Wednesday, December 18, 2013

Sthufferin' Sthafford!

The Ravens NEEDED to win their game against the Lions in order to have a shot at the AFC Wildcard spot. Hell, they have to win ALL their games from now on to have any realistic playoff dreams whatsoever. Of the 9 Monday Night Football analysts, only 4 chose the Ravens to win, including Fearless Leader Ray Lewis. (Top contender for "World's Worst QB with a Super Bowl Ring" Trent Dilfer did NOT chose the Ravens, which meant the Ravens fans at the bar loudly booed him.)

Things were NOT looking good for the Players in Purple when it became obvious that the offense couldn't get into the end zone; it was as if they were allergic to touchdowns & success. Luckily, the Ravens have something the Lions don't have - Justin Motha Fuckin' Tucker, the greatest kicker in the NFL. JTuck was the only one putting points on our half of the scoreboard all night. Our defense had 2 key interceptions (including one that sealed the victory), but Joe and the boys couldn't close the deal. Ravens fans continued drinking heavily. At the end of the game, the Lions were up by 2. The Ravens charged down field but once again failed to deliver as Joe threw 3 incomplete passes. Rather than give his exceptionally high-paid franchise QB another shot, John Harbaugh put the Three-man Wolfpack on the field. The game was in Justin Tucker's legs.

My fan friends at the bar closed in on me, furiously rubbing the pandahat on my head for good luck, all of us looking through our fingers. I had no doubt of JTuck's abilities; I somehow knew the kick would be good, even as I feared its potential failure.

Morgan Cox with the snap. Sam Koch gets the ball laces out. Justin Tucker kicks. The pigskin goes sailing towards the Lions' uprights, dangerously leaning far right. Closer...closer...closer...OH GOD! Like a sweet, body-shuddering orgasm, the ball JUST cleared the right goal post! The kick is good! The Ravens win the game!! THE RAVENS WIN THE GAME!!

The Lions were not as happy as I was.

 **Addendum to this tweet: He's the first to "kick for the cycle" in a single game!**

They changed it back, unfortunately.

Justin was understandably cocky about the whole experience:

To end this blog, I'll leave you with some fantastic conversation blurbs I had with my friends. Enjoy!

Me: "I'm thinking that we need to take money from Flacco and give it to Justin Tucker."
Zack: "Hahaha! The evidence supporting that is insurmountable."
Me: "Steve had to explain to me how 'contracts' and 'paying kickers' works."

Me: "Twitter is calling him 'Legatron'."
Tia:  "Best name ever. Beats Megatron, who dropped three passes yesterday and did shit for the Lions."
Me: "I know! Everyone at the bar kept yelling, 'OLLLLLDDDD MAAAANNN'."
Tia:  "Give him a break. He might have forgotten to take his Metamucil or Centrum Silver. Jimmy Mutha fuckin' Smith, blockin' Calvin Johnson like Kanye blocked Taylor Swift at the VMAs!"

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