Keepin' up with the Kids

Transcript

Troy: "Mr. Lewis, I hear that your weight loss has made it difficult for you to hold up against the run. Is that true?"

Ray: "TROY, MAN, I'VE TRIED EVERYTHING TO KEEP UP WITH THESE KIDS, BUT THEY'RE TOO FAST! I'VE GAINED MUSCLE, LOST WEIGHT, PAID T.O. $100 TO LET ME CHASE HIM, RUN THROUGH QUICKSAND, AND EVEN ATE A CHEETAH - BONES, FUR, AND ALL - TO GET ITS SPEED! I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!"

Troy: "Retire?"

Ray: "YOU'RE ONE TO TALK!!"

James Harrison: "JAMES MISS TROY!"

Troy: "I miss you too, Mr. Harrison."

Troy is simply pointing out what everyone in the NFL is whispering. "Ray's lost a step." "He shouldn't have lost all that weight." "The Ravens are the 29th-ranked defense in the league because Ray isn't the force he used to be."

Ray, however, doesn't listen to the criticism. He's a team player, first and foremost, and believes that while there's still room for improvement, his team has a winning record, and in terms of things like the race to the Super Bowl, that's what matters this early in the season.

PS: Shawn has decided that he likes the addition of little James Harrison has a non-sequitor-spewing, Hulk-talking guest star. So until we get bored of him, he'll be sticking around for a while.

Ray and Science

Troy is very sweet to congratulate (although not TOO much; he IS a Steeler after all) Ray and the Ravens on their winning record 4 weeks into the season. Of course, a perfectionist like Ray Lewis could never be satisfied with only a 75% success rate! Luckily for him, science exists and with it, time travel. Granted, I don't think Ray fully understands the ethical issues with changing the past, but I also don't think he cares.

(Note: I tried several times over the last few days to post this from my Blogger app, but it didn't work, so now the Ravens' record in the photo is out of date. We're currently 4-1 after BARELY squeaking out a win against the Chiefs.)

NO! SLEEP! TIL THE SUPER BOWL!

Transcript

Troy: "Mr. Lewis, I'm worried about you and the Ravens. You had a very stressful game Sunday night against the Patriots. You play again this Thursday, and don't have a bye til week 8. How will you stay energized? When will you rest?"

Ray: "TROY! SLEEP IS FOR THE WEAK! I HAVEN'T SLEPT IN 7 YEARS! I FIGURED WITH HOW YOU PLAY YOU KNEW THIS."

Troy: "I'm sorry to be offended, Mr. Lewis, but what are you insinuating?"

Ray: "REAL MEN DON'T SLEEP"

Troy: "We'll have to agree to disagree."

No Harm Shall Come to Tom Brady

Transcript:

Troy: "Mr. Lewis, Tom Brady and the Patriots are in town for you on Sunday night. I bet they are upset over their loss last week, and they don't lose back to back games. Any plans to change that?"


Ray: "STATISTICALLY SPEAKING, TROY, YOU'RE RIGHT! WE ALREADY HAVE HOME FIELD ADVANTAGE, THOUGH, AND I'M GONNA KIDNAP ALL THE TIGHT ENDS TO GUARANTEE A RAVENS WIN!"

Troy: "Why not just kidnap Tom Brady?"

Ray: "WHOA, TROY! THAT'S A FEDERAL CRIME! I'D GET THE CHAIR FOR THAT!"

*Shawn wanted me to add a note stating that he doesn't think that Troy would suggest that Ray kidnap anyone, particularly a fellow football player. However, I was running out of room and needed Troy to bring up Brady so I could give Ray's punchline.

For those who may not know much about football, Tom Brady is regarded as something of a god in the NFL. He has his own rule to make sure he doesn't get hurt. (I don't know how often it gets called for other quarterbacks, however.) Of course, to fans, he's considered a pansy. I mean, the man MODELS UGGS, people. Seriously. (Warning: the pansy link takes you to a hilarious Yahoo! answers page. Naughty language and a complete slaughtering of the English language are present.)

This will be a great revenge match for the Ravens, as the Patriots were the reason we didn't get to go to the Super Bowl last year. Between Lee Evans's dropped pass and Billy Cundiff's missed field goal (I'm honestly surprised that he didn't receive death threats), the game was an absolute heart-breaker. The Ravens will also be "upset," as Troy so mildly put it.

Also!! My mom's going to be in town for the game! I'll probably post a picture of us in our "uniforms" on Sunday.

A Proper Update

So obviously I waited a little too close to game time to update the blog properly with the usual ...impartiality that I try to have on here. I'm going to leave the original post as-is since the Ravens really did dominate the Bengals on Monday Night Football like they were playing a pee-wee football league, but here's how the update SHOULD have gone:

Me: "What the hell, Shawn?"
Shawn: "I was on my way into work, and I really had to pee, and I thought about what would happen if Ray had to pee before a game, but he was all suited up already."
Me: "..."
Shawn: "I'm not awake yet. Leave me alone."

My fiancee Steve, later that day: "Looks like Ray has a case of stage fright."

WHAT TIME IS IT?!

Ok, so I'm a little late with this update, what with my team DOMINATING in the first quarter (that first Joe Flacco ROCKET to Torrey Smith? A thing of beauty...BEAUTY)

AHHHHHHH!! Q! BEAUTIFUL TD CATCH IN THE SECOND!

*cough* Anyway, this is how Shawn sees Ray preparing for a game. This pic was taken on Friday morning, and I wanted to save it for right before game time.

How to Fix an Offense on the Cheap

It's really nice of Troy to be so concerned about the Ravens' offensive line issues leading up to the start of the season. Ray, as always, is staying positive that the Ravens will get their problems solved in time for the big day. Honestly, I'm a little more worried about our defense! Losing T-Sizzle to the PUP list and having a secondary that makes me cringe could make the Ravens' D look less dominant than it has in a decade. And do NOT get me started on our special teams unit!!

The Steelers, meanwhile, are dealing with issues of their own. Contract problems, sloppy pre-season playing, and the injury Troy is referencing are also adding a little drama to Pittsburgh's talk radio shows.

T.O. is once again out of a job. As an empathetic person, I feel badly for him. After all, he's got a LOT of baby mamas to support and very little income. Maybe he can get a good job on a reality show or something. You don't need talent to get one of those these days.

Ch-Ch-Ch-Chia!

Because Shawn's hand-writing is a little difficult to decipher in this post, here's a transcript:

Troy: "Mr. Lewis, I heard that as we get older it can be hard to stay in shape to play football. I heard some players eat Chia Pet seeds to retain water. How do you stay ready to play and keep grey hair away?"

Ray: "I'M GLAD THAT WE CAN TALK ABOUT THIS, TROY! I HAD A CAMEL'S HUMP SURGICALLY ADDED TO MY BACK TO RETAIN WATER, ESPECIALLY IN DRIER CLIMES! AND I HAVE A FOUNTAIN OF YOUTH IN MY HOUSE TO STAY GOOD-LOOKING!"

And yes, this is actually a thing.

It's A Brand New Ray

Ray Lewis showed up to training camp at the lightest weight he's been in years. Will it help him fight against faster tight ends and running backs?

Advice for the Rookies

Coach Harbaugh told Ray that he's a little tough on the rookies, so Ray went to Troy for advice on how to be nicer. But is Ray back to his old habits?!

From One Veteran to Another...

Ray gives Troy advice on how to be an effective leader of the younger Steelers players.

Also, Shawn needs a new dry-erase marker.