Friday, November 30, 2012

Ray Vs. Troy FOR REAL

Ray Lewis and Troy Polamalu are as well-know for their commercials off the field as they are for their feats of strength and prowess on the field. But WHO reigns SUPREME?! WHO is the King of the Commercials? His Highness of Hawking Stuff? I'll let you all decide...

We'll begin with Ray Lewis' most recent (and, in my opinion, most HILARIOUS) commercial about player safety. In it a mother thanks Tom Brady and a doctor for creating technology to protect football players like her son. While the internet seethed with rage about the "fakeness" of the commercial (scroll to the middle of the page for the section in question), others can at least enjoy the humor of the "twist ending."

Next let's counter with one of the original Troy commercials for Head & Shoulders. The company actually insured Troy's long, luscious, full-bodied locks for $1 million through Lloyd's of London, which also holds policies for Jennifer Lopez's butt. Is Troy's hair worthy enough to invest such a large sum of money?

I'd love to know if that's all his real hair, and they just teased it out for the commercial.
Also, I'm jealous. SO. JEALOUS.

This next Ray Lewis video is but one in a series of hilarious ads for Madden 13 by EA Sports. In it, Ray Lewis casually plays the game with real-life Steelers fan Paul Rudd (a total dreamboat). While there were many to choose from, this was Shawn's favorite.

Shawn's wife, after seeing this commercial and a few videos of Ray Ray on the field: "How is Paul Rudd still alive?!"

I'll end Troy's run with this delightful, recent advertisement featuring Troy's new school The Troy Polamalu School of Deeper Learning. (Perhaps a response to Sizzle's Ball So Hard University?) There are SO MANY great commercials in this series, but I chose this one because it's one that you've more than likely seen on your TV. I highly recommend watching "Advanced Music Appreciation." Troy and guest Brett Keisel use Spanish accents. It's...brilliantly moving.

The best was, of course, saved for last. Perhaps the best-known of Ray Lewis' commercials, this is the one that proverbially "started it all." It's his EPIC ad for Old Spice Swagger body wash. In it, Ray wears nothing but a mass of bubbles, rides a giant raven, and uses the raven's laser eyes to destroy Saturn. How can you beat that?!


Shawn's Despair

As you ALL know, the second Ravens-Steelers game is this Sunday. I'll be at my usual sports bar, screaming like a mad woman and wearing my uniform. Shawn prefers to stay at home watching NFL Network in his home office because "Steelers fans are fucking awful people."

He and I just finished a conversation about how he can't get excited for the game because Big Ben won't be playing, and that means they're stuck with Charlie Batch. (The decision apparently has nothing to do with the possibility of Ben being stabbed to death by his own dislocated rib, but rather because his arm strength isn't yet up to par.) Because of the travesty that was their performance in the game against the Browns, dreamy enemy head coach Mike Tomlin has benched Rashard Mendenhall and Mike Wallace. This is especially bad news bears for Wallace, as he's been angling for "Larry Fitzgerald money" all season. I somehow doubt he'll get his desired raise.

I suggested to Shawn the one way to enjoy the game was to switch allegiances and cheer for the Ravens. "How can I enjoy a game like that?" he asked. "What joy could I take in defeating an old, broken group of players?" "Just do what the rest of Ravens fans do," I sang as I skipped away from his office. "Take whatever you can get and focus on that W on your record!"

Tuesday, November 27, 2012

Shut Up.

Much can be said about the Cleveland Browns, most of which I've already ranted about in this blog. However, they were lucky enough to play against the Steelers' third-string quarterback Charlie "Cluster-F" Batch last Sunday, so they were able to eke out a win. (20-14) I couldn't talk *too* much shit, as I hadn't watched their game OR ours, due to my being in an awesome play. Luckily, our colleague Jan, the lonely Browns fan in our midst, was able to step up and cheer (for once).

School name and Shawn's last name blacked-out to protect the innocent. ;p

Shawn and I discussed the Steelers' chances of making the playoffs. Here's Shawn's take:

"Our season isn't over just yet. At 6-6 we actually are in control of one of the wild card spots. Winning out against Bmore, Cincy, Cleveland, and Dallas has us in the playoffs. If we can do so AND get some of our guys back healthy, we will be as dangerous as anyone in the playoffs."(edited for capitalization)

And here's my take:

"I always forget how the stupid wildcard spots work. Usually around this point in the season, everyone's all 'If the Steelers beat this team and that team loses to this other team and the moon is in alignment with Aquarius after Lindsay Lohan has her third DUI in three weeks, then the Steelers will get to be the wild card in the AFC and play at this stadium. HOWEVER, if the Steelers beat this team, and that team WINS against this other team and I forget to tie my shoes on Monday morning because my dog had to go to the bathroom, then the Steelers will fall into a dark abyss in the middle of their last game, much like they did in that Batman movie.' The statistics and math in sports is some of the most ridiculous, confusing stuff I have to deal with as a fan."

Monday, November 26, 2012

The Ravens are Going to Give All of Their Fans Heart Attacks

According to my many sources (drunk friends & Twitter), yesterday's game against the Chargers was one of the more stressful games of the season, which is saying something considering how many stressful games we've had so far. We went into overtime and only won thanks to the amazingness of Ray Rice, Torrey Smith, and crazy man kicker Justin "JTuck" Tucker. I was lucky enough to miss the stress and only catch the last few minutes of overtime on my Droid Ravens app (which I recommend!), as I was busy acting in a matinee performance of "It's A Wonderful Life: A Radio Play." I'm one of the leads, and I'm getting paid. It's pretty awesome.

We play the Steelers next week, which means that I'm going to get excessively drunk and possibly depressed again. Rumor is that Big Ben will be back, leaving Leftwich to nurse his broken ribs and Batch to disappear once again into third-stringer obscurity. Shawn and I (he more so than I obviously) are worried that Pittsburgh is rushing Ben back into the game too soon after his recent injury. We understand WHY the Steelers are making this move, but even with the Ravens' defense missing its hard-hitting players and having others in less-than-stellar form, we're still going to be playing with a very physical need to sweep the Steelers for the second year in a row. While I dislike Ben as a person and as a division rival, I don't want him to be crippled for the rest of his life. It'd be nice if Benjamin Roethlisberger, Jr. (actual name) could play with his dad without getting wounded by whatever prosthetic the old man will have.

Congrats to Ben and his family however. Here's hoping that fatherhood mellows him out and causes him to make better choices as a human being.

Sunday, November 25, 2012

Ravens > Theatre

I've been acting since I was in 3rd grade. I have a bachelor's degree in theatre. If you Google me, you'll see numerous reviews and publicity photos. I'm currently being paid (for the first time in my acting career) to play various parts in "It's A Wonderful Life: A Radio Play" at the Sherman Street Events Center in downtown Denver. (If you're in the area, for info.)

However, the Ravens are playing the Chargers today during the time of my matinee. My call is at 1:00pm Mountain Time; the game is at 2:00pm MT. I WAS just going to throw on a tee shirt & jeans, but as I told my fiance, "It's game day, bro." Some things are more important than looking "normal" in front of colleagues/the general public. Obviously, I'll be in costume for the show, but until that time comes, I'm rocking my Ravens uniform, showing solidarity with my purple brethren.

Wednesday, November 21, 2012

We Give Thanks

Putting aside the politics of Thanksgiving - the Pilgrims' treatment of the Native Americans, the failures of the first settlements, and the crass consumerism and violence of Black Friday - it's a pretty nice holiday. Everyone watches football, eats too much food, and gets into awkward family conversations that inevitably to drinking too much alcohol and occasionally, weeping. (At least, that's what I'm led to believe happens thanks to television and film.) Today the boys (with special guest Big Ben) tell each other what they're most thankful for.

For those who live under a rock/don't follow the Ravens and may not have heard, Ravens safety Ed Reed was initially suspended by the league for an illegal hit during the Ravens-Steelers game on 11/18. (I watched the game, and honestly, while it was a HARD hit, I don't know that it was necessarily a dirty one.) After an appeal, Ed had the suspension reversed and now only needs to pay a $50,000 fine. Being Ed Reed though, he's complaining about having to pay a fine at all. (Seriously, bro, keep your mouth shut. We need you to play the Chargers!) My opinions on the league's new no-tolerance rules against defensive players for certain kids of hits may be expanded upon at a later date and time, so I'll say no more than I think Ed's lucky that the fine is all he got.

Happy Thanksgiving to one and all! Enjoy watching the Lions, Cowboys, and Jets fail miserably on Thanksgiving as they (the first two teams anyway) do every year.

Sunday, November 18, 2012

Because A Player's Health Isn't as Important as A Rivalry

Ben Rosen (@Rosen) tweeted at 9:21 AM on Sun, Nov 18, 2012:

Ryan Clark has had 2 concussions in 3 games. He's playing tonight with a "special helmet"...which I assume he'll be wearing a lot in his 50s

Friday, November 16, 2012

The First Most Important Purple Friday of the Regular Season


Troy: "Good luck this weekend Mr. Lewis. Big Ben or not, your team is going to have their hands full with the #1 pass defense in the league."


James: "James eat rice!"

Obviously, James's comment is in reference to star running back Ray Rice, who I"m hoping is able to slide past the Steelers defenders and get us some major points on the board.

Ray's reference is to his pre-game chant, which hypes up both the players and fans alike.

I plan on being annihilated on Sunday night and possibly hung over on Monday morning. I don't do well with Ravens-Steelers games, as the pressure is always on, and the game always a close one. We're lucky that Ben is out, along with other key Steelers players, but we're also lacking a lot of things, and this season has been weird and rough. Honestly? As usual, it's a toss-up.

Tuesday, November 13, 2012

Another One Bites the Dust

...Alternative title, based on James's contribution to the conversation: "Forever Alone."

Big Ben joins a new gentlemen's association that I like to call The Sideliners Club. After squeaking out a win in overtime against the Kansas City Chiefs, it was revealed that Big Ben's shoulder injury is more serious than everyone previously thought. While I dislike when any player gets injured, I'm pretty stoked about this one, I have to say. After all, the Ravens do SIGNIFICANTLY better against the Steelers when they're playing a back-up quarterback, and considering the stressful year we're having, I could use a relatively easy Ravens-Steelers match-up next week.

Injured Ravens Players

1. Lardarius Webb, arguably one of the best guys we have on defense off the line
2. Ray Lewis, the "heart and soul" of the team, although he'd been slowing up as his age caught up to him
3. Bobby Rainey showed some real talent as Ray Rice's back-up/mini-me

Injured Steelers Players

1. Antonio Brown
2. Rashard Mendenhall
3. Troy Polamalu
4. Let's be real...ever since coming back, James Harrison hasn't been performing the same as before his injury (although I'd never tell HIM that!)

It'll be interesting to see how next Sunday night's match-up between these two bitter rivals will go. All I can say definitively is that I will be severely hung over come Monday morning.

PS: I'm just gonna leave this hilarious comic strip of love right here:

Monday, November 12, 2012

Happy Veterans Day, Shawn!

And a happy Veterans Day to all the other men, women, and DOGS! (because they're vets too) who have fought abroad for freedoms that we all take for granted. Special love to my two vets Mike and Pat; I'm VERY glad that you're both home safely. And much respect to Kevin, our school's HR Director, who is also a vet and has a pic in his office of him and his brothers-in-arms hanging out with Robin Williams. No big deal.

The boys give Shawn a special shout-out today for his service doing IT work in the Air Force in Iraq. To be honest, we could end a LOT of wars by sending James Harrison into enemy camps by himself. Just toss an unwitting terrorist a football and say, "Sic him, James!" and the rest will take care of itself.

Transcribed note from Shawn in upper right corner:

"Thanks guys! And thank you to everyone that paid taxes while I was in!"

Tuesday, November 6, 2012

James's Opus


James: "Gentlemen, It is my sincere hope that on this, the day of election in our great nation, we can set aside our differences and find common ground. We can cast aside the miniscule abnormalities that have come to set us against each other in a battle of spirit, determination, and wits. We can forgo the unnecessary shackles of Red, Blue, Purple, and Gold to join as one voice. One voice that clearly declares Rex Ryan as the most overrated coach in the league! Thank you, my dear sirs. Thank you."

Shawn is out of control.

I am tickled pink that James finally had his moment to shine. As I wait to cast my first ballot as a Coloradan, a tear comes to my eye thinking about how James is trying to unite ALL parties - Republican, Democrat, Ravens fans, and Steelers fans.

I think we can also ALL agree - even Jets fans - that Rex Ryan needs to STFU and get his QBs to actually learn how to win games.

Also, this is what James's speech reminds me of: