Too Much Free Time

For the first time in five years, the Ravens aren't going to the playoffs. Frankly, we didn't deserve to win. We played like shit all year on all sides of the ball (except the Justin Tucker side, a.k.a. "the sexiest side of the ball"), and the fact that Andy Dalton threw FOUR PICKS and STILL got his team the division championship is [expletive deleted] ludicrous. But that was 2013; today is the second day of a shiny new year. A year when we'll hopefully fire (out of a cannon) Michael Oher, the most penalized player in the NFL. (Scroll about 2/3 down to find the stats; I can't direct link to it.) A year when we find a way to create an offensive line that keeps our (overpaid?) quarterback from ending up flat on his back like a high school kid on prom night. A year...sorry, I zoned out there, thinking about how happy I was a year ago. How full of hope and excitement that maybe - just maybe - this would be our year. *sigh* Those days seem like a lifetime ago.

ANYWAY...

I've found myself with an abundance of time this January during Sunday afternoons and evenings. I plan on visiting some places in Colorado I've never been to, maybe catch up on my reading, walk my dog a little bit more. I don't really have any team that I want to go all the way more than others. I'm basically rooting for everyone who plays the Broncos and the Patriots. One and done, baby. That's all I want. Shawn told me that someone had asked him if he'd finally root for the Broncos this year. His reply: "I'd rather root for ball cancer."

Me: "If I had a dollar for every time someone in the Ravens bar screamed, 'Hurry the fuck up, Joe!' at the TV, I could buy a pile of coke the size of this building."

Shawn: "You know who DOES have a dollar for every time someone's yelled that? Joe Flacco."

*rimshot* Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. Goodnight.

Time to UnRAYtire

Ray: "ARRRRGHHH! THIS SEASON IS AWFUL! I'M GONNA UNRETIRE AND TAKE THE TEAM TO THE SUPER BOWL AGAIN!"
Troy: "How so, Mr. Lewis? Do you think you can play on the offensive line this time around?"

Whenever a team is doing poorly, talking heads and fans scramble to find someone to blame. I asked my husband Steve and one of my best friends Zack for their opinions about what's going wrong with the Ravens.

Steve: [Offensive Coordinator Jim Caldwell] keeps calling plays like the offensive line is competent. They were better last game. They finally called some draw plays that I had been screaming for all season, and they worked. They ran the ball to the outside. Joe rolled out to his right sometimes instead of trying to stay in the pocket. Even though the field was a mess and Chicago’s defense is pretty good, it worked. They should have been doing that all season and hopefully they will continue to do it.

Zack: [Offensive Line Coach Andy Moeller] decided to install a new blocking scheme after the old one won us a Super Bowl.  I know there were personnel changes too, but the talent is still there, so I think the o-line coaching is to blame for a lot of our offensive struggles. Well, that combined with [Cam] Cameron-esque play calling, which I can only imagine is the result of Harbaugh telling Caldwell that he wants to run this type of offense.

Apparently, I'm not the only one who thinks Ray Lewis wishes he could go back to the game...

 Not as good as the Madden ads w/him and Paul Rudd though

I Don't Even Know I Can't Even

I want to start off by saying that I OBVIOUSLY should have written this post sooner, like, well before the game instead of well after. But I'd like to blame Shawn (because it's easy) for my slacking, as he was out of the office on Thursday and Friday (I'm sure with a legit reason), so I couldn't really get into a shit-talking mood. Good thing, turns out.

This Ravens - Steelers game was uglier than the population of Pittsburgh. Both sides were awful, but it turns out, the Ravens were more awful. Let's not discuss the on-side kick that was ruined by an offside penalty and by MVP of the Year Justin Tucker touching the damn thing too early then getting SMOKED while he was trying to recover it. (1:22 shows the close-up.) 

Then you have Troy COMPLETELY blowing the timing on a field goal snap. It wasn't his first misread of the game, although it was certainly the most "WTF" to watch. Because he's been spending too much energy trying to read the QB's/snapper's minds, I think he's started living 3 seconds in the future. (That's a thing, right?)

So here's what Shawn wrote as a way of...I don't know...trying to be clever. I spent most of the week in a simmering, art school kid seethe about it. I mean, if you're going to write a parody of a form poem, you need to actually maintain the form (meter, rhyme scheme, etc.). But whatever. The rhyming got better towards the end, and as Shawn said, "YOU try writing something creative in two minutes!" Please see my (unfinished, thanks to a creativity drain at the end of the week) poem at the end of this post. It took me one minute to write.

"Twas the week before the Ravens Steelers game and not a player was stirring, not even a Ryan Clark Twitter posting. The jock straps were tightened with care in hopes that no fumble pile crotch shots would be there. The coaches were nestled all snug in their film rooms with visions of helmet-to-helmet collisions and Troy's flowing hair. When out on the ketchup field arose such a clatter as Brett Keisel's beard shouted, "Whatsa matter?" Joe Flacco sprang from the pocket with a flash to throw another check down to Ray Rice at the hash. Lawrence Timmons screamed, "On Haywood, on Taylor, on Williams and Jones RIP apart these damn Ravens, tear their skin from their bones!"

#Steelers 19 #Ravens 16 FINAL Ah, this is reminiscent of a time not so long ago when the outcome of this game would actually mean something.
— NOTSportsCenter NFL (@NOTSCNFL) October 20, 2013

Nikki's Poem
Twas the night before game day
and all through the streets,
not a person was shit-talking,
not even Ryan Clark's tweets.

Terrible Towels
were strung far and wide
so crying Steelers fans
had somewhere to hide.

The Ravens were sleeping
all snug in their nest,
dreaming of last year
when they were the best.

Perhaps I'll finish writing this poem for the Thanksgiving Night game...WHICH I'LL BE ATTENDING AT HOME IN BALTIMORE BECAUSE MY DADDY GOT ME TICKETS!!!!!!...but we'll see.

The Apocalypse is Coming

Brainstorm: Top 10 Signs the Apocalypse is Coming - NFL Version

1. The Chiefs are undefeated.
2. The Steelers are 0-4 for the first time in 45 years.
3. The Browns have won 2 games in a row, are at the "top" of the AFC North. (2nd behind Ravens)
4. Tom Brady is struggling to beat teams by 20 points.
5. Rex Ryan is relatively "thin."
6. Roddy White is stinking it up.
7. Eagles fans cheered for Donovan McNabb and Andy Reid.
8. Despite his best efforts, Shawn still hasn't won a fantasy football game.
9. Meanwhile, Marshall is winning the league.
10. Nikki would rather be outside than watch football.

*Tim Tebow is no longer in the NFL this year...COINCIDENCE?

James Harrison: Man of Many Emotions

We all know that James Harrison isn't right in the head. (Note: this is a mostly satirical piece. Although that pic at the top is AWESOME.) His teammates and colleagues around the league all know it. You know it; I know it. The internet especially knows it. Here are two memes I've found about him that I love.

Tee shirt that I NEED to own based on an actual photo of Harrison

Relevant to yesterday's entry

But then Shawn sent me a beautiful video that shows the softer side of James and reveals that he's actually a human being that can feel emotions and make real connections with other humans.

His quiet, "I miss him" pretty much broke my little bleeding heart.

AFC North: A Clusterf*ck of a Division

The first week of NFL football was a complete wreck, at least for fans of the teams of the AFC North. The Ravens were CLOBBERED by the Broncos. I was at that game, and all I could do was laugh. Nothing was going right for us, and Peyton and his receivers were throwing the ball over our defense like they were eighth graders, and our guys were fifth graders. Mile High was a dangerous and hostile place to be if you weren't a Broncos fan.

I was able to take solace in one beautiful fact though: while the Ravens lost to a future hall-of-famer, the Steelers lost to the TENNESSEE TITANS at their home stadium in Pittsburgh! They also lost four of their starters to injuries. It was basically a banner day for a loser who's less of a loser than other losers.

"In Oz We Trust" is Becoming a REALLY Stupid Motto This Year

It figures. The first day off Shawn's taken in weeks, and the Ravens drop another huge bomb during free agency. (Well, they haven't actually officially made the announcement yet. Probably trying to find a PR-friendly way to do it.) Now who am I going to rant and rave to?!

The news of which I speak is that special teams player/inside linebacker/gay marriage advocate Brendon Ayanbadejo has been cut by the Ravens. (NOTE: If you are an intelligent, empathetic person, do NOT read the comments. I made that mistake, got to the two ignorant ones about how he's gay for supporting marriage equality, and had to leave my desk because my blood pressure spiked.)

He announced it this morning on his Twitter feed:

Now I learned this news from my friend Zack (more on that later), but it turns out Steve knew as well! He didn't tell me because "I knew you’d flip out." My friend Kelsey ALSO knew, but she didn't tell me because she figured that "if [she] knew then [ I ] probably knew." (Usually a valid assumption to make.) I understand their caution because I'm sitting here writing a blog entry about it, all upset and cranky.

Zack pointed out the confusion that many Ravens fans will feel about this bizarre and shocking move:

"We're already thin at inside linebacker, and the man is a beast on special teams. They weren't paying him a lot, so why do it? Zero sense move. Somehow I knew you would not be pleased [with the news]." (Everyone knows me really well apparently.)

Now, I don't pretend to understand the math involved during free agency with regards to salary caps. I can't give specific stats about why a player should or should not leave. But the terminations of Brendon's and Boldin's contracts just don't make any sense to me, nor do they make sense to a lot of fans in Ravens Nation.

I worry that next year isn't going to be as successful a year as 2012 was...

Bye-Bye, Mr. Harrison

This free agency season has been a...confusing and frustrating one for members of the AFC North, the Ravens and Steelers in particular. I refuse - REFUSE - to discuss the changes Ravens' General Manager Ozzie Newsome has been making, as I've FINALLY gotten my blood pressure down to normal levels. I'll just say that if I go bald before my wedding because of Ravens personnel-related stress, Oz will have to hire more security.

Okay. So. As you can see from the board above, James Harrison has been cut by the Steelers. As you can see from the screenshot of his Twitter feed, James doesn't talk as...Hulk-esque as Shawn and I make him. Although he COULD have a ghost-writer, so who knows. Rumors are spreading that the Steelers and Harrison may reunite if they can come to an agreement about his salary, but there have also been rumors (which I HOPE TO GOD aren't true) that Ozzie has spoken with him and his agent.

Frankly, Harrison going to the Ravens is a HORRIBLE personnel move, in my opinion. I know that so many players say "Oh, we're enemies on the field, but off the field we don't hate each other, blah blah blah," but James is a dirty player who's injured our players before and has shown no remorse for it. I HIGHLY doubt that the locker room atmosphere wouldn't be tense (to put it mildly). I think James should retire, as he's 35 and has been banged up a lot the last few years. Shawn thinks that another team should sign him as a "two-down, pass-rush specialist." "He can cover, he can stop the run, but the wear and tear might just be too much for a 35-year-old." But will James take a position like that (not a starter)? And will he do it for less money than he thinks he deserves?

A lot of quality veterans and (in our minds) crucial guys from both teams have been traded/cut so far in free agency. Ravens fans are told from birth, "In Oz we trust," but as I told someone on Facebook earlier today, Ozzie Newsome is not a great and powerful wizard who can see through time and make infallible decisions. This may be the year he falls from his emerald tower.

The Future of RvT

Shawn and I have been discussing for several weeks what to do with the blog now that Ray Lewis is officially retired. While he'll no longer be playing for the Ravens, he'll obviously still remain close to the players and personnel in the organization, and he'll stay in the national spotlight as a commentator for ESPN. It'll be weird to watch the Ravens defend the championship next year without him.

On the flip side, Troy is getting older too, and is hurt more often than not it seems. We haven't heard any rumors of him leaving, but the Steelers are over their salary cap (so far) for 2013, and he could be one of the veterans let go to make way for younger, cheaper players.

Shawn thinks we should retire the blog. It wouldn't be the same without the two-veteran dynamic. Who would we have replace Ray Lewis?! Little Ray would help us keep the blog's name intact, but he's not much of a shit-talker; he's about as nice as Troy is, but since he's younger, he's cockier. We could use T-Sizzle, who would have the same sort of energy that Ray brought to the blog, but it's less believable that he and Troy would "hang out" outside of games.

I'm so attached to this blog though! We've only had it going for a year, and I feel like it still hasn't reached its full potential. Then again.......

The Ravens won the Super Bowl. Ray Lewis was able to retire from the NFL in style and in victory. Perhaps this blog's story has come full circle? Maybe instead of focusing on the Steelers and the Ravens, Shawn and I could do topical conversations with various NFL players and coaches?

If anyone has any ideas, I'd sure love to hear them. I'll fill the rest of this week catching up on Super Bowl pics and news. (The Ravens group's celebration was featured in both local alt weekly Westword and on 9 News!) After that......

Worst Way to Get into the Playoffs EVER

While the Ravens need to win the game against the Giants today in order to clinch the division, they're already in the playoffs thanks to Tony Romo miraculously coming through in a clutch situation and beating Pittsburgh in overtime. I was lucky enough not to watch any more than the first half of the abominable game against the Broncos, but it was obviously fury-making for the fans

Ding Dong Cam Cameron's Gone

John Harbaugh fired Offensive Coordinator Cam Cameron today, and lo, there was much rejoicing. Sunday's play calling against the Redskins was infuriating for fans, and apparently, for players and coaches on the sidelines. It's like something doesn't fire in Cam's brain on third downs, so we end up making stupid plays. We don't run Ray Rice when it's obvious the opponent's D can't control him, & his INSISTENCE on having Michael Oher play LT instead of the blind side - LIKE HE DID IN THE DAMN BOOK AND MOVIE ABOUT HIS LIFE - has been frustrating.

Since Cam joined the Ravens, we always gone almost all the way to "The Big Game"....almost. But now that Baltimore is without its favorite whipping boy, what will our excuse be if Jim Caldwell can't step us and make the offense much, much better? Firing the OC this late in the season is a risky move, but something had to be done. If only it had happened much sooner.

Best comment by a fan on an online forum:

“I’ll drive him to the airport.”

“Pull over 20 yards short of the drop off point and call a running play.”

Rookie of the Year

So.....we're gonna lose today. We have NO defense. RG3 is a beast. It's FREEZING in the bar. (Thank God for pandahat!) My only hope is that the Steelers choke so I'm not the ONLY miserable one tomorrow.

 

UPDATE 12/10/12: I hate being right. :(

Seriously?

The last Ravens - Steelers game of the regular season was a cluster-eff on both sides of the ball and the sidelines. Whether I was drinking heavily because of John Harbaugh's utter inability to manage the clock properly in the second half, because of Joe Flacco's inability to THROW THE BALL AWAY TO THE SIDELINE INSTEAD OF TO A STEELERS RECEIVER when pressure is on, or because Paul Kruger got a damn roughing-the-passer penalty just in time to let the Steelers win by a field goal in regulation, I was drinking heavily. Also, Audra was in town. Also, my body reminded me yesterday that I am 29 now and therefore can no longer drink like I'm 21.

This is all not to say that the Steelers looked like an elite team. For example, this happened:

Via the HuffPo

And this happened:

Via Outside the Boxscore

But at the end of the day, third-string QB Charlie Batch got to cry with joy (and shock, probably) into Big Ben's pillowy bosom because HE had won the game against the Ravens IN THEIR HOUSE against all the odds put up against him.

Needless to say, I don't remember much about Sunday evening. :p

Shut Up.

Much can be said about the Cleveland Browns, most of which I've already ranted about in this blog. However, they were lucky enough to play against the Steelers' third-string quarterback Charlie "Cluster-F" Batch last Sunday, so they were able to eke out a win. (20-14) I couldn't talk *too* much shit, as I hadn't watched their game OR ours, due to my being in an awesome play. Luckily, our colleague Jan, the lonely Browns fan in our midst, was able to step up and cheer (for once).

School name and Shawn's last name blacked-out to protect the innocent. ;p

Shawn and I discussed the Steelers' chances of making the playoffs. Here's Shawn's take:

"Our season isn't over just yet. At 6-6 we actually are in control of one of the wild card spots. Winning out against Bmore, Cincy, Cleveland, and Dallas has us in the playoffs. If we can do so AND get some of our guys back healthy, we will be as dangerous as anyone in the playoffs."(edited for capitalization)

And here's my take:

"I always forget how the stupid wildcard spots work. Usually around this point in the season, everyone's all 'If the Steelers beat this team and that team loses to this other team and the moon is in alignment with Aquarius after Lindsay Lohan has her third DUI in three weeks, then the Steelers will get to be the wild card in the AFC and play at this stadium. HOWEVER, if the Steelers beat this team, and that team WINS against this other team and I forget to tie my shoes on Monday morning because my dog had to go to the bathroom, then the Steelers will fall into a dark abyss in the middle of their last game, much like they did in that Batman movie.' The statistics and math in sports is some of the most ridiculous, confusing stuff I have to deal with as a fan."

Another One Bites the Dust

...Alternative title, based on James's contribution to the conversation: "Forever Alone."

Big Ben joins a new gentlemen's association that I like to call The Sideliners Club. After squeaking out a win in overtime against the Kansas City Chiefs, it was revealed that Big Ben's shoulder injury is more serious than everyone previously thought. While I dislike when any player gets injured, I'm pretty stoked about this one, I have to say. After all, the Ravens do SIGNIFICANTLY better against the Steelers when they're playing a back-up quarterback, and considering the stressful year we're having, I could use a relatively easy Ravens-Steelers match-up next week.

Injured Ravens Players

1. Lardarius Webb, arguably one of the best guys we have on defense off the line
2. Ray Lewis, the "heart and soul" of the team, although he'd been slowing up as his age caught up to him
3. Bobby Rainey showed some real talent as Ray Rice's back-up/mini-me

Injured Steelers Players

1. Antonio Brown
2. Rashard Mendenhall
3. Troy Polamalu
4. Let's be real...ever since coming back, James Harrison hasn't been performing the same as before his injury (although I'd never tell HIM that!)

It'll be interesting to see how next Sunday night's match-up between these two bitter rivals will go. All I can say definitively is that I will be severely hung over come Monday morning.

PS: I'm just gonna leave this hilarious comic strip of love right here: http://www.midwestsportsfans.com/2011/02/photo-story-the-ballad-of-bathroom-ben-roethlisberger/

Your Team is Bad, and You Should Feel Bad

The Cleveland Browns are the biggest joke in the NFL. I'm pretty sure that even when the Lions had their "perfect season" where they didn't win a single game, they wrote it off as a fluke and told themselves, "Hey, man, at least we're not the Browns."

Browns fans are GREAT at holding a grudge for decades. Like Baltimore Colts fans, Cleveland fans are STILL angry that their team abandoned them, being sold to Baltimore under a new name and eventually winning a Super Bowl a few years later. When the Browns reformed, they just...they weren't the same anymore. (For a more detailed history of the Browns and why they're awful, go to Google.) Their fans - the "dawg pound" - started wearing bags over their heads at games. Games were blacked out IN THEIR OWN CITY. (When the Ravens-Texas game was taken off CBS's national coverage and switched to another game, I drunkenly moaned, "Now I know how Browns fans feel!")

It's bad enough that the city of Cleveland doesn't really have anything going for it, as illustrated by this silly (and catchy) "travel ad":

And this follow-up to the above "Cleveland travel ad":

So yeah. As you can see, no one likes Cleveland. And the fans have really started to give up hope. A Buzzfeed contributor wrote this article, showing how pathetic the most recent Browns game was, using .gifs to illustrate his pain. (The whiffed extra point is my favorite.)

In conclusion, I'm sorry to any Browns fans out there that read this blog. I'm sorry to residents (and former residents) of Cleveland who may be offended. Y'all are an easy target, and here I am, mercilessly kicking you when you're down. But honestly, after the way the Ravens played against the Texans, I need a Charlie Brown to make me feel better about my miserable team.

The Five Stages of Grief: Denial

Anyone who saw Sunday's Ravens game against the Texans knows not to mention the game to Ravens fans. It was...I don't want to say "indescribably bad," because I CAN describe how bad it was, just not in words that can be used in polite company. I'll just say that I got MUCH drunker than I had intended to (ended up snoozing in my car in the bar's parking lot) and took my glasses off after the second quarter. (I need them to see the TV from my perch 10 feet away.)

Fuzzy-eyed, despondent, and furious after my phone died and I could no longer tweet my frustrations (plus, I'm a belligerent drunk), I felt only a sliver of the negative emotions the players must have felt when they realized that their game was absolutely FUBAR.

Torrey Smith understands my pain (Source)

Imagine being Ray Lewis! He just had surgery and couldn't fly with his team to cheer and coach from the sideline. He's getting on in years, and he knows he isn't playing his best anymore. This year could be his last shot at getting a second Super Bowl ring to adorn his manly hands. Despite the rough beginning to this season, his team is still 5-1, and Sizzle, the explosive soul of the team, is back! Ray knows the Ravens might not win, but he still expects a good, hard-fought, close game.

Then THAT happened.

Who can blame Ray for denying that their game against the Texans ever happened? Certainly not Troy; he's too polite to push the subject any further. Certainly not James; he's too brain dead from years of hard, mostly-illegal hits. I'm surprised he can still speak. The only comforts the Ravens can take to bed with them at night are that they're still #1 in the AFC North, and...at least they're not the Browns.

Ray's Fantasy

Everyone I know, it seems, is involved in some kind of fantasy football league. Friends on Twitter, friends on Facebook, and even people at work. I, however, am disinterested in fantasy football. Takes too much effort. I'd much rather just throw in some money and bet on the play-off games like I did last year at work.

Here's an email exchange that all the participants of said play-off pool got to read as the stakes rose higher and higher. [SPOILER ALERT: Neither Shawn nor I won, although I got waaaaay more points than he did. (He only got 8/40 points.)]

Shawn: [administrator of the pool] "Hello everyone! Just a reminder to send me your picks today before you miss out and wind up tied with me like Tim. I know that since the Broncos have shown their true color it’s probably a little less interesting but we can all root against the Ravens can’t we? Good luck

Me: "Speaking of rooting against the Ravens, Shawn, some miscreant defaced your white board again. A handwriting analysis will clear my good name, but I think it’s just *shameful* that someone would take advantage of the fact that you’re out all day to rub in your face that your team is sitting at home during this exciting play-offs time. Happy Purple Friday everyone! :D"

Linda:
 

"Hmmm. Suspicious"

Shawn: "One would think that here at the Colorado School of [redacted] we would be better at recognizing mental disorders. Especially such obvious ones as those that start with being a Ravens fan."

Rob: [participant in the play-off pool] "They have discovered a new disorder here in Psychiatry just this week called 8outof40pointsitis.  Caused by over confidence and delusion."
Later, after a crushing Ravens loss....
Shawn:

"That damn vandal is back and causing trouble..."

It Could Always Be Worse...

In case his handwriting is incomprehensible for you, here's the transcript:

Ray: "HEY TROY! I'm feeling blue because of our loss on Friday. Could you cheer me up please?"
Troy: "Mr. Lewis, I'm sorry to hear about the loss. I find that in times like this it is best to remember it could be worse. You could be a Jet."