got separated on the slopes. He saw her - in her red hat with her blonde hair poking through - watching the football game on TV in a different part of the lodge. Thinking that there just hadn't been seating in their original location, Marshall walked up to Lori and wordlessly started giving her a back massage. After a minute or so, she asked who he was....it turns out, it wasn't Lori at all! It was some random woman who happened to have Lori's same hat. She joked that he was lucky her husband wasn't around, and with many sincere apologies, Marshall left to find Lori in the pizza shop area, wondering where he'd been (upper right corner).

The story quickly spread through the office, everyone making sure Marshall told this person and that person, and eventually an artistic interpretation of the incident made its way to Tracy's white board.

Valentine's Day

Angry Troy & Angry Ray have a very odd way of showing affection to one another, but at least it's coming from a place of mutual respect. I wonder if Regular Troy got anyone Valentine's Day gifts? He seems like the type to send at least a thoughtful card.

Speaking of....

I had some cards of my own to hand out!

The adorable puppy and kitty cards were VERY popular with my coworkers.

I hope you all were able to celebrate love and affection, even if it involved (appropriate, consensual) tackling.

Playoff Hopes and Dreams

The time for participation in my work's playoff pool has arrived, but so far only three people (myself obviously included) have signed up. Shawn said that if we don't get more people by tomorrow, he will have to cancel the pool. I asked him to forward this to the other invitees, as he had bcc'd everyone, so I couldn't email them directly.


Dear fellow playoff pool members,

I understand that last year was a difficult one for all of you. I rode the dark horse all the way to the Super Bowl and playoff pool victory and didn’t even have the courtesy of buying you all drinks. (My credit card balance, however, felt that I had made the right choice.) This year, however, my beloved Ravens aren’t in the playoffs, so it seems that you will all have a good shot at winning. Remember, my first year here saw me getting a pathetically low amount of points, as I had no team to believe in. I find myself in a similar position this year. My only dreams remaining are that the Broncos and the Patriots will be sitting at home on Super Bowl Sunday, watching the same commercials I am and wondering when their lives went so terribly, terribly wrong.

So I implore all of you to join in the fun again this year so we can keep the tradition of mocking Shawn’s single-digit final score alive. Without a high number of participants, Shawn will cancel the playoff pool, and I’ll find myself devoid of any interest in football on Sundays for the remainder of the month. Please, give me something to live for; my Ravens certainly didn’t this season.

Sincerely,
Nikki Cimino
Reigning Playoff Pool Champion

Sthufferin' Sthafford!

The Ravens NEEDED to win their game against the Lions in order to have a shot at the AFC Wildcard spot. Hell, they have to win ALL their games from now on to have any realistic playoff dreams whatsoever. Of the 9 Monday Night Football analysts, only 4 chose the Ravens to win, including Fearless Leader Ray Lewis. (Top contender for "World's Worst QB with a Super Bowl Ring" Trent Dilfer did NOT chose the Ravens, which meant the Ravens fans at the bar loudly booed him.)

Things were NOT looking good for the Players in Purple when it became obvious that the offense couldn't get into the end zone; it was as if they were allergic to touchdowns & success. Luckily, the Ravens have something the Lions don't have - Justin Motha Fuckin' Tucker, the greatest kicker in the NFL. JTuck was the only one putting points on our half of the scoreboard all night. Our defense had 2 key interceptions (including one that sealed the victory), but Joe and the boys couldn't close the deal. Ravens fans continued drinking heavily. At the end of the game, the Lions were up by 2. The Ravens charged down field but once again failed to deliver as Joe threw 3 incomplete passes. Rather than give his exceptionally high-paid franchise QB another shot, John Harbaugh put the Three-man Wolfpack on the field. The game was in Justin Tucker's legs.

My fan friends at the bar closed in on me, furiously rubbing the pandahat on my head for good luck, all of us looking through our fingers. I had no doubt of JTuck's abilities; I somehow knew the kick would be good, even as I feared its potential failure.

Morgan Cox with the snap. Sam Koch gets the ball laces out. Justin Tucker kicks. The pigskin goes sailing towards the Lions' uprights, dangerously leaning far right. Closer...closer...closer...OH GOD! Like a sweet, body-shuddering orgasm, the ball JUST cleared the right goal post! The kick is good! The Ravens win the game!! THE RAVENS WIN THE GAME!!

The Lions were not as happy as I was.

Justin Tucker is the 1st kicker in NFL history to make a FG from distances in the 20's, 30's, 40's, 50's & 60's. pic.twitter.com/bxcbPo5BDb

— FOX Sports Live (@FOXSportsLive) December 17, 2013

 **Addendum to this tweet: He's the first to "kick for the cycle" in a single game!**

Uh oh looks like someone updated Wikipedia pic.twitter.com/jpN1M3LweQ
— Tim Gilman (@TIMinBALTIMORE) December 17, 2013

They changed it back, unfortunately.

RT @SportsCenter: Crazy Stat of the Day: Justin Tucker kicked 248 yds worth of field goals, 13 more than Matthew Stafford's 235 yds passing
— Baltimore Ravens (@Ravens) December 17, 2013

Justin was understandably cocky about the whole experience: http://www.baltimoreravens.com/news/article-1/Justin-Tucker-Happy-For-Fantasy-Owners/

To end this blog, I'll leave you with some fantastic conversation blurbs I had with my friends. Enjoy!

Me: "I'm thinking that we need to take money from Flacco and give it to Justin Tucker."

Zack: "Hahaha! The evidence supporting that is insurmountable."

Me: "Steve had to explain to me how 'contracts' and 'paying kickers' works."

Me: "Twitter is calling him 'Legatron'."

Tia:  "Best name ever. Beats Megatron, who dropped three passes yesterday and did shit for the Lions."

Me: "I know! Everyone at the bar kept yelling, 'OLLLLLDDDD MAAAANNN'."

Tia:  "Give him a break. He might have forgotten to take his Metamucil or Centrum Silver. Jimmy Mutha fuckin' Smith, blockin' Calvin Johnson like Kanye blocked Taylor Swift at the VMAs!"

Lament of the IT Professional

Shawn receives computer parts all day long. If he doesn't visit me at the front desk to pick them up, I make sure that Ray and Troy let him know that the packages are safe in their care.

Time to UnRAYtire

Ray: "ARRRRGHHH! THIS SEASON IS AWFUL! I'M GONNA UNRETIRE AND TAKE THE TEAM TO THE SUPER BOWL AGAIN!"
Troy: "How so, Mr. Lewis? Do you think you can play on the offensive line this time around?"

Whenever a team is doing poorly, talking heads and fans scramble to find someone to blame. I asked my husband Steve and one of my best friends Zack for their opinions about what's going wrong with the Ravens.

Steve: [Offensive Coordinator Jim Caldwell] keeps calling plays like the offensive line is competent. They were better last game. They finally called some draw plays that I had been screaming for all season, and they worked. They ran the ball to the outside. Joe rolled out to his right sometimes instead of trying to stay in the pocket. Even though the field was a mess and Chicago’s defense is pretty good, it worked. They should have been doing that all season and hopefully they will continue to do it.

Zack: [Offensive Line Coach Andy Moeller] decided to install a new blocking scheme after the old one won us a Super Bowl.  I know there were personnel changes too, but the talent is still there, so I think the o-line coaching is to blame for a lot of our offensive struggles. Well, that combined with [Cam] Cameron-esque play calling, which I can only imagine is the result of Harbaugh telling Caldwell that he wants to run this type of offense.

Apparently, I'm not the only one who thinks Ray Lewis wishes he could go back to the game...

 Not as good as the Madden ads w/him and Paul Rudd though

INTERRUPTION: There Are No Football Players Named "Nikki"

Marshall and his brother recently participated in a local charity run to raise funds for the Mountain Gorilla Conservation Fund. The Denver Gorilla Run had its 10th anniversary recently, and they wanted to make the occasion special. Their goal for this year's run was to beat the Guinness World Record for Most People Dressed as Gorillas in One Location (1,061). DGR was successful: they had 1,161 people participate!

While Marshall and his brother were walking around, they saw someone dressed in a Brandon Marshall jersey. While they were chatting with the guy to see if he'd get a picture with Marshall (name matching!), they saw someone wearing a Hines Ward jersey. As Marshall's last name is Ward, his brother got SUPER excited to have both of them take a picture with Marshall. Luckily, these strangers were game, and so the internet now has this marvelous picture of Marshall Ward with Marshall & Ward.

INTERRUPTION: Marshall is the Weirdest

This is Marshall. He works in our finance department. Tracy sent these pictures to me via email with the subject heading "KSPH 301 Disc Jockey." I mentioned that it was funny because he was wearing Ravens purple AND Steelers yellow (well, a lighter version). Being a hardcore Broncos fan, Marshall disliked my comments.

I guess this is him arguing with someone on the "radio" line about fantasy football?

UPDATE: Tracy told me that Marshall was wearing purple for Spirit Day, which aims to raise awareness about and eradicate bullying, specifically of LGBT youth. I'm an active ally of the LGBT movement, but it's been a bad week for me, so the day completely slipped under my radar. Ironically, I wasn't wearing purple yesterday, so I wasn't even "accidentally" participating. Today being Purple Friday, however, I am rockin' a purple tee and a purple tank under it. So I "missed it" by one day.

Good on Marshall for wanting to show support for a very important cause though.

The Apocalypse is Coming

Brainstorm: Top 10 Signs the Apocalypse is Coming - NFL Version

1. The Chiefs are undefeated.
2. The Steelers are 0-4 for the first time in 45 years.
3. The Browns have won 2 games in a row, are at the "top" of the AFC North. (2nd behind Ravens)
4. Tom Brady is struggling to beat teams by 20 points.
5. Rex Ryan is relatively "thin."
6. Roddy White is stinking it up.
7. Eagles fans cheered for Donovan McNabb and Andy Reid.
8. Despite his best efforts, Shawn still hasn't won a fantasy football game.
9. Meanwhile, Marshall is winning the league.
10. Nikki would rather be outside than watch football.

*Tim Tebow is no longer in the NFL this year...COINCIDENCE?

The GREATEST PHOTOSHOP OF ALL TIME

My boss Lyndsey has been teaching herself Photoshop and trying to boost her skills by practicing on her coworkers. I posted to Facebook a picture of me that she'd edited and asked friends what they thought of it so she could get some constructive criticism. Overall, the reviews were positive, although we agreed that my face had too many shadows removed, leaving it looking a little fake. My friend Shannon, with whom I worked at Loyola, suggested that I ask Lyndsey to Photoshop my head onto Ray Lewis' body. I passed the suggestion along to Lyndsey, and in two minutes, this is the masterpiece that she created:

This picture made me laugh so loudly and so hard at work that I cried at my desk. It's the greatest thing I've ever seen, and it's now my Facebook profile picture.

This Year is the Bills' Year...Or is it?!

I have a friend on Twitter (we bonded over our mutual love of tacos) who is a diehard (as much as possible) Bills fan. I sent him an article about how the much-maligned Kevin Kolb has recently joined my favorite underdog team, and these tweets were his reactions:

Shawn, on the other hand, isn't as my friend about Buffalo's chances of making it to the big game:

"Maybe it is the Bills year. Their year for what, I don’t know but it could indeed be their year. Maybe it’s their year to have more staff infections than the Cleveland Browns? Maybe it’s their year to get the #1 overall draft pick. Maybe it’s their year to throw more interceptions than yards? Who knows!"

Only time will tell if the Bills will return to the Big Show for the first time since I was a tiny child with no knowledge whatsoever of football, only the innate knowledge that the Cowboys were a terrible organization of terrible people and should be rooted against at all costs.

EDIT: One more opinion from Shawn: "My only other thought about this being the Bills' year is that the Super Bowl is NEXT year..." Oh, Shawn, so literal.

"In Oz We Trust" is Becoming a REALLY Stupid Motto This Year

It figures. The first day off Shawn's taken in weeks, and the Ravens drop another huge bomb during free agency. (Well, they haven't actually officially made the announcement yet. Probably trying to find a PR-friendly way to do it.) Now who am I going to rant and rave to?!

The news of which I speak is that special teams player/inside linebacker/gay marriage advocate Brendon Ayanbadejo has been cut by the Ravens. (NOTE: If you are an intelligent, empathetic person, do NOT read the comments. I made that mistake, got to the two ignorant ones about how he's gay for supporting marriage equality, and had to leave my desk because my blood pressure spiked.)

He announced it this morning on his Twitter feed:

Now I learned this news from my friend Zack (more on that later), but it turns out Steve knew as well! He didn't tell me because "I knew you’d flip out." My friend Kelsey ALSO knew, but she didn't tell me because she figured that "if [she] knew then [ I ] probably knew." (Usually a valid assumption to make.) I understand their caution because I'm sitting here writing a blog entry about it, all upset and cranky.

Zack pointed out the confusion that many Ravens fans will feel about this bizarre and shocking move:

"We're already thin at inside linebacker, and the man is a beast on special teams. They weren't paying him a lot, so why do it? Zero sense move. Somehow I knew you would not be pleased [with the news]." (Everyone knows me really well apparently.)

Now, I don't pretend to understand the math involved during free agency with regards to salary caps. I can't give specific stats about why a player should or should not leave. But the terminations of Brendon's and Boldin's contracts just don't make any sense to me, nor do they make sense to a lot of fans in Ravens Nation.

I worry that next year isn't going to be as successful a year as 2012 was...

I'm Such A Forgetful Frannie

I've had these two links in my "drafts" folder for AGES but kept forgetting to post them here. I know it's incredibly late, but here's how my Ravens group got famous during the Super Bowl.

First we were on 9 News: http://www.9news.com/video/2140542795001/1/Watching-Super-Bowl-at-Denver-bar

Then we made it into Westword, Denver's alternative weekly: http://www.westword.com/slideshow/super-bowl-2013-ravens-fans-vs-49ers-fans-38739647/#37

If you look closely in those pictures, you can see me...in WAY too many pictures. Oy. 

Bye-Bye, Mr. Harrison

This free agency season has been a...confusing and frustrating one for members of the AFC North, the Ravens and Steelers in particular. I refuse - REFUSE - to discuss the changes Ravens' General Manager Ozzie Newsome has been making, as I've FINALLY gotten my blood pressure down to normal levels. I'll just say that if I go bald before my wedding because of Ravens personnel-related stress, Oz will have to hire more security.

Okay. So. As you can see from the board above, James Harrison has been cut by the Steelers. As you can see from the screenshot of his Twitter feed, James doesn't talk as...Hulk-esque as Shawn and I make him. Although he COULD have a ghost-writer, so who knows. Rumors are spreading that the Steelers and Harrison may reunite if they can come to an agreement about his salary, but there have also been rumors (which I HOPE TO GOD aren't true) that Ozzie has spoken with him and his agent.

Frankly, Harrison going to the Ravens is a HORRIBLE personnel move, in my opinion. I know that so many players say "Oh, we're enemies on the field, but off the field we don't hate each other, blah blah blah," but James is a dirty player who's injured our players before and has shown no remorse for it. I HIGHLY doubt that the locker room atmosphere wouldn't be tense (to put it mildly). I think James should retire, as he's 35 and has been banged up a lot the last few years. Shawn thinks that another team should sign him as a "two-down, pass-rush specialist." "He can cover, he can stop the run, but the wear and tear might just be too much for a 35-year-old." But will James take a position like that (not a starter)? And will he do it for less money than he thinks he deserves?

A lot of quality veterans and (in our minds) crucial guys from both teams have been traded/cut so far in free agency. Ravens fans are told from birth, "In Oz we trust," but as I told someone on Facebook earlier today, Ozzie Newsome is not a great and powerful wizard who can see through time and make infallible decisions. This may be the year he falls from his emerald tower.

The Most Important Purple Friday of Them All

This is it. The final Purple Friday of the season. Two more sleeps (as T-Sizzle says) until the big game. Two more sleeps until the Ravens fans take over Choppers Sports Bar in Denver and make the walls shake with our cheers. And how are we celebrating? With the best damn Purple Friday around!

First up, my parents:

Here's Mom, rocking her traditional Purple Friday/Game Day outfit.

She's even got her nails all Raven'd up

My daddy just had a full hip replacement and was in the hospital today. Doesn't mean that Mom and I would let him get away with not rockin' the purple! <3

My first office job in Baltimore was at a spring factory in the county. Here are my former coworkers, rockin' the purple! (Front row: Darrell and Steve; from L to R: Tracey, Kelle, Wendy, Kim, Linda, Maria, Mary Ann, and Bonnie)

My co-hostess with the co-mostess for Sunday, Caroline, caw-cawing it up at her office in Denver

College friend Andrew has gone crazy and dyed his hair purple. (The "fu manchu" is left over from last year's playoffs.) He's in enemy territory - SAN FRANCISCO - so he obviously needs to show his pride!

Gordon in Scotland is ready for the big game on Sunday! CAW CAW

I went to get a burrito today from Big City Burrito on campus, and the cashier was a Ravens fan! Stoked I'm not the only one at Anschutz to rock the Ravens!

I posted this at the beginning of the play-offs, before we stomped all over the two best quarterbacks in the league. Looks like MY hope for 2013 came true! (Other hopes: sleep, a clue, money, an early spring, more jigsaw puzzles for the office.)

Should anyone else reading this want to get in on the Purple Friday love, just email me your picture, and I'll add it here. :D

Choppers Sports Grill Representin'

Amy is our usual bartender at Choppers. She's loved us, and we've loved her since week one. Today she's reppin' the Ravens, like any good friend would.

 

 There are many reasons why we love Amy. ;)

 Chris, seen here attempting to photobomb my picture inappropriately, is my "bar boyfriend"

Tailgating Our Way to Victory!

The Ravens fans from all over the world (thanks, Gordon, for letting me be able to say this!) gathered at 10:00am MST on the day of the big game to tailgate in the parking lot of a Baptist church a couple of blocks away from Sports Authority Field at Mile High. (Because blasphemy is the best.) As you already know, the day was gray and cold as a witch's tit (to use an underutilized idiom). That didn't stop us from playing cornhole, blasting some phat beats (including some Baltimore club music), chugging beer and booze, and huddling around the few heaters in the lot for warmth.

Good turn-out! There were even more people than pictured here.

Oh, thermal jackets. How I wish I owned one of you.

Cornhole!

Victory!!

Our "invisible" DJ? ;)

S-s-s-so c-c-c-cold-d-d...

Meatballs, crab cakes, and other hot foods provided by Captn Crabby

The next group of pictures are of some of our fans, getting drunk* and pumped for the game.

*The pregnant lady in this photo is obviously ONLY getting pumped, NOT drunk.

Pictured: Steve (back left), Sarah (front left), and Amy (right)

We're #1!!

One of these things is not like the others...hint: it's the dude in the Ngata jersey instead of the Ray jersey. ;)

My bro James is in the back in the O's hat! <3

Maggie with a COMPLETELY LEGAL beverage in a stylish brown paper bag.

We're a welcoming, open-minded group (except to Steelers fans), so we allowed these Broncos fans to hang out with us.

Reppin' the purple in a sea of orange

The only team that mattered to us that day. <3

Best Friends and Betting

As always, the Ravens are underdogs in their latest game. They're returning once more to Foxboro for another shot at becoming the AFC champions.

While Troy admits that he supports Mr. Lewis as a friend and competitor, he's making a "smart bet" by putting his money on the Patriots. Here's hoping Troy loses his money on Sunday.

Pre-PRE-Game Party - Ravens Fans Edition

Last weekend Ravens fans from all over - Colorado, Utah, Los Angeles, Las Vegas, Maryland, Delaware, Pennsylvania, and Scotland! - met at Stoney's Full Steam Tavern in downtown Denver to party hard. In addition to our usual Denver crew, we had a large contingent of fans fly in from Baltimore through the social group BMORE Around Town. Some of the fans even made it onto ABC 2 News in Baltimore. (My scene was, unfortunately, cut, which is balls, considering putting a girl in a pandahat on television would be AWESOME.) Behold the craziness of some of the best fans on earth.

The front bar, which ended up being PACKED by the end of the night

Small part of the back bar. It was also packed, but mostly with fans from out of town

Gordon, our Scottish superfan, was one of the people who made the news broadcast (obviously!)

 

Speaking of news broadcasts, this is the videographer who filmed an interview I did with ABC 2 News (the video of which I can't find, much to my frustration) about my role in convincing the Baltimore Orioles to make an anti-bullying video for the "It Gets Better" campaign. We thought we recognized each other, but the story was filmed a couple of years ago, and pandahat can be an excellent disguise.

Time to party!!

Steve, my adorable novio (in theory, that shirt is purple; it doesn't show well in the picture)

I have no idea WTF is going on in this picture.

Dave and Caroline, two of our Denver regulars

Rockin' the Joe Flacco jersey from his time at the University of Delaware (Go Blue Hens!)

Hannah is Dave's girlfriend; they actually met through the Ravens group! Here were are showing off our matching Ravens scarves.

Charlie is our youngest member and one of the greatest cornhole players our Denver group has.

For organizing all of our Ravens activities through the seasons, including the AWESOME "home game" weekend, the group present Nicci, a.k.a. "Mama Bird", with a Certificate of Appreciation.

Bill is second-in-command of the Denver group and also received a Certificate of Appreciation.

Here I am congratulating Bill with an awesome selfie.

I was given an award too - a Team Spirit Award for "Most Intense" (although I maintain that I should have been "Loudest" and our friend James "Most Intense")

When they asked me what superlative Steve should get on his Team Spirit Award, I suggested (and it was agreed) that he get "Most Patience."

We had to use Maggie's long(er than mine) arms to take this sweet selfie of us. She and I ALWAYS sit next to each other at the bar during games. We're intense like that.

INFILTRATED BY THE ENEMY!!

WE'RE COMING FOR YOU, NEW ENGLAND!!