Ravens vs lolJets

Troy: "Mr. Lewis, It's a big week for our division! 3 teams have a shot at a wild card and 1 week from now, likely only 1 team will be left in that race. Which team do you think it will be?"
Ray: "TROY, LOYALTY MAKES ME WANNA SAY THE RAVENS, BUT WE BOTH KNOW THAT MIGHT NOT HAPPEN. THE SMART MONEY SAYS MY SON RAY III AND I WILL WIN IN A HUGE UPSET!"

I'm trying to take this season one game at a time, which is the only way I can prevent myself from becoming an alcoholic one day a week. (There's a reason I barely drink in the off-season. Friends like to tell other people who don't know me that I'm regenerating my liver between the Super Bowl and the pre-season.) I had a good reason to believe that the Ravens would beat the Jets, mainly because...well...they're the Jets. But the "any given Sunday" rule has been applying more and more this season, so I'll admit that I went into the bar with some trepidation.

Our offense was playing pretty well (relatively speaking), so I found myself actually staying sober, which was a nice change of pace. Ed Reed, however, seemed like he had some kind of vendetta against his old team members, which isn't surprising. He's Ed Reed; he always has a chip on his shoulder.

Jets S Ed Reed levels Ravens WR Jacoby Jones (GIF) http://t.co/9s9DcjZwX1
— ZombieProphet (@ZProphet_MMA) November 24, 2013

You could practically feel Jacoby's pain when Ed laid him out in the end zone.

WATCH Jacoby Jones' 66-yard touchdown catch over Ed Reed! | http://t.co/OwthjkP8u1 pic.twitter.com/rRMB3S8FMf
— Baltimore Ravens (@Ravens) November 24, 2013

But Jacoby got back at Ed by SMOKING him for a 66-yard touchdown later in the game!

Watch @TheRealJacoby12's first TD dance of the season, a nod to @DancingABC! VIDEO | http://t.co/Ivc9oXkiWO
— Baltimore Ravens (@Ravens) November 25, 2013

Then he did a dance inspired by his time on Dancing with the Stars. (His shit-eating grin after the first replay is my favorite part of the whole video.)

After the game, Ed Reed spoke to the press about how he thought the game went:

“Ed Reed: ‘It was a great football game and we had some fun.’ OK, Ed. If you say so.”

—@BrianCoz, Jets beat man Brian Costello of the New York Post, relaying one of the Bizarre Quotes of the Season from a football player. The Jets were embarrassed in Baltimore, their quarterback performed like a person stepping on a football field for the first time, they played haplessly for the second straight week, and they fell into the mire of AFC playoff mediocrity after holding a wild-card spot for the last three weeks.

(Via Monday Morning Quarterback)

I leave you now with an incredible fact about dreamy Ravens kicker and future 2013 team MVP Justin Tucker (seen in that video being badass as hell):

Justin Tucker, kicker, Baltimore. On a frigid day (20 degrees wind chill) kicking in a 26-mph crosswind, Tucker, the most efficient kicker in NFL history (minimum 50 made field goals) converted on field goals from 30, 26, 33 and 53 yards in the 19-3 rout of the woeful Jets. For his career, the University of Texas kicker is 54 of 59, a conversion rate of 91.5%.
(Via Monday Morning Quarterback)

Ed Reed Burns Bridges

Ed Reed has been talking smack since he started playing in the NFL. He doesn't give any fucks and makes sure that everyone knows it. He's a notorious media whore and has gotten in "trouble" multiple times for criticizing players and coaches he thinks are doing a poor job while never recognizing that he struggles with the same faults as many of the people he's insulting. This time, he's mouthing off about Texans' defensive coordinator Wade Phillips, specifically that Ed was fired because he told everyone that Phillips sucks.

Click the pic below to read the article about it.

I chose this picture because I really like his "Kanye Shrug".

Time to UnRAYtire

Ray: "ARRRRGHHH! THIS SEASON IS AWFUL! I'M GONNA UNRETIRE AND TAKE THE TEAM TO THE SUPER BOWL AGAIN!"
Troy: "How so, Mr. Lewis? Do you think you can play on the offensive line this time around?"

Whenever a team is doing poorly, talking heads and fans scramble to find someone to blame. I asked my husband Steve and one of my best friends Zack for their opinions about what's going wrong with the Ravens.

Steve: [Offensive Coordinator Jim Caldwell] keeps calling plays like the offensive line is competent. They were better last game. They finally called some draw plays that I had been screaming for all season, and they worked. They ran the ball to the outside. Joe rolled out to his right sometimes instead of trying to stay in the pocket. Even though the field was a mess and Chicago’s defense is pretty good, it worked. They should have been doing that all season and hopefully they will continue to do it.

Zack: [Offensive Line Coach Andy Moeller] decided to install a new blocking scheme after the old one won us a Super Bowl.  I know there were personnel changes too, but the talent is still there, so I think the o-line coaching is to blame for a lot of our offensive struggles. Well, that combined with [Cam] Cameron-esque play calling, which I can only imagine is the result of Harbaugh telling Caldwell that he wants to run this type of offense.

Apparently, I'm not the only one who thinks Ray Lewis wishes he could go back to the game...

 Not as good as the Madden ads w/him and Paul Rudd though

First Ed Reed was Cut...Then He Went Unclaimed...

First Ed Reed was cut. Then he went unclaimed. It just keeps getting worse from there: http://t.co/vSj1BNfWyZ
— NOTSportsCenter (@NOTSportsCenter) November 13, 2013

Ed Reed is now a Jet

SOURCES: Ed Reed's contract with the #Jets will allow him to take Tuesdays off to play Bingo and Thursdays off to feed the ducks at the pond
— NOTSportsCenter (@NOTSportsCenter) November 14, 2013

Ed Reed forced to sign with Jets after losing bet
— Evil Mike Tomlin (@EvilMikeTomlin) November 14, 2013

So Ed Reed just sign with the NY Jets lol! Good luck to them!
— Madison Porter (@UConnHuskyBlue3) November 14, 2013

Was really hoping Ed Reed would end his career on a high note. Too bad he decided to end up in #NewYork @nyjets
— Wayne Banks (@wbanks32) November 14, 2013

Ed Reed signed with the Jets. What have I done to deserve this!?
— Brian MacGinnis (@Batman_Bey0nd) November 14, 2013

Ed Reed isn't washed up. Texans just didn't play the man right. Jets about to prosper.
— O'Neill (@AvatarOneill) November 14, 2013

Ed reed just wasted his time going to the jets
— Christian (@Jinky2020) November 14, 2013

I'm sure Ed Reed will work out just as well for the Jets as David Garrard, Brett Favre, Ladainian Tomlinson and Santonio Holmes did.
— 210pros (@210pros) November 14, 2013

PLEASE Ed Reed come out and BALL the remainder of the season so you can silence the naysayers...
— Donte' Stallworth (@DonteStallworth) November 14, 2013

Ed Reed shoulda just retired after the Super Bowl with Ray Lewis, he's out there just tarnishing his career at this point
— Ryan Kenny (@RyanKenny23) November 14, 2013

Could the Ed Reed move be exactly what Rex needs to get the monkey off his back vs the #Ravens? A shot of confidence?
— Nick Spano (@NickSpano) November 14, 2013

sweet the jets got ed reed. not like hes an injury prone grandpa or anything
— George P (@gjp_19) November 14, 2013

The Next Step in Videobombing

Ed Reed was totally in the Ed Reed Zone, talking about Ed Reed, when Arian Foster showed up in the background on his Segway and slowly rolled past the oblivious safety. The best part is Foster's straight face and "To hell with this" look as he rolls away. Much like the butt fumble, I could watch this all day. (Source) (Also, can we pause and marvel at how awesome it is that the worst play in Mark Sanchez's career (so far?) has its own legit Wikipedia page?!)

While this is definitely my new favorite "bomb," nothing will ever replace Aaron Rodgers as the King of the Photobomb. The man is a true master of his craft; he even photobombed Brett Favre on a few occasions! Despite his affection for unfortunate mustaches, I can't help but love him.

I almost choked on my granola bar when I saw this one.
God, I hope he made those poor boys deaf...because I'm a bad person.

Pathetic Rivalries

Ray vs. Sylvester

Sylvester the Cat: "Sssufferin' sssucatash, Ray. When you ssspeak to sssomeone you need to ssswallow your ssspit first."

Ray Rice, not a cat: "Ssseriously Sssylvestor, I know that! The media'sss just got to make up these ssspitting ssstories to ssstir up trouble!"

I know that the Browns have been doing bizarrely well this season at being a legitimate professional football team, so perhaps it's time to take them seriously. However, I refuse to do so. I just...I can't live in a world where the Browns are contenders for at least second place in the AFC North.

Historically speaking, the Browns have tried to start legit rivalries with the other teams in the AFC North, even though we've all viewed them as the significantly-younger brother who annoys you because he wants to be just like you, but you can't be mean to them because it's just not worth it, and anyway, your mom will get mad at you.

"Let go, Brandon. You're not allowed to come to the Championship with me. I told you that."

They're "rivals" with Cincy because they're both in Ohio. Shawn: "[The Bengals] are a Carson Palmer knee away from being relevant."

They're "rivals" with the Steelers because, according to Shawn, the Browns used to be really good when they were *actually* the Browns. (See below.) But once the Browns moved to Baltimore and stopped being relevant, the Browns "had nothing to live for, so they held onto the rivalry as tightly as they could." (Again, Shawn.)

The only real rivalry they can claim in the AFC North is with Baltimore. Long story short, the Browns' former owner Art Modell decided that if Cleveland didn't want to pay for the team (which used to be good) to have a decent stadium, he was going to take them elsewhere. 

That "elsewhere" was Baltimore.

Some of the fans didn't take it as well as others did.

I'm not going to link to the story because if you're a fan of professional football, you should know about this, as it was a pretty big deal. (Like how the Baltimore Colts snuck out of Baltimore in the middle of the night in a damn Mayflower moving van. If you don't know that story either, go make Google your new bff.)

After our teams' week two game, the media lost its collective mind and ran everywhere with a story that Ray Rice purposely spit on Browns' nose tackle Phil Taylor during an altercation. The frenzy eventually died down, but now that the two teams are meeting up again this Sunday, the "scandal" has once again been brought to the forefront. Ray said that he had his mouthpiece in while was jawing at Taylor, so any spit that may have landed on Taylor was an unintentional consequence. Let's maybe step this up a bit, folks. We can do better than "your guy spit on our guy!!"

INTERRUPTION: There Are No Football Players Named "Nikki"

Marshall and his brother recently participated in a local charity run to raise funds for the Mountain Gorilla Conservation Fund. The Denver Gorilla Run had its 10th anniversary recently, and they wanted to make the occasion special. Their goal for this year's run was to beat the Guinness World Record for Most People Dressed as Gorillas in One Location (1,061). DGR was successful: they had 1,161 people participate!

While Marshall and his brother were walking around, they saw someone dressed in a Brandon Marshall jersey. While they were chatting with the guy to see if he'd get a picture with Marshall (name matching!), they saw someone wearing a Hines Ward jersey. As Marshall's last name is Ward, his brother got SUPER excited to have both of them take a picture with Marshall. Luckily, these strangers were game, and so the internet now has this marvelous picture of Marshall Ward with Marshall & Ward.