Too Much Free Time

For the first time in five years, the Ravens aren't going to the playoffs. Frankly, we didn't deserve to win. We played like shit all year on all sides of the ball (except the Justin Tucker side, a.k.a. "the sexiest side of the ball"), and the fact that Andy Dalton threw FOUR PICKS and STILL got his team the division championship is [expletive deleted] ludicrous. But that was 2013; today is the second day of a shiny new year. A year when we'll hopefully fire (out of a cannon) Michael Oher, the most penalized player in the NFL. (Scroll about 2/3 down to find the stats; I can't direct link to it.) A year when we find a way to create an offensive line that keeps our (overpaid?) quarterback from ending up flat on his back like a high school kid on prom night. A year...sorry, I zoned out there, thinking about how happy I was a year ago. How full of hope and excitement that maybe - just maybe - this would be our year. *sigh* Those days seem like a lifetime ago.

ANYWAY...

I've found myself with an abundance of time this January during Sunday afternoons and evenings. I plan on visiting some places in Colorado I've never been to, maybe catch up on my reading, walk my dog a little bit more. I don't really have any team that I want to go all the way more than others. I'm basically rooting for everyone who plays the Broncos and the Patriots. One and done, baby. That's all I want. Shawn told me that someone had asked him if he'd finally root for the Broncos this year. His reply: "I'd rather root for ball cancer."

Me: "If I had a dollar for every time someone in the Ravens bar screamed, 'Hurry the fuck up, Joe!' at the TV, I could buy a pile of coke the size of this building."

Shawn: "You know who DOES have a dollar for every time someone's yelled that? Joe Flacco."

*rimshot* Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. Goodnight.

James Smash Ben!

 

Big Ben: "AW MAAAAN! I gotta play HARRISON ON MONDAY? I'm gonna die!"

James Harrison, defying gravity: "BenGAl KITeY has cLAwS! bENgal sMaSH!"

Troy: "You see, Ben, when chance meets opportunity, opportunity should run for the sideline."

Ray, handsome as always: "YO! HOW DO MY TEETH LOOK ON TV?"

RvT has an all-new look! In that Ray's no longer in uniform, and I have multiple pictures I plan on using for Troy. This is his "One does not simply walk into Mordor" expression for when he gives advice.

Shawn's take on our characters' reactions to Ben's lament isn't quite what I had in mind, but it's probably much better. My idea was just to have everyone tell Ben he was going to die. :p

The Bengals beat the Steelers, although since I was watching Dollhouse on Netflix, I don't know what the final score was. I could Google it, but it's late, and I want to go to bed. I'll have another entry tomorrow morning anyway, so I'll save some other material for then. For now, I'll drift off to sleep and dream of laughing at Shawn because his team is 0-2 and huddled with the Browns at the bottom of the AFC North.

Seriously?

The last Ravens - Steelers game of the regular season was a cluster-eff on both sides of the ball and the sidelines. Whether I was drinking heavily because of John Harbaugh's utter inability to manage the clock properly in the second half, because of Joe Flacco's inability to THROW THE BALL AWAY TO THE SIDELINE INSTEAD OF TO A STEELERS RECEIVER when pressure is on, or because Paul Kruger got a damn roughing-the-passer penalty just in time to let the Steelers win by a field goal in regulation, I was drinking heavily. Also, Audra was in town. Also, my body reminded me yesterday that I am 29 now and therefore can no longer drink like I'm 21.

This is all not to say that the Steelers looked like an elite team. For example, this happened:

Via the HuffPo

And this happened:

Via Outside the Boxscore

But at the end of the day, third-string QB Charlie Batch got to cry with joy (and shock, probably) into Big Ben's pillowy bosom because HE had won the game against the Ravens IN THEIR HOUSE against all the odds put up against him.

Needless to say, I don't remember much about Sunday evening. :p

Shawn's Despair

As you ALL know, the second Ravens-Steelers game is this Sunday. I'll be at my usual sports bar, screaming like a mad woman and wearing my uniform. Shawn prefers to stay at home watching NFL Network in his home office because "Steelers fans are fucking awful people."

He and I just finished a conversation about how he can't get excited for the game because Big Ben won't be playing, and that means they're stuck with Charlie Batch. (The decision apparently has nothing to do with the possibility of Ben being stabbed to death by his own dislocated rib, but rather because his arm strength isn't yet up to par.) Because of the travesty that was their performance in the game against the Browns, dreamy enemy head coach Mike Tomlin has benched Rashard Mendenhall and Mike Wallace. This is especially bad news bears for Wallace, as he's been angling for "Larry Fitzgerald money" all season. I somehow doubt he'll get his desired raise.

I suggested to Shawn the one way to enjoy the game was to switch allegiances and cheer for the Ravens. "How can I enjoy a game like that?" he asked. "What joy could I take in defeating an old, broken group of players?" "Just do what the rest of Ravens fans do," I sang as I skipped away from his office. "Take whatever you can get and focus on that W on your record!"

The Ravens are Going to Give All of Their Fans Heart Attacks

According to my many sources (drunk friends & Twitter), yesterday's game against the Chargers was one of the more stressful games of the season, which is saying something considering how many stressful games we've had so far. We went into overtime and only won thanks to the amazingness of Ray Rice, Torrey Smith, and crazy man kicker Justin "JTuck" Tucker. I was lucky enough to miss the stress and only catch the last few minutes of overtime on my Droid Ravens app (which I recommend!), as I was busy acting in a matinee performance of "It's A Wonderful Life: A Radio Play." I'm one of the leads, and I'm getting paid. It's pretty awesome.

We play the Steelers next week, which means that I'm going to get excessively drunk and possibly depressed again. Rumor is that Big Ben will be back, leaving Leftwich to nurse his broken ribs and Batch to disappear once again into third-stringer obscurity. Shawn and I (he more so than I obviously) are worried that Pittsburgh is rushing Ben back into the game too soon after his recent injury. We understand WHY the Steelers are making this move, but even with the Ravens' defense missing its hard-hitting players and having others in less-than-stellar form, we're still going to be playing with a very physical need to sweep the Steelers for the second year in a row. While I dislike Ben as a person and as a division rival, I don't want him to be crippled for the rest of his life. It'd be nice if Benjamin Roethlisberger, Jr. (actual name) could play with his dad without getting wounded by whatever prosthetic the old man will have.

Congrats to Ben and his family however. Here's hoping that fatherhood mellows him out and causes him to make better choices as a human being.

We Give Thanks

Putting aside the politics of Thanksgiving - the Pilgrims' treatment of the Native Americans, the failures of the first settlements, and the crass consumerism and violence of Black Friday - it's a pretty nice holiday. Everyone watches football, eats too much food, and gets into awkward family conversations that inevitably to drinking too much alcohol and occasionally, weeping. (At least, that's what I'm led to believe happens thanks to television and film.) Today the boys (with special guest Big Ben) tell each other what they're most thankful for.

For those who live under a rock/don't follow the Ravens and may not have heard, Ravens safety Ed Reed was initially suspended by the league for an illegal hit during the Ravens-Steelers game on 11/18. (I watched the game, and honestly, while it was a HARD hit, I don't know that it was necessarily a dirty one.) After an appeal, Ed had the suspension reversed and now only needs to pay a $50,000 fine. Being Ed Reed though, he's complaining about having to pay a fine at all. (Seriously, bro, keep your mouth shut. We need you to play the Chargers!) My opinions on the league's new no-tolerance rules against defensive players for certain kids of hits may be expanded upon at a later date and time, so I'll say no more than I think Ed's lucky that the fine is all he got.

Happy Thanksgiving to one and all! Enjoy watching the Lions, Cowboys, and Jets fail miserably on Thanksgiving as they (the first two teams anyway) do every year.

Another One Bites the Dust

...Alternative title, based on James's contribution to the conversation: "Forever Alone."

Big Ben joins a new gentlemen's association that I like to call The Sideliners Club. After squeaking out a win in overtime against the Kansas City Chiefs, it was revealed that Big Ben's shoulder injury is more serious than everyone previously thought. While I dislike when any player gets injured, I'm pretty stoked about this one, I have to say. After all, the Ravens do SIGNIFICANTLY better against the Steelers when they're playing a back-up quarterback, and considering the stressful year we're having, I could use a relatively easy Ravens-Steelers match-up next week.

Injured Ravens Players

1. Lardarius Webb, arguably one of the best guys we have on defense off the line
2. Ray Lewis, the "heart and soul" of the team, although he'd been slowing up as his age caught up to him
3. Bobby Rainey showed some real talent as Ray Rice's back-up/mini-me

Injured Steelers Players

1. Antonio Brown
2. Rashard Mendenhall
3. Troy Polamalu
4. Let's be real...ever since coming back, James Harrison hasn't been performing the same as before his injury (although I'd never tell HIM that!)

It'll be interesting to see how next Sunday night's match-up between these two bitter rivals will go. All I can say definitively is that I will be severely hung over come Monday morning.

PS: I'm just gonna leave this hilarious comic strip of love right here: http://www.midwestsportsfans.com/2011/02/photo-story-the-ballad-of-bathroom-ben-roethlisberger/

Speaking of Bumblebees...

Fan of the blog Kelsey sent in this picture of Big Ben REALLY rockin' the "Sexy Bumblebee" look:

She found the image on Reddit (of course), so I can't credit the Photoshop wizard who made this delightful, sexy picture, but if s/he finds this post, please know that you have made me very happy. Thank you.

UPDATE: The source of the photo is a Ravens sub-Reddit poster named LadyRavenEye. Muchas gracias!

I Know Why They Call Them "Throwbacks"...

...because you wanna THROW THEM BACK where they came from! hahahahaha / lolololol / etc.

Transcript:

Ray: "HEY TROY! SORRY YOU MISSED THE CHANCE TO DRESS UP AS A SEXY BUMBLEBEE ON SUNDAY! DID YOU WEAR ANOTHER COSTUME? *snicker*"

Troy: "Mr. Lewis. I'm not sure if you are aware of this, but the bee is an important part of the ecosystem and is vital to our planet. And I dressed up as a sexy nurse."

James: "JAmeS giVE STinGeR!"

I've decided to write James as speaking in random letters to solidify the idea that he's hit his head so many times he no longer knows how to communicate like a regular person. (Also, he's got great taste in double entendres and puns.)

For those who missed it, the Steelers played the Redskins in Ketchup Field...er...Heinz Field while wearing yellow-and-black striped jerseys and socks and tan pants. For those of us who can see - in color, especially - it was a horrible thing to behold.

Back-up QB Charlie Batch asks, "What do you think?" The world replies, "No."

(Source)

As one online blogger put it: "You know it's bad when even The Onion makes fun of your uniforms." (To be fair, I'd think it worse if The Onion DIDN'T make fun of your uniforms. That would mean they were so awful, the fake-newspaper would feel like it was kicking a cancerous puppy while it was slowly gasping its last breath. So don't worry, blogger! Your Steelers are doing just fine!)

Who is the Better Quarterback?

Troy and Ray discuss their respective QBs. (Read Troy first)