BONUS HILARITY!
The Twitter account for Denver International Airport has been going at it all week with the Twitter account for Seattle's Sea-Tac Airport. It's been pretty great to follow.
Troy: "As you can imagine, I am very upset that the Steelers are once again not in the Super Bowl. I don't wish to offend anyone by expressing my opinion on the matter, so I'll let my Anger Translator, On-Field Troy, do my speaking for me."
On-Field Troy: "Super Bowl? SUPER BOWL! This ain't no Super Bowl without the Steelers! Yo mamma makes a better Super Bowl after eating a gas station burrito than this!"
Yes. That word in the picture IS "better" and not "butter." The idea of a Super Bowl made of butter is hilarious and intriguing, but not what Shawn was going for.
Rumor has it that sketch comics Key & Peele got their idea for Obama's Anger Translator Luther from Troy Polamalu. I'm sure Troy was nice enough to let them use the idea without crediting him.
I've never heard Polamalu raise his voice. All over my tv. RT @LesIzMore Being a quiet defensive NFL player doesn’t get you commercials
— D'Brickashaw (@DragonflyJonez) January 22, 2014
While Troy is a lovely human being off the field, doing charity work, mentoring younger players, and donating organs to those in need, Troy ON field is a dangerous beast without any sense of morals, integrity, or respect for human life. See the videos below for a few examples of how the big-haired veteran we know and love can turn into a monster for 60 minutes every Sunday.
Much like a football-playing Superman, Troy can jump offensive lines in a single bound.
Sometimes Troy's Anger Translator gets a little...TOO intense...
Head & Shoulders isn't the only product that Troy feels passionate about!
I confess: I'm not entirely certain who I want to win the Super Bowl. On the one hand, I don't care because the Ravens aren't playing, and I'm not particularly emotionally invested in either team. On the other hand, I usually root for the underdog in Super Bowls not featuring my team, and that would be the Seahawks this year. On the first foot/third hand, the Broncos are my city's team, and I do love me some Peyton Manning. I have several Broncos fans who would be overjoyed at their team winning the Super Bowl for the first time since 1998; I like those people, and I want them to be as happy as I was last year. (I will NEVER be that happy ever again.)
I'm pathetically, hopelessly dead last in the work playoff pool this year after having won it all taking my team in every game for big points. One of the women in the pool didn't even play last week, and I'm STILL behind her!! I plan on letting my dog make my picks for this one. I'll be filming it and will obviously post it here for all to see.
So I guess I'll just cheer for both teams but say that the Broncos will win the Super Bowl this year.
Ray Lewis is in the top ten of NFL players who have been to the most Pro Bowls in their careers. With 13 appearances as of 2012 (he obviously didn't play the year the Ravens went to - AND WON - the Super Bowl), he's tied for second with greats such as Jerry Rice and Reggie White. Players old and young were excited to have him on their team; he mentored them, joked with them, and soaked up the Hawaiian sun with his teammates and colleagues.
It's one thing not to play in a Pro Bowl because you're preparing for Super Bowl Sunday, but how will Ray feel about not playing in one because he's retired? Antsy? Relieved?
Deion Sanders, one of the "captains" of the two Pro Bowl teams (along with Jerry Rice), tweeted that he was going to "suit up" for the game, despite the fact that the NFL repeatedly and vehemently denied that this was true. (Apparently, the bigwigs don't have a sense of humor.) Frankly, I think this would be hilarious. "Prime Time" was a flamboyant and talented player, and having him play would actually make the Pro Bowl worth watching. Let's face it: people only have the game on to get a football fix before the REAL bowl, and even then, they only have it on as background noise.
For the first time in five years, the Ravens aren't going to the playoffs. Frankly, we didn't deserve to win. We played like shit all year on all sides of the ball (except the Justin Tucker side, a.k.a. "the sexiest side of the ball"), and the fact that Andy Dalton threw FOUR PICKS and STILL got his team the division championship is [expletive deleted] ludicrous. But that was 2013; today is the second day of a shiny new year. A year when we'll hopefully fire (out of a cannon) Michael Oher, the most penalized player in the NFL. (Scroll about 2/3 down to find the stats; I can't direct link to it.) A year when we find a way to create an offensive line that keeps our (overpaid?) quarterback from ending up flat on his back like a high school kid on prom night. A year...sorry, I zoned out there, thinking about how happy I was a year ago. How full of hope and excitement that maybe - just maybe - this would be our year. *sigh* Those days seem like a lifetime ago.
ANYWAY...
I've found myself with an abundance of time this January during Sunday afternoons and evenings. I plan on visiting some places in Colorado I've never been to, maybe catch up on my reading, walk my dog a little bit more. I don't really have any team that I want to go all the way more than others. I'm basically rooting for everyone who plays the Broncos and the Patriots. One and done, baby. That's all I want. Shawn told me that someone had asked him if he'd finally root for the Broncos this year. His reply: "I'd rather root for ball cancer."
Me: "If I had a dollar for every time someone in the Ravens bar screamed, 'Hurry the fuck up, Joe!' at the TV, I could buy a pile of coke the size of this building."
Shawn: "You know who DOES have a dollar for every time someone's yelled that? Joe Flacco."
*rimshot* Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. Goodnight.
The time for participation in my work's playoff pool has arrived, but so far only three people (myself obviously included) have signed up. Shawn said that if we don't get more people by tomorrow, he will have to cancel the pool. I asked him to forward this to the other invitees, as he had bcc'd everyone, so I couldn't email them directly.
Dear fellow playoff pool members,
I understand that last year was a difficult one for all of you. I rode the dark horse all the way to the Super Bowl and playoff pool victory and didn’t even have the courtesy of buying you all drinks. (My credit card balance, however, felt that I had made the right choice.) This year, however, my beloved Ravens aren’t in the playoffs, so it seems that you will all have a good shot at winning. Remember, my first year here saw me getting a pathetically low amount of points, as I had no team to believe in. I find myself in a similar position this year. My only dreams remaining are that the Broncos and the Patriots will be sitting at home on Super Bowl Sunday, watching the same commercials I am and wondering when their lives went so terribly, terribly wrong.
So I implore all of you to join in the fun again this year so we can keep the tradition of mocking Shawn’s single-digit final score alive. Without a high number of participants, Shawn will cancel the playoff pool, and I’ll find myself devoid of any interest in football on Sundays for the remainder of the month. Please, give me something to live for; my Ravens certainly didn’t this season.
Sincerely, Nikki Cimino
Reigning Playoff Pool Champion
