Wednesday, October 23, 2013

How Very Unlike You, Troy

Crudely-Drawn Steelers Coach Mike Tomlin: "Polamalu! What the hell was that ridiculously early jump last night? [Sunday's late game] It's unlike you! Do you need a concussion test?!"
Crudely-Drawn Troy Polamalu: "Coach, please remember that this is a game. We are lucky to be part of it and should enjoy doing it. I enjoy jumping over the o-line. What do you enjoy?"
C-DSCMT: "Not getting penalties."
C-DTP: "Oh...

Non-supportive Husband Steve: "Why don't you have pictures of them instead of drawings?"
Me: "Because I didn't have the time to Google image search appropriate pictures of the two of them, print them out, cut them to an appropriate size, and then put them on the white board."
Supportive Husband Steve: "The drawings look nice."

Sunday, October 20, 2013

I Don't Even Know I Can't Even

I want to start off by saying that I OBVIOUSLY should have written this post sooner, like, well before the game instead of well after. But I'd like to blame Shawn (because it's easy) for my slacking, as he was out of the office on Thursday and Friday (I'm sure with a legit reason), so I couldn't really get into a shit-talking mood. Good thing, turns out.

This Ravens - Steelers game was uglier than the population of Pittsburgh. Both sides were awful, but it turns out, the Ravens were more awful. Let's not discuss the on-side kick that was ruined by an offside penalty and by MVP of the Year Justin Tucker touching the damn thing too early then getting SMOKED while he was trying to recover it. (1:22 shows the close-up.) 

Then you have Troy COMPLETELY blowing the timing on a field goal snap. It wasn't his first misread of the game, although it was certainly the most "WTF" to watch. Because he's been spending too much energy trying to read the QB's/snapper's minds, I think he's started living 3 seconds in the future. (That's a thing, right?)

So here's what Shawn wrote as a way of...I don't know...trying to be clever. I spent most of the week in a simmering, art school kid seethe about it. I mean, if you're going to write a parody of a form poem, you need to actually maintain the form (meter, rhyme scheme, etc.). But whatever. The rhyming got better towards the end, and as Shawn said, "YOU try writing something creative in two minutes!" Please see my (unfinished, thanks to a creativity drain at the end of the week) poem at the end of this post. It took me one minute to write.

"Twas the week before the Ravens Steelers game and not a player was stirring, not even a Ryan Clark Twitter posting. The jock straps were tightened with care in hopes that no fumble pile crotch shots would be there. The coaches were nestled all snug in their film rooms with visions of helmet-to-helmet collisions and Troy's flowing hair. When out on the ketchup field arose such a clatter as Brett Keisel's beard shouted, "Whatsa matter?" Joe Flacco sprang from the pocket with a flash to throw another check down to Ray Rice at the hash. Lawrence Timmons screamed, "On Haywood, on Taylor, on Williams and Jones RIP apart these damn Ravens, tear their skin from their bones!"

Nikki's Poem
Twas the night before game day
and all through the streets,
not a person was shit-talking,
not even Ryan Clark's tweets.

Terrible Towels
were strung far and wide
so crying Steelers fans
had somewhere to hide.

The Ravens were sleeping
all snug in their nest,
dreaming of last year
when they were the best.

Perhaps I'll finish writing this poem for the Thanksgiving Night game...WHICH I'LL BE ATTENDING AT HOME IN BALTIMORE BECAUSE MY DADDY GOT ME TICKETS!!!!!!...but we'll see.

Friday, October 18, 2013

INTERRUPTION: Marshall is the Weirdest

This is Marshall. He works in our finance department. Tracy sent these pictures to me via email with the subject heading "KSPH 301 Disc Jockey." I mentioned that it was funny because he was wearing Ravens purple AND Steelers yellow (well, a lighter version). Being a hardcore Broncos fan, Marshall disliked my comments.

I guess this is him arguing with someone on the "radio" line about fantasy football?

UPDATE: Tracy told me that Marshall was wearing purple for Spirit Day, which aims to raise awareness about and eradicate bullying, specifically of LGBT youth. I'm an active ally of the LGBT movement, but it's been a bad week for me, so the day completely slipped under my radar. Ironically, I wasn't wearing purple yesterday, so I wasn't even "accidentally" participating. Today being Purple Friday, however, I am rockin' a purple tee and a purple tank under it. So I "missed it" by one day.

Good on Marshall for wanting to show support for a very important cause though.

Friday, October 11, 2013

A Vocabulary Lesson with Mr. Lewis - Part Two

The vocabulary lesson finishes with three more useful terms for all NFL fans to know. We're going to start with a word that's been around about as long as "Romo" has and is about a quarterback who's just as marinated in failure as Tony Romo is.

I don't need to tell you how ridiculous Mark Sanchez is. Look up any of my blog entries that are tagged "lolJets" or "Mark Sanchez," you'll get a brief intro to the world of awful he lives in. Therefore, I won't even bother going any further in this definition and just leave you with this tweet by one of my favorite satirical Twitter accounts:
Ravens fans will NEVER forgive He Who Shall Not Be Named (Billy Cundiff) for being the sole (don't argue with us on this point) reason that the team didn't win the AFC Championship game in 2011. His wide-left whiff field goal attempt broke hearts across the world.

I literally choked on my own spit when I saw that this video existed.

Any time an opposing kicker lines up for a field goal, we all chant for a "Cundiff," hoping the kicker shames his team mates and his family members by screwing up and costing his team crucial points.

That beautiful picture is a great transition into our final definition: Bradying. The term comes from an unofficial rule NFL referees have seemingly made up that protects a quarterback (except for Ben Roethlisberger or Joe Flacco or anyone else who can actually take a hit) from being touched during games. If you hurt the QB, then what's the point of even finishing the game? The incident that truly embodies this rule happened in 2008 when safety Bernard Pollard (then with the Kansas City Chiefs) slammed into Tom Brady and ended the superstar's season. After Brady returned, there was a long period of time when a defensive player couldn't even THINK of MAYBE hitting Tommy Boy or else they'd get called for a personal foul.
Example: "Terrell Suggs was fined $250,000 today for Bradying before the AFC Championship game. Said the hard-hitter, 'I guess I sneezed too close to Tom, and the slight breeze it created messed up his hair. This s**t is getting ridiculous.'"

A Vocabulary Lesson with Mr. Lewis - Part One

*Note: The black blob in the upper left corner is my email address. I blocked it out for obvious reasons.

If you're a fan of professional football, you probably know that many former super stars are now considered the butts of many jokes. Their names have now become synonymous with failure. The players listed here are only a few examples. Please feel free to comment below if you have different definitions than I do.

Eli Manning has been a big bundle of failure this season. The Giants are winless, and Eli has thrown so many interceptions that he's been MVP for every team he's played against. If you want to save yourself characters on Twitter or just time speaking, use "Eli" in place of "interception."
Example: "Ugh! I can't believe that Joe Flacco just thew an Eli! So frustrating!"
Tony Romo has great stats when you JUST look at his stats. When you look at how he is as a "leader" for his team, however, you realize that he's a joke. His inability to close games and carry his team to the playoffs has been a thorn in the side of Cowboys fans across the nation. But until Jerry Jones dies/is violently overthrown in a coupe, Tony is the team's quarterback.
It's my understanding that unlike Tony Romo, Matt Schaub used to be a decent quarterback. I mean, yeah the Texans haven't won a Super Bowl recently, know...when you compare him (or anyone else, really) to Tony Romo, he's pretty elite. This year, that all changed. Matt's been throwing turnovers/pick-sixes like it's going out of style (which it really should), much to the rage of Texans fans. Click on this perfectly "Schaub" picture below to read a satirical take on Matt Schaub's suckiness.
Example: "Tony Romo TOTALLY pulled a Romo when he Schaubed at the end of the game."

Thursday, October 3, 2013

The Apocalypse is Coming

Brainstorm: Top 10 Signs the Apocalypse is Coming - NFL Version

1. The Chiefs are undefeated.
2. The Steelers are 0-4 for the first time in 45 years.
3. The Browns have won 2 games in a row, are at the "top" of the AFC North. (2nd behind Ravens)
4. Tom Brady is struggling to beat teams by 20 points.
5. Rex Ryan is relatively "thin."
6. Roddy White is stinking it up.
7. Eagles fans cheered for Donovan McNabb and Andy Reid.
8. Despite his best efforts, Shawn still hasn't won a fantasy football game.
9. Meanwhile, Marshall is winning the league.
10. Nikki would rather be outside than watch football.

*Tim Tebow is no longer in the NFL this year...COINCIDENCE?

Nikki Post: Justin Tucker is the Absolute DREAMIEST

Justin Tucker, the Ravens' Super Bowl-winning kicker who beat out He-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named-But-Can-Only-Make-A-Field-Goal-When-the-AFC-Championship-Isn't-on-the-Line for the position in 2012, is a man of many talents and quirks. He sings opera to his teammates in the locker room, much to their amusement. He, Morgan Cox (long snapper, and Sam Koch (punter) formed their own "three-man wolf pack." One of his pre-game rituals is to lay his entire uniform - pads and all - on the floor and walk around it neurotically. He's pretty much my favorite player on the team.

Dr. Pepper has recently released an awesome video of Justin showcasing his musical talents. Ladies and gentlemen, may I present Justin Tucker, the Ravens' phenomenal kicker.