Friday, November 1, 2013

Pathetic Rivalries

Ray vs. Sylvester

Sylvester the Cat: "Sssufferin' sssucatash, Ray. When you ssspeak to sssomeone you need to ssswallow your ssspit first."

Ray Rice, not a cat: "Ssseriously Sssylvestor, I know that! The media'sss just got to make up these ssspitting ssstories to ssstir up trouble!"

I know that the Browns have been doing bizarrely well this season at being a legitimate professional football team, so perhaps it's time to take them seriously. However, I refuse to do so. I just...I can't live in a world where the Browns are contenders for at least second place in the AFC North.

Historically speaking, the Browns have tried to start legit rivalries with the other teams in the AFC North, even though we've all viewed them as the significantly-younger brother who annoys you because he wants to be just like you, but you can't be mean to them because it's just not worth it, and anyway, your mom will get mad at you.

"Let go, Brandon. You're not allowed to come to the Championship with me. I told you that."

They're "rivals" with Cincy because they're both in Ohio. Shawn: "[The Bengals] are a Carson Palmer knee away from being relevant."

They're "rivals" with the Steelers because, according to Shawn, the Browns used to be really good when they were *actually* the Browns. (See below.) But once the Browns moved to Baltimore and stopped being relevant, the Browns "had nothing to live for, so they held onto the rivalry as tightly as they could." (Again, Shawn.)

The only real rivalry they can claim in the AFC North is with Baltimore. Long story short, the Browns' former owner Art Modell decided that if Cleveland didn't want to pay for the team (which used to be good) to have a decent stadium, he was going to take them elsewhere. 

That "elsewhere" was Baltimore.

Some of the fans didn't take it as well as others did.

I'm not going to link to the story because if you're a fan of professional football, you should know about this, as it was a pretty big deal. (Like how the Baltimore Colts snuck out of Baltimore in the middle of the night in a damn Mayflower moving van. If you don't know that story either, go make Google your new bff.)

After our teams' week two game, the media lost its collective mind and ran everywhere with a story that Ray Rice purposely spit on Browns' nose tackle Phil Taylor during an altercation. The frenzy eventually died down, but now that the two teams are meeting up again this Sunday, the "scandal" has once again been brought to the forefront. Ray said that he had his mouthpiece in while was jawing at Taylor, so any spit that may have landed on Taylor was an unintentional consequence. Let's maybe step this up a bit, folks. We can do better than "your guy spit on our guy!!"

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