Ravens vs lolJets

Troy: "Mr. Lewis, It's a big week for our division! 3 teams have a shot at a wild card and 1 week from now, likely only 1 team will be left in that race. Which team do you think it will be?"
Ray: "TROY, LOYALTY MAKES ME WANNA SAY THE RAVENS, BUT WE BOTH KNOW THAT MIGHT NOT HAPPEN. THE SMART MONEY SAYS MY SON RAY III AND I WILL WIN IN A HUGE UPSET!"

I'm trying to take this season one game at a time, which is the only way I can prevent myself from becoming an alcoholic one day a week. (There's a reason I barely drink in the off-season. Friends like to tell other people who don't know me that I'm regenerating my liver between the Super Bowl and the pre-season.) I had a good reason to believe that the Ravens would beat the Jets, mainly because...well...they're the Jets. But the "any given Sunday" rule has been applying more and more this season, so I'll admit that I went into the bar with some trepidation.

Our offense was playing pretty well (relatively speaking), so I found myself actually staying sober, which was a nice change of pace. Ed Reed, however, seemed like he had some kind of vendetta against his old team members, which isn't surprising. He's Ed Reed; he always has a chip on his shoulder.

Jets S Ed Reed levels Ravens WR Jacoby Jones (GIF) http://t.co/9s9DcjZwX1
— ZombieProphet (@ZProphet_MMA) November 24, 2013

You could practically feel Jacoby's pain when Ed laid him out in the end zone.

WATCH Jacoby Jones' 66-yard touchdown catch over Ed Reed! | http://t.co/OwthjkP8u1 pic.twitter.com/rRMB3S8FMf
— Baltimore Ravens (@Ravens) November 24, 2013

But Jacoby got back at Ed by SMOKING him for a 66-yard touchdown later in the game!

Watch @TheRealJacoby12's first TD dance of the season, a nod to @DancingABC! VIDEO | http://t.co/Ivc9oXkiWO
— Baltimore Ravens (@Ravens) November 25, 2013

Then he did a dance inspired by his time on Dancing with the Stars. (His shit-eating grin after the first replay is my favorite part of the whole video.)

After the game, Ed Reed spoke to the press about how he thought the game went:

“Ed Reed: ‘It was a great football game and we had some fun.’ OK, Ed. If you say so.”

—@BrianCoz, Jets beat man Brian Costello of the New York Post, relaying one of the Bizarre Quotes of the Season from a football player. The Jets were embarrassed in Baltimore, their quarterback performed like a person stepping on a football field for the first time, they played haplessly for the second straight week, and they fell into the mire of AFC playoff mediocrity after holding a wild-card spot for the last three weeks.

(Via Monday Morning Quarterback)

I leave you now with an incredible fact about dreamy Ravens kicker and future 2013 team MVP Justin Tucker (seen in that video being badass as hell):

Justin Tucker, kicker, Baltimore. On a frigid day (20 degrees wind chill) kicking in a 26-mph crosswind, Tucker, the most efficient kicker in NFL history (minimum 50 made field goals) converted on field goals from 30, 26, 33 and 53 yards in the 19-3 rout of the woeful Jets. For his career, the University of Texas kicker is 54 of 59, a conversion rate of 91.5%.
(Via Monday Morning Quarterback)

Pathetic Rivalries

Ray vs. Sylvester

Sylvester the Cat: "Sssufferin' sssucatash, Ray. When you ssspeak to sssomeone you need to ssswallow your ssspit first."

Ray Rice, not a cat: "Ssseriously Sssylvestor, I know that! The media'sss just got to make up these ssspitting ssstories to ssstir up trouble!"

I know that the Browns have been doing bizarrely well this season at being a legitimate professional football team, so perhaps it's time to take them seriously. However, I refuse to do so. I just...I can't live in a world where the Browns are contenders for at least second place in the AFC North.

Historically speaking, the Browns have tried to start legit rivalries with the other teams in the AFC North, even though we've all viewed them as the significantly-younger brother who annoys you because he wants to be just like you, but you can't be mean to them because it's just not worth it, and anyway, your mom will get mad at you.

"Let go, Brandon. You're not allowed to come to the Championship with me. I told you that."

They're "rivals" with Cincy because they're both in Ohio. Shawn: "[The Bengals] are a Carson Palmer knee away from being relevant."

They're "rivals" with the Steelers because, according to Shawn, the Browns used to be really good when they were *actually* the Browns. (See below.) But once the Browns moved to Baltimore and stopped being relevant, the Browns "had nothing to live for, so they held onto the rivalry as tightly as they could." (Again, Shawn.)

The only real rivalry they can claim in the AFC North is with Baltimore. Long story short, the Browns' former owner Art Modell decided that if Cleveland didn't want to pay for the team (which used to be good) to have a decent stadium, he was going to take them elsewhere. 

That "elsewhere" was Baltimore.

Some of the fans didn't take it as well as others did.

I'm not going to link to the story because if you're a fan of professional football, you should know about this, as it was a pretty big deal. (Like how the Baltimore Colts snuck out of Baltimore in the middle of the night in a damn Mayflower moving van. If you don't know that story either, go make Google your new bff.)

After our teams' week two game, the media lost its collective mind and ran everywhere with a story that Ray Rice purposely spit on Browns' nose tackle Phil Taylor during an altercation. The frenzy eventually died down, but now that the two teams are meeting up again this Sunday, the "scandal" has once again been brought to the forefront. Ray said that he had his mouthpiece in while was jawing at Taylor, so any spit that may have landed on Taylor was an unintentional consequence. Let's maybe step this up a bit, folks. We can do better than "your guy spit on our guy!!"

How Very Unlike You, Troy

Crudely-Drawn Steelers Coach Mike Tomlin: "Polamalu! What the hell was that ridiculously early jump last night? [Sunday's late game] It's unlike you! Do you need a concussion test?!"
Crudely-Drawn Troy Polamalu: "Coach, please remember that this is a game. We are lucky to be part of it and should enjoy doing it. I enjoy jumping over the o-line. What do you enjoy?"
C-DSCMT: "Not getting penalties."
C-DTP: "Oh...


Non-supportive Husband Steve: "Why don't you have pictures of them instead of drawings?"
Me: "Because I didn't have the time to Google image search appropriate pictures of the two of them, print them out, cut them to an appropriate size, and then put them on the white board."
Supportive Husband Steve: "The drawings look nice."

I Don't Even Know I Can't Even

I want to start off by saying that I OBVIOUSLY should have written this post sooner, like, well before the game instead of well after. But I'd like to blame Shawn (because it's easy) for my slacking, as he was out of the office on Thursday and Friday (I'm sure with a legit reason), so I couldn't really get into a shit-talking mood. Good thing, turns out.

This Ravens - Steelers game was uglier than the population of Pittsburgh. Both sides were awful, but it turns out, the Ravens were more awful. Let's not discuss the on-side kick that was ruined by an offside penalty and by MVP of the Year Justin Tucker touching the damn thing too early then getting SMOKED while he was trying to recover it. (1:22 shows the close-up.) 

Then you have Troy COMPLETELY blowing the timing on a field goal snap. It wasn't his first misread of the game, although it was certainly the most "WTF" to watch. Because he's been spending too much energy trying to read the QB's/snapper's minds, I think he's started living 3 seconds in the future. (That's a thing, right?)

So here's what Shawn wrote as a way of...I don't know...trying to be clever. I spent most of the week in a simmering, art school kid seethe about it. I mean, if you're going to write a parody of a form poem, you need to actually maintain the form (meter, rhyme scheme, etc.). But whatever. The rhyming got better towards the end, and as Shawn said, "YOU try writing something creative in two minutes!" Please see my (unfinished, thanks to a creativity drain at the end of the week) poem at the end of this post. It took me one minute to write.

"Twas the week before the Ravens Steelers game and not a player was stirring, not even a Ryan Clark Twitter posting. The jock straps were tightened with care in hopes that no fumble pile crotch shots would be there. The coaches were nestled all snug in their film rooms with visions of helmet-to-helmet collisions and Troy's flowing hair. When out on the ketchup field arose such a clatter as Brett Keisel's beard shouted, "Whatsa matter?" Joe Flacco sprang from the pocket with a flash to throw another check down to Ray Rice at the hash. Lawrence Timmons screamed, "On Haywood, on Taylor, on Williams and Jones RIP apart these damn Ravens, tear their skin from their bones!"

#Steelers 19 #Ravens 16 FINAL Ah, this is reminiscent of a time not so long ago when the outcome of this game would actually mean something.
— NOTSportsCenter NFL (@NOTSCNFL) October 20, 2013

Nikki's Poem
Twas the night before game day
and all through the streets,
not a person was shit-talking,
not even Ryan Clark's tweets.

Terrible Towels
were strung far and wide
so crying Steelers fans
had somewhere to hide.

The Ravens were sleeping
all snug in their nest,
dreaming of last year
when they were the best.

Perhaps I'll finish writing this poem for the Thanksgiving Night game...WHICH I'LL BE ATTENDING AT HOME IN BALTIMORE BECAUSE MY DADDY GOT ME TICKETS!!!!!!...but we'll see.

James Smash Ben!

 

Big Ben: "AW MAAAAN! I gotta play HARRISON ON MONDAY? I'm gonna die!"

James Harrison, defying gravity: "BenGAl KITeY has cLAwS! bENgal sMaSH!"

Troy: "You see, Ben, when chance meets opportunity, opportunity should run for the sideline."

Ray, handsome as always: "YO! HOW DO MY TEETH LOOK ON TV?"

RvT has an all-new look! In that Ray's no longer in uniform, and I have multiple pictures I plan on using for Troy. This is his "One does not simply walk into Mordor" expression for when he gives advice.

Shawn's take on our characters' reactions to Ben's lament isn't quite what I had in mind, but it's probably much better. My idea was just to have everyone tell Ben he was going to die. :p

The Bengals beat the Steelers, although since I was watching Dollhouse on Netflix, I don't know what the final score was. I could Google it, but it's late, and I want to go to bed. I'll have another entry tomorrow morning anyway, so I'll save some other material for then. For now, I'll drift off to sleep and dream of laughing at Shawn because his team is 0-2 and huddled with the Browns at the bottom of the AFC North.

Nikki Post: GOOD NEEEWWWWWS, Everyone!

Oh, what's that? Someone's got tickets to see the RUMBLE OF THE SEASON ON THANKSGIVING DAY??!?!? While other suckers will be eating turkey and watching the Cowboys and Lions lose on Thanksgiving, husband (yay! I'm married now!) Steve and I are going to the game! My daddy has been working for MONTHS to get these tickets. When he finally did, I made the mistake of asking him how he got them. Daddy reminded me that I shouldn't ask questions about such things. It's the number one rule for Italian men: don't ask questions if you're not willing to perjure yourself about the answers.

This is the best wedding present EVER.

AFC North: A Clusterf*ck of a Division

The first week of NFL football was a complete wreck, at least for fans of the teams of the AFC North. The Ravens were CLOBBERED by the Broncos. I was at that game, and all I could do was laugh. Nothing was going right for us, and Peyton and his receivers were throwing the ball over our defense like they were eighth graders, and our guys were fifth graders. Mile High was a dangerous and hostile place to be if you weren't a Broncos fan.

I was able to take solace in one beautiful fact though: while the Ravens lost to a future hall-of-famer, the Steelers lost to the TENNESSEE TITANS at their home stadium in Pittsburgh! They also lost four of their starters to injuries. It was basically a banner day for a loser who's less of a loser than other losers.

Nikki Post: #LOLjets, Pre-season Preview

While Gang Green beat the Giants in OT (BILLY CUNDIFF, of all people, made the game-winning FG), Head Coach Rex "Coach Fatty" Ryan chose to put presumed-starter Mark "Uh Oh Hotdog" Sanchez in as QB in the fourth quarter...behind the barely-third-string offensive line players. In a sack that literally made me yell in sympathy pain, Sanchez got SMASHED between two Giants D-men and left the game with what is speculated to be a very severe shoulder injury. The press corps, sportscasters, and fans of all kinds are wondering just WTF Rex was thinking. When the NY media (a blood-thirsty bunch, to be fair) asked him about it in the post-game presser, Rex basically lost his damn mind. Twitter obviously exploded. I made a Storify blog entry by pulling some of my favorite tweets about the Jets game tonight.

Neither of Them is Necessarily Wrong

I'm fairly certain that I've hated on the Orioles, Baltimore's often disappointing baseball team, on this blog before. They're awful, historically speaking, and sometimes to a painfully laughable level. They proved me mostly wrong last year by getting their shit together and making the playoffs, and even though they didn't go that deep into the post-season, this glimmer of hope and promise gave the good fans in Baltimore something to cheer about. The team brought back the "Orioles Magic" that so many people had been waiting for thirty years to visit the city once again. They're having an up-and-down start to the season this year. (Check out their losing streak numbers, then read about how Chris Davis is a friggin' BEAST in a variety of ways.) The fans are remaining loyal though, coming to the game in (relative) droves and still talking about how "this year is OUR year." However, the Orioles management has gotten into hot water for completely dicking up something even MORE important to the Baltimore sports fans:

They refuse to reschedule a game that coincides with what would be opening day for the Ravens. Seriously. The REIGNING SUPER BOWL CHAMPIONS are going to start their year ON THE ROAD in Denver. (Which means that when I get (probably insanely expensive) tickets to this game, I might actually be assaulted.) I'm not sure if this problem has arisen in other cities, so I can't say if it's that big a deal elsewhere, but Camden Yards and M&T Bank Stadium are in the same spot, essentially. They practically share a parking lot. So rescheduling was crucial for TWO reasons: 1) to save people the wrenching task of choosing between their two beloved teams as to which they'll watch; and 2) to save people from the clusterfuck that would be the traffic/parking/bar hopping situation.

The city is split into two camps: those who think that the Orioles are being dicks, and those who think that the Ravens are being bullies to the MLB. While the latter camp's arguments are sound, I'm firmly in the first "This is crap" camp because I obviously like football MUCH better than I do baseball.

I'm not the only one who is disappointed in the Orioles. Jets' head coach, former Ravens defensive coordinator, well-known sandwich-lover, and foot fetishist Rex Ryan had this to say about the controversy:

“I understand the Orioles are playing a game at home. Well, who really cares? You’ve got 81 of them things at home and maybe you could’ve done the right thing and given one up and played 82 on the road and 80 at home. I really don’t think people are going to care about that game. You have a chance to have the defending world champs open the season at home where they rightfully should. I think that’s unfortunate.” (Source)

In a hilarious burn, Orioles' head coach Buck Showalter had this to say:

“I think I’d be a little more concerned about Nov. 24 when the Jets come here and try to figure out a way to beat the Ravens, wouldn’t you?”

Choppers Sports Grill Representin'

Amy is our usual bartender at Choppers. She's loved us, and we've loved her since week one. Today she's reppin' the Ravens, like any good friend would.

 

 There are many reasons why we love Amy. ;)

 Chris, seen here attempting to photobomb my picture inappropriately, is my "bar boyfriend"

Tailgating Our Way to Victory!

The Ravens fans from all over the world (thanks, Gordon, for letting me be able to say this!) gathered at 10:00am MST on the day of the big game to tailgate in the parking lot of a Baptist church a couple of blocks away from Sports Authority Field at Mile High. (Because blasphemy is the best.) As you already know, the day was gray and cold as a witch's tit (to use an underutilized idiom). That didn't stop us from playing cornhole, blasting some phat beats (including some Baltimore club music), chugging beer and booze, and huddling around the few heaters in the lot for warmth.

Good turn-out! There were even more people than pictured here.

Oh, thermal jackets. How I wish I owned one of you.

Cornhole!

Victory!!

Our "invisible" DJ? ;)

S-s-s-so c-c-c-cold-d-d...

Meatballs, crab cakes, and other hot foods provided by Captn Crabby

The next group of pictures are of some of our fans, getting drunk* and pumped for the game.

*The pregnant lady in this photo is obviously ONLY getting pumped, NOT drunk.

Pictured: Steve (back left), Sarah (front left), and Amy (right)

We're #1!!

One of these things is not like the others...hint: it's the dude in the Ngata jersey instead of the Ray jersey. ;)

My bro James is in the back in the O's hat! <3

Maggie with a COMPLETELY LEGAL beverage in a stylish brown paper bag.

We're a welcoming, open-minded group (except to Steelers fans), so we allowed these Broncos fans to hang out with us.

Reppin' the purple in a sea of orange

The only team that mattered to us that day. <3

An Important Message from the Baltimore City Police Department

My friend Kelsey lives and works in some sketch parts of Baltimore, so she receives email alerts from the po-po whenever something goes down in her selected hoods. This video arrived through that official email service the other day, and I've been saving it for today.

Shawn told me I'm (once again) the only one who put any faith in the Ravens to win this game. Fingers crossed my faith is rewarded.

Defeating Mr. Bundchen

Me: "How do you spell Gisele's last name?
Steve: "I don't know because I don't care."

After last year's GLORIOUS Super Bowl loss, Tom Brady's wife Gisele gave some hecklers a piece of her mind about Hubby's team mates' skills...or rather, lack thereof. Brady quickly lost ANY cred he may have once possessed, as he now looked like a whiny Pee-Wee footballer whose helicopter mommy swooped in to yell at the coach and the other kids' parents.

Sorry this post is out of order chronologically. (It should have been posted on Monday after the Ravens' win in Denver.) I found it on my phone while posting something else online, and after checking my post list for the blog, realized it'd been omitted.

EDIT: The geniuses at the Ravens sub-Reddit came up with this great drinking game for today!! Follow the rules all the way to the emergency room.

Best Friends and Betting

As always, the Ravens are underdogs in their latest game. They're returning once more to Foxboro for another shot at becoming the AFC champions.

While Troy admits that he supports Mr. Lewis as a friend and competitor, he's making a "smart bet" by putting his money on the Patriots. Here's hoping Troy loses his money on Sunday.

Pre-PRE-Game Party - Ravens Fans Edition

Last weekend Ravens fans from all over - Colorado, Utah, Los Angeles, Las Vegas, Maryland, Delaware, Pennsylvania, and Scotland! - met at Stoney's Full Steam Tavern in downtown Denver to party hard. In addition to our usual Denver crew, we had a large contingent of fans fly in from Baltimore through the social group BMORE Around Town. Some of the fans even made it onto ABC 2 News in Baltimore. (My scene was, unfortunately, cut, which is balls, considering putting a girl in a pandahat on television would be AWESOME.) Behold the craziness of some of the best fans on earth.

The front bar, which ended up being PACKED by the end of the night

Small part of the back bar. It was also packed, but mostly with fans from out of town

Gordon, our Scottish superfan, was one of the people who made the news broadcast (obviously!)

 

Speaking of news broadcasts, this is the videographer who filmed an interview I did with ABC 2 News (the video of which I can't find, much to my frustration) about my role in convincing the Baltimore Orioles to make an anti-bullying video for the "It Gets Better" campaign. We thought we recognized each other, but the story was filmed a couple of years ago, and pandahat can be an excellent disguise.

Time to party!!

Steve, my adorable novio (in theory, that shirt is purple; it doesn't show well in the picture)

I have no idea WTF is going on in this picture.

Dave and Caroline, two of our Denver regulars

Rockin' the Joe Flacco jersey from his time at the University of Delaware (Go Blue Hens!)

Hannah is Dave's girlfriend; they actually met through the Ravens group! Here were are showing off our matching Ravens scarves.

Charlie is our youngest member and one of the greatest cornhole players our Denver group has.

For organizing all of our Ravens activities through the seasons, including the AWESOME "home game" weekend, the group present Nicci, a.k.a. "Mama Bird", with a Certificate of Appreciation.

Bill is second-in-command of the Denver group and also received a Certificate of Appreciation.

Here I am congratulating Bill with an awesome selfie.

I was given an award too - a Team Spirit Award for "Most Intense" (although I maintain that I should have been "Loudest" and our friend James "Most Intense")

When they asked me what superlative Steve should get on his Team Spirit Award, I suggested (and it was agreed) that he get "Most Patience."

We had to use Maggie's long(er than mine) arms to take this sweet selfie of us. She and I ALWAYS sit next to each other at the bar during games. We're intense like that.

INFILTRATED BY THE ENEMY!!

WE'RE COMING FOR YOU, NEW ENGLAND!!