Sthufferin' Sthafford!

The Ravens NEEDED to win their game against the Lions in order to have a shot at the AFC Wildcard spot. Hell, they have to win ALL their games from now on to have any realistic playoff dreams whatsoever. Of the 9 Monday Night Football analysts, only 4 chose the Ravens to win, including Fearless Leader Ray Lewis. (Top contender for "World's Worst QB with a Super Bowl Ring" Trent Dilfer did NOT chose the Ravens, which meant the Ravens fans at the bar loudly booed him.)

Things were NOT looking good for the Players in Purple when it became obvious that the offense couldn't get into the end zone; it was as if they were allergic to touchdowns & success. Luckily, the Ravens have something the Lions don't have - Justin Motha Fuckin' Tucker, the greatest kicker in the NFL. JTuck was the only one putting points on our half of the scoreboard all night. Our defense had 2 key interceptions (including one that sealed the victory), but Joe and the boys couldn't close the deal. Ravens fans continued drinking heavily. At the end of the game, the Lions were up by 2. The Ravens charged down field but once again failed to deliver as Joe threw 3 incomplete passes. Rather than give his exceptionally high-paid franchise QB another shot, John Harbaugh put the Three-man Wolfpack on the field. The game was in Justin Tucker's legs.

My fan friends at the bar closed in on me, furiously rubbing the pandahat on my head for good luck, all of us looking through our fingers. I had no doubt of JTuck's abilities; I somehow knew the kick would be good, even as I feared its potential failure.

Morgan Cox with the snap. Sam Koch gets the ball laces out. Justin Tucker kicks. The pigskin goes sailing towards the Lions' uprights, dangerously leaning far right. Closer...closer...closer...OH GOD! Like a sweet, body-shuddering orgasm, the ball JUST cleared the right goal post! The kick is good! The Ravens win the game!! THE RAVENS WIN THE GAME!!

The Lions were not as happy as I was.

Justin Tucker is the 1st kicker in NFL history to make a FG from distances in the 20's, 30's, 40's, 50's & 60's. pic.twitter.com/bxcbPo5BDb

— FOX Sports Live (@FOXSportsLive) December 17, 2013

 **Addendum to this tweet: He's the first to "kick for the cycle" in a single game!**

Uh oh looks like someone updated Wikipedia pic.twitter.com/jpN1M3LweQ
— Tim Gilman (@TIMinBALTIMORE) December 17, 2013

They changed it back, unfortunately.

RT @SportsCenter: Crazy Stat of the Day: Justin Tucker kicked 248 yds worth of field goals, 13 more than Matthew Stafford's 235 yds passing
— Baltimore Ravens (@Ravens) December 17, 2013

Justin was understandably cocky about the whole experience: http://www.baltimoreravens.com/news/article-1/Justin-Tucker-Happy-For-Fantasy-Owners/

To end this blog, I'll leave you with some fantastic conversation blurbs I had with my friends. Enjoy!

Me: "I'm thinking that we need to take money from Flacco and give it to Justin Tucker."

Zack: "Hahaha! The evidence supporting that is insurmountable."

Me: "Steve had to explain to me how 'contracts' and 'paying kickers' works."

Me: "Twitter is calling him 'Legatron'."

Tia:  "Best name ever. Beats Megatron, who dropped three passes yesterday and did shit for the Lions."

Me: "I know! Everyone at the bar kept yelling, 'OLLLLLDDDD MAAAANNN'."

Tia:  "Give him a break. He might have forgotten to take his Metamucil or Centrum Silver. Jimmy Mutha fuckin' Smith, blockin' Calvin Johnson like Kanye blocked Taylor Swift at the VMAs!"

Lament of the IT Professional

Shawn receives computer parts all day long. If he doesn't visit me at the front desk to pick them up, I make sure that Ray and Troy let him know that the packages are safe in their care.

The Internet Never Forgets

There are always three games on Thanksgiving Day: one with the Lions, one with the Cowboys, and then a night game that actually matters and entertains the nation. For two years in a row, the Baltimore Ravens have had the honor of being in the Game That Matters. In 2012, the nation got to watch a preview of Super Bowl 47 (to hell with Roman numerals) as big brother John Harbaugh's Ravens stomped baby brother Jim's 49ers two months before The Big Game. In 2013, the Ravens embarrassed the Steelers (not really, as there were a LOT of fundamentals that the Ravens needed to work on NOT screwing up, but let me have this one) in Baltimore to a crowd that righteously chanted "TOMLIN SUCKS" when Steelers head coach Mike Tomlin interfered with Jacoby Jones' amazing kick-off return run that SHOULD/WOULD have ended in a touchdown.

Even though he was fined by the league and put the Steelers' draft picks in jeopardy, Mike Tomlin wasn't done being reviled for his "blunder," as he repeatedly put it.

The Ravens were playing the Vikings in a snowy, rainy, slushy, cold, miserable Baltimore. The day was made MORE miserable by the fact that the Ravens were playing like snowmen with sticks for arms instead of actual human arms. But what to our wondering eyes should appear, but JACOBY JONES RUNNING IN ANOTHER KICK-OFF RETURN FOR A TOUCHDOWN!!

(Source)

It was one of those games that makes football fans keep a defibrillator handy: in the final minutes of the game, the Vikings and Ravens traded FOUR TOUCHDOWNS IN 82 SECONDS. I was listening on my Ravens app, having chosen to stay home from the bar, and I can't decide if it was better or worse that I didn't have to see everything happen in front of me. I got to see the last touchdown of the day and frightened my dog by screaming with joy in the empty apartment.

If you thought Twitter wouldn't explode in snarky tweets about Jones finally getting to make the play he SHOULD have been able to make on Thanksgiving, then you don't know the internet very well at all. Here's a sampling:

No coach to block Jacoby Jones this time...
— Adam Schefter (@AdamSchefter) December 8, 2013

Professional burnnnn

Jacoby Jones couldn't do that if I was there
— Evil Mike Tomlin (@EvilMikeTomlin) December 8, 2013

Popular parody account burnnnn

Glad Leslie Frazier didn't pull a Tomlin.
— Joe Flacco's Ego (@FlaccosEgo) December 8, 2013

Fake Flacco burnnnn

Jacoby Jones has returned 6 kickoffs for 256 yards & 1TD over the past two games, producing a 42.7-yard average. #Ravens
— Patrick Gleason (@PMGleason) December 8, 2013

How you like dem facts dair, hawn?

@Artj97 your reaction to @TheRealJacoby12 kick return is priceless. http://t.co/QnXBjIDrF5
— Cody (@Ledshaman) December 8, 2013

Arthur Jones' reaction speaks volumes for us all

Jacoby Jones on the crazy final two minutes of the game: "You couldn't even really get emotional. It was too confusing." #Ravens #Vikings
— Luke Jones (@BaltimoreLuke) December 8, 2013

The man of the hour speaks

Ravens vs lolJets

Troy: "Mr. Lewis, It's a big week for our division! 3 teams have a shot at a wild card and 1 week from now, likely only 1 team will be left in that race. Which team do you think it will be?"
Ray: "TROY, LOYALTY MAKES ME WANNA SAY THE RAVENS, BUT WE BOTH KNOW THAT MIGHT NOT HAPPEN. THE SMART MONEY SAYS MY SON RAY III AND I WILL WIN IN A HUGE UPSET!"

I'm trying to take this season one game at a time, which is the only way I can prevent myself from becoming an alcoholic one day a week. (There's a reason I barely drink in the off-season. Friends like to tell other people who don't know me that I'm regenerating my liver between the Super Bowl and the pre-season.) I had a good reason to believe that the Ravens would beat the Jets, mainly because...well...they're the Jets. But the "any given Sunday" rule has been applying more and more this season, so I'll admit that I went into the bar with some trepidation.

Our offense was playing pretty well (relatively speaking), so I found myself actually staying sober, which was a nice change of pace. Ed Reed, however, seemed like he had some kind of vendetta against his old team members, which isn't surprising. He's Ed Reed; he always has a chip on his shoulder.

Jets S Ed Reed levels Ravens WR Jacoby Jones (GIF) http://t.co/9s9DcjZwX1
— ZombieProphet (@ZProphet_MMA) November 24, 2013

You could practically feel Jacoby's pain when Ed laid him out in the end zone.

WATCH Jacoby Jones' 66-yard touchdown catch over Ed Reed! | http://t.co/OwthjkP8u1 pic.twitter.com/rRMB3S8FMf
— Baltimore Ravens (@Ravens) November 24, 2013

But Jacoby got back at Ed by SMOKING him for a 66-yard touchdown later in the game!

Watch @TheRealJacoby12's first TD dance of the season, a nod to @DancingABC! VIDEO | http://t.co/Ivc9oXkiWO
— Baltimore Ravens (@Ravens) November 25, 2013

Then he did a dance inspired by his time on Dancing with the Stars. (His shit-eating grin after the first replay is my favorite part of the whole video.)

After the game, Ed Reed spoke to the press about how he thought the game went:

“Ed Reed: ‘It was a great football game and we had some fun.’ OK, Ed. If you say so.”

—@BrianCoz, Jets beat man Brian Costello of the New York Post, relaying one of the Bizarre Quotes of the Season from a football player. The Jets were embarrassed in Baltimore, their quarterback performed like a person stepping on a football field for the first time, they played haplessly for the second straight week, and they fell into the mire of AFC playoff mediocrity after holding a wild-card spot for the last three weeks.

(Via Monday Morning Quarterback)

I leave you now with an incredible fact about dreamy Ravens kicker and future 2013 team MVP Justin Tucker (seen in that video being badass as hell):

Justin Tucker, kicker, Baltimore. On a frigid day (20 degrees wind chill) kicking in a 26-mph crosswind, Tucker, the most efficient kicker in NFL history (minimum 50 made field goals) converted on field goals from 30, 26, 33 and 53 yards in the 19-3 rout of the woeful Jets. For his career, the University of Texas kicker is 54 of 59, a conversion rate of 91.5%.
(Via Monday Morning Quarterback)

Ed Reed Burns Bridges

Ed Reed has been talking smack since he started playing in the NFL. He doesn't give any fucks and makes sure that everyone knows it. He's a notorious media whore and has gotten in "trouble" multiple times for criticizing players and coaches he thinks are doing a poor job while never recognizing that he struggles with the same faults as many of the people he's insulting. This time, he's mouthing off about Texans' defensive coordinator Wade Phillips, specifically that Ed was fired because he told everyone that Phillips sucks.

Click the pic below to read the article about it.

I chose this picture because I really like his "Kanye Shrug".

Time to UnRAYtire

Ray: "ARRRRGHHH! THIS SEASON IS AWFUL! I'M GONNA UNRETIRE AND TAKE THE TEAM TO THE SUPER BOWL AGAIN!"
Troy: "How so, Mr. Lewis? Do you think you can play on the offensive line this time around?"

Whenever a team is doing poorly, talking heads and fans scramble to find someone to blame. I asked my husband Steve and one of my best friends Zack for their opinions about what's going wrong with the Ravens.

Steve: [Offensive Coordinator Jim Caldwell] keeps calling plays like the offensive line is competent. They were better last game. They finally called some draw plays that I had been screaming for all season, and they worked. They ran the ball to the outside. Joe rolled out to his right sometimes instead of trying to stay in the pocket. Even though the field was a mess and Chicago’s defense is pretty good, it worked. They should have been doing that all season and hopefully they will continue to do it.

Zack: [Offensive Line Coach Andy Moeller] decided to install a new blocking scheme after the old one won us a Super Bowl.  I know there were personnel changes too, but the talent is still there, so I think the o-line coaching is to blame for a lot of our offensive struggles. Well, that combined with [Cam] Cameron-esque play calling, which I can only imagine is the result of Harbaugh telling Caldwell that he wants to run this type of offense.

Apparently, I'm not the only one who thinks Ray Lewis wishes he could go back to the game...

 Not as good as the Madden ads w/him and Paul Rudd though

First Ed Reed was Cut...Then He Went Unclaimed...

First Ed Reed was cut. Then he went unclaimed. It just keeps getting worse from there: http://t.co/vSj1BNfWyZ
— NOTSportsCenter (@NOTSportsCenter) November 13, 2013

Ed Reed is now a Jet

SOURCES: Ed Reed's contract with the #Jets will allow him to take Tuesdays off to play Bingo and Thursdays off to feed the ducks at the pond
— NOTSportsCenter (@NOTSportsCenter) November 14, 2013

Ed Reed forced to sign with Jets after losing bet
— Evil Mike Tomlin (@EvilMikeTomlin) November 14, 2013

So Ed Reed just sign with the NY Jets lol! Good luck to them!
— Madison Porter (@UConnHuskyBlue3) November 14, 2013

Was really hoping Ed Reed would end his career on a high note. Too bad he decided to end up in #NewYork @nyjets
— Wayne Banks (@wbanks32) November 14, 2013

Ed Reed signed with the Jets. What have I done to deserve this!?
— Brian MacGinnis (@Batman_Bey0nd) November 14, 2013

Ed Reed isn't washed up. Texans just didn't play the man right. Jets about to prosper.
— O'Neill (@AvatarOneill) November 14, 2013

Ed reed just wasted his time going to the jets
— Christian (@Jinky2020) November 14, 2013

I'm sure Ed Reed will work out just as well for the Jets as David Garrard, Brett Favre, Ladainian Tomlinson and Santonio Holmes did.
— 210pros (@210pros) November 14, 2013

PLEASE Ed Reed come out and BALL the remainder of the season so you can silence the naysayers...
— Donte' Stallworth (@DonteStallworth) November 14, 2013

Ed Reed shoulda just retired after the Super Bowl with Ray Lewis, he's out there just tarnishing his career at this point
— Ryan Kenny (@RyanKenny23) November 14, 2013

Could the Ed Reed move be exactly what Rex needs to get the monkey off his back vs the #Ravens? A shot of confidence?
— Nick Spano (@NickSpano) November 14, 2013

sweet the jets got ed reed. not like hes an injury prone grandpa or anything
— George P (@gjp_19) November 14, 2013

The Next Step in Videobombing

Ed Reed was totally in the Ed Reed Zone, talking about Ed Reed, when Arian Foster showed up in the background on his Segway and slowly rolled past the oblivious safety. The best part is Foster's straight face and "To hell with this" look as he rolls away. Much like the butt fumble, I could watch this all day. (Source) (Also, can we pause and marvel at how awesome it is that the worst play in Mark Sanchez's career (so far?) has its own legit Wikipedia page?!)

While this is definitely my new favorite "bomb," nothing will ever replace Aaron Rodgers as the King of the Photobomb. The man is a true master of his craft; he even photobombed Brett Favre on a few occasions! Despite his affection for unfortunate mustaches, I can't help but love him.

I almost choked on my granola bar when I saw this one.
God, I hope he made those poor boys deaf...because I'm a bad person.

Pathetic Rivalries

Ray vs. Sylvester

Sylvester the Cat: "Sssufferin' sssucatash, Ray. When you ssspeak to sssomeone you need to ssswallow your ssspit first."

Ray Rice, not a cat: "Ssseriously Sssylvestor, I know that! The media'sss just got to make up these ssspitting ssstories to ssstir up trouble!"

I know that the Browns have been doing bizarrely well this season at being a legitimate professional football team, so perhaps it's time to take them seriously. However, I refuse to do so. I just...I can't live in a world where the Browns are contenders for at least second place in the AFC North.

Historically speaking, the Browns have tried to start legit rivalries with the other teams in the AFC North, even though we've all viewed them as the significantly-younger brother who annoys you because he wants to be just like you, but you can't be mean to them because it's just not worth it, and anyway, your mom will get mad at you.

"Let go, Brandon. You're not allowed to come to the Championship with me. I told you that."

They're "rivals" with Cincy because they're both in Ohio. Shawn: "[The Bengals] are a Carson Palmer knee away from being relevant."

They're "rivals" with the Steelers because, according to Shawn, the Browns used to be really good when they were *actually* the Browns. (See below.) But once the Browns moved to Baltimore and stopped being relevant, the Browns "had nothing to live for, so they held onto the rivalry as tightly as they could." (Again, Shawn.)

The only real rivalry they can claim in the AFC North is with Baltimore. Long story short, the Browns' former owner Art Modell decided that if Cleveland didn't want to pay for the team (which used to be good) to have a decent stadium, he was going to take them elsewhere. 

That "elsewhere" was Baltimore.

Some of the fans didn't take it as well as others did.

I'm not going to link to the story because if you're a fan of professional football, you should know about this, as it was a pretty big deal. (Like how the Baltimore Colts snuck out of Baltimore in the middle of the night in a damn Mayflower moving van. If you don't know that story either, go make Google your new bff.)

After our teams' week two game, the media lost its collective mind and ran everywhere with a story that Ray Rice purposely spit on Browns' nose tackle Phil Taylor during an altercation. The frenzy eventually died down, but now that the two teams are meeting up again this Sunday, the "scandal" has once again been brought to the forefront. Ray said that he had his mouthpiece in while was jawing at Taylor, so any spit that may have landed on Taylor was an unintentional consequence. Let's maybe step this up a bit, folks. We can do better than "your guy spit on our guy!!"

INTERRUPTION: There Are No Football Players Named "Nikki"

Marshall and his brother recently participated in a local charity run to raise funds for the Mountain Gorilla Conservation Fund. The Denver Gorilla Run had its 10th anniversary recently, and they wanted to make the occasion special. Their goal for this year's run was to beat the Guinness World Record for Most People Dressed as Gorillas in One Location (1,061). DGR was successful: they had 1,161 people participate!

While Marshall and his brother were walking around, they saw someone dressed in a Brandon Marshall jersey. While they were chatting with the guy to see if he'd get a picture with Marshall (name matching!), they saw someone wearing a Hines Ward jersey. As Marshall's last name is Ward, his brother got SUPER excited to have both of them take a picture with Marshall. Luckily, these strangers were game, and so the internet now has this marvelous picture of Marshall Ward with Marshall & Ward.

How Very Unlike You, Troy

Crudely-Drawn Steelers Coach Mike Tomlin: "Polamalu! What the hell was that ridiculously early jump last night? [Sunday's late game] It's unlike you! Do you need a concussion test?!"
Crudely-Drawn Troy Polamalu: "Coach, please remember that this is a game. We are lucky to be part of it and should enjoy doing it. I enjoy jumping over the o-line. What do you enjoy?"
C-DSCMT: "Not getting penalties."
C-DTP: "Oh...


Non-supportive Husband Steve: "Why don't you have pictures of them instead of drawings?"
Me: "Because I didn't have the time to Google image search appropriate pictures of the two of them, print them out, cut them to an appropriate size, and then put them on the white board."
Supportive Husband Steve: "The drawings look nice."

I Don't Even Know I Can't Even

I want to start off by saying that I OBVIOUSLY should have written this post sooner, like, well before the game instead of well after. But I'd like to blame Shawn (because it's easy) for my slacking, as he was out of the office on Thursday and Friday (I'm sure with a legit reason), so I couldn't really get into a shit-talking mood. Good thing, turns out.

This Ravens - Steelers game was uglier than the population of Pittsburgh. Both sides were awful, but it turns out, the Ravens were more awful. Let's not discuss the on-side kick that was ruined by an offside penalty and by MVP of the Year Justin Tucker touching the damn thing too early then getting SMOKED while he was trying to recover it. (1:22 shows the close-up.) 

Then you have Troy COMPLETELY blowing the timing on a field goal snap. It wasn't his first misread of the game, although it was certainly the most "WTF" to watch. Because he's been spending too much energy trying to read the QB's/snapper's minds, I think he's started living 3 seconds in the future. (That's a thing, right?)

So here's what Shawn wrote as a way of...I don't know...trying to be clever. I spent most of the week in a simmering, art school kid seethe about it. I mean, if you're going to write a parody of a form poem, you need to actually maintain the form (meter, rhyme scheme, etc.). But whatever. The rhyming got better towards the end, and as Shawn said, "YOU try writing something creative in two minutes!" Please see my (unfinished, thanks to a creativity drain at the end of the week) poem at the end of this post. It took me one minute to write.

"Twas the week before the Ravens Steelers game and not a player was stirring, not even a Ryan Clark Twitter posting. The jock straps were tightened with care in hopes that no fumble pile crotch shots would be there. The coaches were nestled all snug in their film rooms with visions of helmet-to-helmet collisions and Troy's flowing hair. When out on the ketchup field arose such a clatter as Brett Keisel's beard shouted, "Whatsa matter?" Joe Flacco sprang from the pocket with a flash to throw another check down to Ray Rice at the hash. Lawrence Timmons screamed, "On Haywood, on Taylor, on Williams and Jones RIP apart these damn Ravens, tear their skin from their bones!"

#Steelers 19 #Ravens 16 FINAL Ah, this is reminiscent of a time not so long ago when the outcome of this game would actually mean something.
— NOTSportsCenter NFL (@NOTSCNFL) October 20, 2013

Nikki's Poem
Twas the night before game day
and all through the streets,
not a person was shit-talking,
not even Ryan Clark's tweets.

Terrible Towels
were strung far and wide
so crying Steelers fans
had somewhere to hide.

The Ravens were sleeping
all snug in their nest,
dreaming of last year
when they were the best.

Perhaps I'll finish writing this poem for the Thanksgiving Night game...WHICH I'LL BE ATTENDING AT HOME IN BALTIMORE BECAUSE MY DADDY GOT ME TICKETS!!!!!!...but we'll see.

INTERRUPTION: Marshall is the Weirdest

This is Marshall. He works in our finance department. Tracy sent these pictures to me via email with the subject heading "KSPH 301 Disc Jockey." I mentioned that it was funny because he was wearing Ravens purple AND Steelers yellow (well, a lighter version). Being a hardcore Broncos fan, Marshall disliked my comments.

I guess this is him arguing with someone on the "radio" line about fantasy football?

UPDATE: Tracy told me that Marshall was wearing purple for Spirit Day, which aims to raise awareness about and eradicate bullying, specifically of LGBT youth. I'm an active ally of the LGBT movement, but it's been a bad week for me, so the day completely slipped under my radar. Ironically, I wasn't wearing purple yesterday, so I wasn't even "accidentally" participating. Today being Purple Friday, however, I am rockin' a purple tee and a purple tank under it. So I "missed it" by one day.

Good on Marshall for wanting to show support for a very important cause though.

A Vocabulary Lesson with Mr. Lewis - Part Two

The vocabulary lesson finishes with three more useful terms for all NFL fans to know. We're going to start with a word that's been around about as long as "Romo" has and is about a quarterback who's just as marinated in failure as Tony Romo is.

I don't need to tell you how ridiculous Mark Sanchez is. Look up any of my blog entries that are tagged "lolJets" or "Mark Sanchez," you'll get a brief intro to the world of awful he lives in. Therefore, I won't even bother going any further in this definition and just leave you with this tweet by one of my favorite satirical Twitter accounts:

#Jets 30 #Falcons 28 FINAL If Mark Sanchez was QB, they wouldn't have needed that field goal to win. They'd be down by 20.
— NOTSportsCenter NFL (@NOTSCNFL) October 8, 2013

Ravens fans will NEVER forgive He Who Shall Not Be Named (Billy Cundiff) for being the sole (don't argue with us on this point) reason that the team didn't win the AFC Championship game in 2011. His wide-left whiff field goal attempt broke hearts across the world.

I literally choked on my own spit when I saw that this video existed.

Any time an opposing kicker lines up for a field goal, we all chant for a "Cundiff," hoping the kicker shames his team mates and his family members by screwing up and costing his team crucial points.

Five games in and Billy Cundiff has only missed two field goals. This has to be a record for him, right? #TNF
— NOTSportsCenter NFL (@NOTSCNFL) October 4, 2013

I INTERRUPT THIS POST TO SHOW YOU THE BEST THING I'VE EVER SEEN ON URBAN DICTIONARY. (Look in the upper right corner.)

That beautiful picture is a great transition into our final definition: Bradying. The term comes from an unofficial rule NFL referees have seemingly made up that protects a quarterback (except for Ben Roethlisberger or Joe Flacco or anyone else who can actually take a hit) from being touched during games. If you hurt the QB, then what's the point of even finishing the game? The incident that truly embodies this rule happened in 2008 when safety Bernard Pollard (then with the Kansas City Chiefs) slammed into Tom Brady and ended the superstar's season. After Brady returned, there was a long period of time when a defensive player couldn't even THINK of MAYBE hitting Tommy Boy or else they'd get called for a personal foul.

Example: "Terrell Suggs was fined $250,000 today for Bradying before the AFC Championship game. Said the hard-hitter, 'I guess I sneezed too close to Tom, and the slight breeze it created messed up his hair. This s**t is getting ridiculous.'"

A Vocabulary Lesson with Mr. Lewis - Part One

*Note: The black blob in the upper left corner is my email address. I blocked it out for obvious reasons.

If you're a fan of professional football, you probably know that many former super stars are now considered the butts of many jokes. Their names have now become synonymous with failure. The players listed here are only a few examples. Please feel free to comment below if you have different definitions than I do.

Eli Manning has been a big bundle of failure this season. The Giants are winless, and Eli has thrown so many interceptions that he's been MVP for every team he's played against. If you want to save yourself characters on Twitter or just time speaking, use "Eli" in place of "interception."
Example: "Ugh! I can't believe that Joe Flacco just thew an Eli! So frustrating!"

Peyton Manning on Eli Manning's 15 INTs this year: "Don't blame me, he was adopted. And dropped on his head. And dropped on his head again."
— NOTSportsCenter (@NOTSportsCenter) October 11, 2013

Tony Romo has great stats when you JUST look at his stats. When you look at how he is as a "leader" for his team, however, you realize that he's a joke. His inability to close games and carry his team to the playoffs has been a thorn in the side of Cowboys fans across the nation. But until Jerry Jones dies/is violently overthrown in a coupe, Tony is the team's quarterback.

Tony Romo threw for 500 yards and 5 TD's, but threw a late game INT that cost his team the game. Doesn't get more Romo than that.
— NOTSportsCenter (@NOTSportsCenter) October 6, 2013

It's my understanding that unlike Tony Romo, Matt Schaub used to be a decent quarterback. I mean, yeah the Texans haven't won a Super Bowl recently, but...you know...when you compare him (or anyone else, really) to Tony Romo, he's pretty elite. This year, that all changed. Matt's been throwing turnovers/pick-sixes like it's going out of style (which it really should), much to the rage of Texans fans. Click on this perfectly "Schaub" picture below to read a satirical take on Matt Schaub's suckiness.
Example: "Tony Romo TOTALLY pulled a Romo when he Schaubed at the end of the game."

My God. It's Happened.

The Browns are no longer awful. I'm going to have to change my blog tags.

The Apocalypse is Coming

Brainstorm: Top 10 Signs the Apocalypse is Coming - NFL Version

1. The Chiefs are undefeated.
2. The Steelers are 0-4 for the first time in 45 years.
3. The Browns have won 2 games in a row, are at the "top" of the AFC North. (2nd behind Ravens)
4. Tom Brady is struggling to beat teams by 20 points.
5. Rex Ryan is relatively "thin."
6. Roddy White is stinking it up.
7. Eagles fans cheered for Donovan McNabb and Andy Reid.
8. Despite his best efforts, Shawn still hasn't won a fantasy football game.
9. Meanwhile, Marshall is winning the league.
10. Nikki would rather be outside than watch football.

*Tim Tebow is no longer in the NFL this year...COINCIDENCE?

Nikki Post: Justin Tucker is the Absolute DREAMIEST

Justin Tucker, the Ravens' Super Bowl-winning kicker who beat out He-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named-But-Can-Only-Make-A-Field-Goal-When-the-AFC-Championship-Isn't-on-the-Line for the position in 2012, is a man of many talents and quirks. He sings opera to his teammates in the locker room, much to their amusement. He, Morgan Cox (long snapper, and Sam Koch (punter) formed their own "three-man wolf pack." One of his pre-game rituals is to lay his entire uniform - pads and all - on the floor and walk around it neurotically. He's pretty much my favorite player on the team.

Dr. Pepper has recently released an awesome video of Justin showcasing his musical talents. Ladies and gentlemen, may I present Justin Tucker, the Ravens' phenomenal kicker.

Sweet Pea Ain't So Sweet

Big Ben: "What's that, Ray?"**
Ray Lewis: "Wow, Ben, in my day Sweet Pea wouda got what she deserved! Tips!"
Big Ben: "C'mon, Ray! That's not even right."
Ray Lewis: "What? I mean from the Ravens' upcoming opponents!"
Big Ben: "Badump Bump!"

**I have no idea what order Shawn meant for this dialogue to go, so I just kinda winged it.

By now, I'm sure you've all heard the story of Ravens player (and Dancing with the Stars sensation) Jacoby Jones getting hit in the head with a champagne bottle by a stripper named Sweet Pea on a party bus while celebrating teammate Bryant McKinney's birthday. (This first link is my FAVORITE about the news, mainly because the headline is SO misleading about the content to come.) Jacoby has "apologized" about the incident without really apologizing. Torrey Smith pointed out that this is a non-story (while building a house for Habitat for Humanity! Why isn't THAT being talked about?!), and the media should just move on. And Ray Lewis, never one to shy from offering an opinion that brings the story back around to him, blames a lack of leadership after his retire and Ed Reed's move to the Texans for Jacoby's Wild Night.

For those interested, this is what Baltimore's strippers look like:

(source)

Keep it classy, Bmore & Ravens.

James Harrison: Man of Many Emotions

We all know that James Harrison isn't right in the head. (Note: this is a mostly satirical piece. Although that pic at the top is AWESOME.) His teammates and colleagues around the league all know it. You know it; I know it. The internet especially knows it. Here are two memes I've found about him that I love.

Tee shirt that I NEED to own based on an actual photo of Harrison

Relevant to yesterday's entry

But then Shawn sent me a beautiful video that shows the softer side of James and reveals that he's actually a human being that can feel emotions and make real connections with other humans.

His quiet, "I miss him" pretty much broke my little bleeding heart.

James Smash Ben!

 

Big Ben: "AW MAAAAN! I gotta play HARRISON ON MONDAY? I'm gonna die!"

James Harrison, defying gravity: "BenGAl KITeY has cLAwS! bENgal sMaSH!"

Troy: "You see, Ben, when chance meets opportunity, opportunity should run for the sideline."

Ray, handsome as always: "YO! HOW DO MY TEETH LOOK ON TV?"

RvT has an all-new look! In that Ray's no longer in uniform, and I have multiple pictures I plan on using for Troy. This is his "One does not simply walk into Mordor" expression for when he gives advice.

Shawn's take on our characters' reactions to Ben's lament isn't quite what I had in mind, but it's probably much better. My idea was just to have everyone tell Ben he was going to die. :p

The Bengals beat the Steelers, although since I was watching Dollhouse on Netflix, I don't know what the final score was. I could Google it, but it's late, and I want to go to bed. I'll have another entry tomorrow morning anyway, so I'll save some other material for then. For now, I'll drift off to sleep and dream of laughing at Shawn because his team is 0-2 and huddled with the Browns at the bottom of the AFC North.

Nikki Post: LOL

I was cleaning up my "Ray vs. Troy" folder on my computer when I found this picture. I don't think I posted it back when we were doing the play-off/Super Bowl pool, which is a pity because it's AWESOME. I won the office pool by a ludicrous margin because I was the ONLY person who picked the Ravens through everything! I even managed to get some of the spreads correct! Oh, sweet succulent victory. I shit-talked to everyone in our group, ESPECIALLY the IT Director, who was in second place but had won the year before.

Here we see Shawn giving me my winnings. I WAS going to have a picture of me "making it rain," but ultimately I wanted to get a picture of Shawn being sad giving me all that sweet, sweet, sweet cash. What did I do with the money? I'll be damned if I remember. Probably bought several rounds of drinks for friends or took mi novio out to dinner.

Jesus...what other Super Bowl photos did I not publish? Well...here are a few. What the hell.

Doing a (disgusting-tasting) purple vodka shot with my bartender Amy

KIND of a big deal at the game

Troy is such a sweet man! Always supportive

Nikki Post: GOOD NEEEWWWWWS, Everyone!

Oh, what's that? Someone's got tickets to see the RUMBLE OF THE SEASON ON THANKSGIVING DAY??!?!? While other suckers will be eating turkey and watching the Cowboys and Lions lose on Thanksgiving, husband (yay! I'm married now!) Steve and I are going to the game! My daddy has been working for MONTHS to get these tickets. When he finally did, I made the mistake of asking him how he got them. Daddy reminded me that I shouldn't ask questions about such things. It's the number one rule for Italian men: don't ask questions if you're not willing to perjure yourself about the answers.

This is the best wedding present EVER.

AFC North: A Clusterf*ck of a Division

The first week of NFL football was a complete wreck, at least for fans of the teams of the AFC North. The Ravens were CLOBBERED by the Broncos. I was at that game, and all I could do was laugh. Nothing was going right for us, and Peyton and his receivers were throwing the ball over our defense like they were eighth graders, and our guys were fifth graders. Mile High was a dangerous and hostile place to be if you weren't a Broncos fan.

I was able to take solace in one beautiful fact though: while the Ravens lost to a future hall-of-famer, the Steelers lost to the TENNESSEE TITANS at their home stadium in Pittsburgh! They also lost four of their starters to injuries. It was basically a banner day for a loser who's less of a loser than other losers.

Nikki Post: #LOLjets, Pre-season Preview

While Gang Green beat the Giants in OT (BILLY CUNDIFF, of all people, made the game-winning FG), Head Coach Rex "Coach Fatty" Ryan chose to put presumed-starter Mark "Uh Oh Hotdog" Sanchez in as QB in the fourth quarter...behind the barely-third-string offensive line players. In a sack that literally made me yell in sympathy pain, Sanchez got SMASHED between two Giants D-men and left the game with what is speculated to be a very severe shoulder injury. The press corps, sportscasters, and fans of all kinds are wondering just WTF Rex was thinking. When the NY media (a blood-thirsty bunch, to be fair) asked him about it in the post-game presser, Rex basically lost his damn mind. Twitter obviously exploded. I made a Storify blog entry by pulling some of my favorite tweets about the Jets game tonight.

"Different Kind of Butt Fumble"

My fiancee Steve enjoys cruising the internet in his spare time. Besides looking at pictures of cats on Imgur, he likes to troll on ProFootballTalk. He shared this video with me, I guess because he couldn't live his life any longer unless someone else knew the pain he felt from having seen what cannot be unseen. (Warning: Slightly NSFW.)

Source: http://profootballtalk.nbcsports.com/2013/06/26/bizarre-sanchez-video-appears-online/

UPDATE: Aaron Hernandez Charged with Murder

Aaron Hernandez was officially charged with murder and several counts of unlawful possession of firearms. I wonder if they'll eventually add obstruction of justice to the charges, or if they consider a suspect destroying evidence to be a "natural" reaction?

Murder was the Case That They Gave Him: Patriots Edition

Transcript:

Troy: "So Mr. Lewis, any (cough...) advice for Mr. Hernandez?"
Ray:  "TROY! THAT'S A VERY RUDE QUESTION! MY PAST IS IN THE PAST! He should work with the DA, though. Probably turn himself in. Oh, and stop watching Scarface!"

You've probably heard by now that Patriots tight end Aaron Hernandez was arrested. While charges haven't been officially announced yet (they're waiting to arraign him), the case is MAD sketchy. A semi-pro football player was found in an industrial park a half-mile from Hernandez's house, shot execution style (which freaks me out the most). Apparently, Hernandez and the dead man, Odin Lloyd, were friends who had been seen hanging out before the killing. More sketch news: "ABC News has reported that Hernandez destroyed his cellphone and video surveillance system and had his home professionally cleaned the day Lloyd's body was found. And Massachusetts State Police have twice searched Hernandez's home, along with nearby woods and a pond." (from the article linked above; emphasis mine) Dude, that's some CSI stuff right there. Also, obstruction of justice.

This isn't the first time someone's accused Aaron Hernandez of committing an act of violence. A man in Florida accused him of shooting him in the face; the injury resulted in the loss of the man's eye. The man wouldn't cooperate with the cops though (WITNESS INTIMIDATION?!?!), so the case was "deemed inactive."

Now, everyone know that the US guarantees that you're "innocent until proven guilty", but let's get real here: the evidence against the tight end is pretty damning. He could at least be convicted of obstructing justice; that much is obvious. Now, I'm obviously a TOTALLY biased party, but I'd just like to say that the incident with Ray Lewis was much more confusing than this. No one knows who stabbed the victim, and Ray-Ray cooperated with police and plead guilty to move the case along. He paid the fees, did his time, and spent the rest of his life/NFL career staying on the straight and narrow and giving back to the community (including attempting to climb Mt. Kilimanjaro from July 2nd - July 9th (my birthday!)). I know I speak on behalf of all Ravens fans when I say, "Shut your mouths, haters." I'm looking forward to bringing up how the Pats players are criminals (oh! and don't forget Spygate) for years to come.

ProFootballTalk.com is obviously blowing up the article about the arrest. I'll end this entry with my favorite comment:

rodge1 says: Jun 26, 2013 10:31 AM: Somewhere Ballard and Tebow are high-fiving each other.

You Get What You Pay For?

The Texans revealed that their new safety Ed Reed (formerly of the Baltimore Ravens) recently "underwent arthroscopic surgery last week to repair a labral tear in his hip," according to the Houston Chronicle and briefly reported by ESPN. In talking with Shawn, these were my immediate reactions:

a) TOTALLY thought the article said he had a "labial" tear, which is VERY different than a "labral" tear.
b) Ed COULD just be faking this to get out of OTAs and work-outs because he HATES doing those.
c) Ed's old for a safety (35), and his body is that of a much older person (90).
d) The Texans are probably regretting their choice right about now... (Speaking of: "This was not in the Texans' plan when they signed Reed.")

Shawn's take on the news:

"All I can do is laugh. Picking up high priced, old free agents is always a bad idea. Always. I hope his labia comes out alright though."