Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Speaking of Bumblebees...

Fan of the blog Kelsey sent in this picture of Big Ben REALLY rockin' the "Sexy Bumblebee" look:

She found the image on Reddit (of course), so I can't credit the Photoshop wizard who made this delightful, sexy picture, but if s/he finds this post, please know that you have made me very happy. Thank you.

UPDATE: The source of the photo is a Ravens sub-Reddit poster named LadyRavenEye. Muchas gracias!

Tuesday, October 30, 2012

I Know Why They Call Them "Throwbacks"...

...because you wanna THROW THEM BACK where they came from! hahahahaha / lolololol / etc.



Troy: "Mr. Lewis. I'm not sure if you are aware of this, but the bee is an important part of the ecosystem and is vital to our planet. And I dressed up as a sexy nurse."

James: "JAmeS giVE STinGeR!"

I've decided to write James as speaking in random letters to solidify the idea that he's hit his head so many times he no longer knows how to communicate like a regular person. (Also, he's got great taste in double entendres and puns.)

For those who missed it, the Steelers played the Redskins in Ketchup Field while wearing yellow-and-black striped jerseys and socks and tan pants. For those of us who can see - in color, especially - it was a horrible thing to behold.

Back-up QB Charlie Batch asks, "What do you think?" The world replies, "No."

As one online blogger put it: "You know it's bad when even The Onion makes fun of your uniforms." (To be fair, I'd think it worse if The Onion DIDN'T make fun of your uniforms. That would mean they were so awful, the fake-newspaper would feel like it was kicking a cancerous puppy while it was slowly gasping its last breath. So don't worry, blogger! Your Steelers are doing just fine!)

Monday, October 29, 2012

Personally, I Prefer Strawberry


Troy: "Mr. Lewis. Do you prefer chocolate or vanilla and who do you think is going to win the AFC?"



I like how Ray skirted the question about who would win the AFC this year by over describing his love of chocolate ice cream. Slick like a politician.

Wednesday, October 24, 2012

NFL Quarterback Rankings

I don't really have any commentary on this link, which I found the other day and KNEW I had to share with all of you. All I'll say is that the picture of Jay Cutler made me laugh for a solid minute and a half.

Your Team is Bad, and You Should Feel Bad

The Cleveland Browns are the biggest joke in the NFL. I'm pretty sure that even when the Lions had their "perfect season" where they didn't win a single game, they wrote it off as a fluke and told themselves, "Hey, man, at least we're not the Browns."

Browns fans are GREAT at holding a grudge for decades. Like Baltimore Colts fans, Cleveland fans are STILL angry that their team abandoned them, being sold to Baltimore under a new name and eventually winning a Super Bowl a few years later. When the Browns reformed, they just...they weren't the same anymore. (For a more detailed history of the Browns and why they're awful, go to Google.) Their fans - the "dawg pound" - started wearing bags over their heads at games. Games were blacked out IN THEIR OWN CITY. (When the Ravens-Texas game was taken off CBS's national coverage and switched to another game, I drunkenly moaned, "Now I know how Browns fans feel!")

It's bad enough that the city of Cleveland doesn't really have anything going for it, as illustrated by this silly (and catchy) "travel ad":

And this follow-up to the above "Cleveland travel ad":

So yeah. As you can see, no one likes Cleveland. And the fans have really started to give up hope. A Buzzfeed contributor wrote this article, showing how pathetic the most recent Browns game was, using .gifs to illustrate his pain. (The whiffed extra point is my favorite.)

In conclusion, I'm sorry to any Browns fans out there that read this blog. I'm sorry to residents (and former residents) of Cleveland who may be offended. Y'all are an easy target, and here I am, mercilessly kicking you when you're down. But honestly, after the way the Ravens played against the Texans, I need a Charlie Brown to make me feel better about my miserable team.

The Five Stages of Grief: Denial

Anyone who saw Sunday's Ravens game against the Texans knows not to mention the game to Ravens fans. It was...I don't want to say "indescribably bad," because I CAN describe how bad it was, just not in words that can be used in polite company. I'll just say that I got MUCH drunker than I had intended to (ended up snoozing in my car in the bar's parking lot) and took my glasses off after the second quarter. (I need them to see the TV from my perch 10 feet away.)

Fuzzy-eyed, despondent, and furious after my phone died and I could no longer tweet my frustrations (plus, I'm a belligerent drunk), I felt only a sliver of the negative emotions the players must have felt when they realized that their game was absolutely FUBAR.

Torrey Smith understands my pain (Source)

Imagine being Ray Lewis! He just had surgery and couldn't fly with his team to cheer and coach from the sideline. He's getting on in years, and he knows he isn't playing his best anymore. This year could be his last shot at getting a second Super Bowl ring to adorn his manly hands. Despite the rough beginning to this season, his team is still 5-1, and Sizzle, the explosive soul of the team, is back! Ray knows the Ravens might not win, but he still expects a good, hard-fought, close game.

Then THAT happened.

Who can blame Ray for denying that their game against the Texans ever happened? Certainly not Troy; he's too polite to push the subject any further. Certainly not James; he's too brain dead from years of hard, mostly-illegal hits. I'm surprised he can still speak. The only comforts the Ravens can take to bed with them at night are that they're still #1 in the AFC North, least they're not the Browns.

Saturday, October 20, 2012

Stone Cold Lock of the Century (of the Week)

Carl of "Aqua Teen Hunger Force" picks the Houston Texans to beat the Ravens this week and drops a little poetry on us.

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Bizarro World

Now that Ray Lewis is out for the rest of the 2012 season (but not retiring...yet), he obviously has a lot of time to think and watch other teams play football. And he's noticed a disturbing trend. The AFC North is in shambles, with the Bengals and the Steelers tied for second, two games behind the Ravens. (The Browns, as always, are at the bottom of the deck with just one win (against Cincinnati) so far this season. At least SOMETHING is constant in our lives.) Perhaps most shocking of all, however, is that the NFC division - usually a group of one or two good teams per division (except the NFC West, which is just terrible) - has more teams with winning records so far this year than the AFC does. (Only the Ravens and the Texans have winning records...and they play each other this upcoming Sunday.)

As Chase Stuart notes in his blog entry for The New York Times, the NFL is supposed to be a "parity-filled league in which any team could win on a given Sunday." As long as I've paid attention to football, however, it hasn't been that way. Everyone knows the Browns and the Bears stink. The NFC West is a joke. (Heck, the Seahawks went to the play-offs in 2011 with a LOSING RECORD!) And most football fans can name multiple quarterbacks and players who find any way to defeat themselves and give the game to the other team. (*cough*TonyRomo*cough*)

No wonder Ray is so worried! Everything he knows about football is being turned on its head, including the size of his former defensive coordinator Coach Rex "Fatty" Ryan! (See below for shocking weight loss photos. Seriously, I had totally forgotten how morbidly obese he used to be. Oy.)


Hopefully everything will right itself soon. The Steelers will return to dominance and fight with the Ravens for the title of AFC North Champion, leaving the Bengals and the Browns deeply in the dust. The Ravens' defense will get back to its previous strength while the offense continues to improve and stay on top of its game. Other leaders in the AFC will remember that they're being paid millions of dollars to win instead of bringing shame upon their home cities. And hopefully the only thing that DOESN'T change is the Patriots losing. Because to hell with Tom Brady.

Monday, October 15, 2012


Ray Lewis is out for the rest of the 2012 NFL season. He tore his right triceps muscle in the (embarrassing) game against the Cowboys on 10/14, and now he'll have to stand on the sideline, his arm in a sling, unable to scramble around the field, waiting for that one, beautiful moment when his body collides with someone else's, causing an deafening CRACK! to echo through the stadium.

Analysts and fans are debating whether or not the Ravens' struggling (to be polite) defense will actually miss Ray Lewis, as he isn't as on top of the game as he used to be. (Although his stats could suggest otherwise.) Honestly, I believe that we're missing the impact of Terrell Suggs (ACL) and Jarrett Johnson (stupidly traded to another team) more, but we'll see if Ray's absence from the field is noticeable. Ray Rice has done a commendable job doing the "Ray Lewis Dance" when coming out of the tunnel, and the elder Ray can still give his inspirational speeches to the other players and offer assistance from the sidelines.

But what everyone REALLY wants to know is...will Ray Lewis retire after this season? Has he finally accepted his mortality and that a player of his passion and caliber can't play for so long without being left behind? If the Ravens somehow win a ring this year, he'll get one, and perhaps retirement won't sting so much. But if they don't....he'll have to make do with one and wonder if he wasted all these years in Baltimore chasing something that just wasn't meant to be.

Looks Like I'll Need A New Tag for the Blog

Shawn came to visit me this morning, casually telling me to Google news for "Alameda Ta'amu," a rookie lineman for the Pittsburgh Steelers. Intrigued, I did so while he waited to see what my reaction would be. It turns out that the 22-year-old decided to go on a balls-to-the-wall crime spree.

Here's the run-down for people who don't want to click on the link:

Ta'amu was drunk driving (blowing a 0.196) in a busy part of Pburgh at night. He was swerving over the double-yellow and hitting parked cars, including one that had a woman in it. (She had to go to the hospital with "severe swelling to the head.") Off-duty police officers ran after him, guns drawn, yelling for him to stop. He didn't. His car finally got totaled enough that he jumped out and ran off, removing his shirt in the process.

The cops finally cornered him in a parking lot. It took two sets of handcuffs and two punches to the head to subdue him enough to make the final arrest. He paid his $25,000 bail and has been released.

Winning comment from an ESPN article about the "incident":

PensFaninFL3: "Quickest way to end a possibly promising Steelers career. The Bengals might be interested in him now, though." - October 15 2012, 5:41 AM
And winner for Understatement of the Year goes to the Steelers GM Kevin Colbert, who had this to say about his player's actions: "We are disappointed to hear about the situation regarding Alameda Ta'amu."

Friday, October 12, 2012

Bobble Bobble Bobble

It took a MONTH for these guys to arrive in Denver from Baltimore, perhaps due to my mailman's "laziness" (the word a Baltimore postal employee used), but they're worth the wait.

Behold, Terrell Suggs (sans teeth) and Torrey Smith (dreads included).

Keepin' up with the Kids


Troy: "Mr. Lewis, I hear that your weight loss has made it difficult for you to hold up against the run. Is that true?"


Troy: "Retire?"


James Harrison: "JAMES MISS TROY!"

Troy: "I miss you too, Mr. Harrison."

Troy is simply pointing out what everyone in the NFL is whispering. "Ray's lost a step." "He shouldn't have lost all that weight." "The Ravens are the 29th-ranked defense in the league because Ray isn't the force he used to be."

Ray, however, doesn't listen to the criticism. He's a team player, first and foremost, and believes that while there's still room for improvement, his team has a winning record, and in terms of things like the race to the Super Bowl, that's what matters this early in the season.

PS: Shawn has decided that he likes the addition of little James Harrison has a non-sequitor-spewing, Hulk-talking guest star. So until we get bored of him, he'll be sticking around for a while.

Monday, October 8, 2012

Michael Vick Needs Better Insurance

Troy played for the first time this season against the Philadelphia Eagles. He had a calf injury which kept him sullenly on the sidelines. Shawn was very excited to have him back, as the Steelers, before this game, were an improbable 1-2. Also returning to the world of hard hits was James Harrison, a man that Shawn and I agree is a terrible human being with no soul, no conscience, and an uncanny ability to destroy other human beings with merciless accuracy. It's obvious that Michael Vick's offensive line apparently hates him. (I'm having difficulty finding statistics on the number of times he's been sacked/knocked down so far this year, so here's a .gif of Ziggy Hood doing a dance after destroying poor Michael during Sunday's game.) The fact that Michael Vick isn't dead, in traction, or seriously mentally damaged is a large miracle.

Unfortunately, Troy injured his calf again during the game; it's uncertain when he'll be able to return. :(

Ray and Science

Troy is very sweet to congratulate (although not TOO much; he IS a Steeler after all) Ray and the Ravens on their winning record 4 weeks into the season. Of course, a perfectionist like Ray Lewis could never be satisfied with only a 75% success rate! Luckily for him, science exists and with it, time travel. Granted, I don't think Ray fully understands the ethical issues with changing the past, but I also don't think he cares.

(Note: I tried several times over the last few days to post this from my Blogger app, but it didn't work, so now the Ravens' record in the photo is out of date. We're currently 4-1 after BARELY squeaking out a win against the Chiefs.)