AFC North: A Clusterf*ck of a Division

The first week of NFL football was a complete wreck, at least for fans of the teams of the AFC North. The Ravens were CLOBBERED by the Broncos. I was at that game, and all I could do was laugh. Nothing was going right for us, and Peyton and his receivers were throwing the ball over our defense like they were eighth graders, and our guys were fifth graders. Mile High was a dangerous and hostile place to be if you weren't a Broncos fan.

I was able to take solace in one beautiful fact though: while the Ravens lost to a future hall-of-famer, the Steelers lost to the TENNESSEE TITANS at their home stadium in Pittsburgh! They also lost four of their starters to injuries. It was basically a banner day for a loser who's less of a loser than other losers.

Nikki Post: #LOLjets, Pre-season Preview

While Gang Green beat the Giants in OT (BILLY CUNDIFF, of all people, made the game-winning FG), Head Coach Rex "Coach Fatty" Ryan chose to put presumed-starter Mark "Uh Oh Hotdog" Sanchez in as QB in the fourth quarter...behind the barely-third-string offensive line players. In a sack that literally made me yell in sympathy pain, Sanchez got SMASHED between two Giants D-men and left the game with what is speculated to be a very severe shoulder injury. The press corps, sportscasters, and fans of all kinds are wondering just WTF Rex was thinking. When the NY media (a blood-thirsty bunch, to be fair) asked him about it in the post-game presser, Rex basically lost his damn mind. Twitter obviously exploded. I made a Storify blog entry by pulling some of my favorite tweets about the Jets game tonight.

"Different Kind of Butt Fumble"

My fiancee Steve enjoys cruising the internet in his spare time. Besides looking at pictures of cats on Imgur, he likes to troll on ProFootballTalk. He shared this video with me, I guess because he couldn't live his life any longer unless someone else knew the pain he felt from having seen what cannot be unseen. (Warning: Slightly NSFW.)

Source: http://profootballtalk.nbcsports.com/2013/06/26/bizarre-sanchez-video-appears-online/

UPDATE: Aaron Hernandez Charged with Murder

Aaron Hernandez was officially charged with murder and several counts of unlawful possession of firearms. I wonder if they'll eventually add obstruction of justice to the charges, or if they consider a suspect destroying evidence to be a "natural" reaction?

Murder was the Case That They Gave Him: Patriots Edition

Transcript:

Troy: "So Mr. Lewis, any (cough...) advice for Mr. Hernandez?"
Ray:  "TROY! THAT'S A VERY RUDE QUESTION! MY PAST IS IN THE PAST! He should work with the DA, though. Probably turn himself in. Oh, and stop watching Scarface!"

You've probably heard by now that Patriots tight end Aaron Hernandez was arrested. While charges haven't been officially announced yet (they're waiting to arraign him), the case is MAD sketchy. A semi-pro football player was found in an industrial park a half-mile from Hernandez's house, shot execution style (which freaks me out the most). Apparently, Hernandez and the dead man, Odin Lloyd, were friends who had been seen hanging out before the killing. More sketch news: "ABC News has reported that Hernandez destroyed his cellphone and video surveillance system and had his home professionally cleaned the day Lloyd's body was found. And Massachusetts State Police have twice searched Hernandez's home, along with nearby woods and a pond." (from the article linked above; emphasis mine) Dude, that's some CSI stuff right there. Also, obstruction of justice.

This isn't the first time someone's accused Aaron Hernandez of committing an act of violence. A man in Florida accused him of shooting him in the face; the injury resulted in the loss of the man's eye. The man wouldn't cooperate with the cops though (WITNESS INTIMIDATION?!?!), so the case was "deemed inactive."

Now, everyone know that the US guarantees that you're "innocent until proven guilty", but let's get real here: the evidence against the tight end is pretty damning. He could at least be convicted of obstructing justice; that much is obvious. Now, I'm obviously a TOTALLY biased party, but I'd just like to say that the incident with Ray Lewis was much more confusing than this. No one knows who stabbed the victim, and Ray-Ray cooperated with police and plead guilty to move the case along. He paid the fees, did his time, and spent the rest of his life/NFL career staying on the straight and narrow and giving back to the community (including attempting to climb Mt. Kilimanjaro from July 2nd - July 9th (my birthday!)). I know I speak on behalf of all Ravens fans when I say, "Shut your mouths, haters." I'm looking forward to bringing up how the Pats players are criminals (oh! and don't forget Spygate) for years to come.

ProFootballTalk.com is obviously blowing up the article about the arrest. I'll end this entry with my favorite comment:

rodge1 says: Jun 26, 2013 10:31 AM: Somewhere Ballard and Tebow are high-fiving each other.

You Get What You Pay For?

The Texans revealed that their new safety Ed Reed (formerly of the Baltimore Ravens) recently "underwent arthroscopic surgery last week to repair a labral tear in his hip," according to the Houston Chronicle and briefly reported by ESPN. In talking with Shawn, these were my immediate reactions:

a) TOTALLY thought the article said he had a "labial" tear, which is VERY different than a "labral" tear.
b) Ed COULD just be faking this to get out of OTAs and work-outs because he HATES doing those.
c) Ed's old for a safety (35), and his body is that of a much older person (90).
d) The Texans are probably regretting their choice right about now... (Speaking of: "This was not in the Texans' plan when they signed Reed.")

Shawn's take on the news:

"All I can do is laugh. Picking up high priced, old free agents is always a bad idea. Always. I hope his labia comes out alright though."

"I Don't Think that Word Means What He Thinks It Means."

My lovely fiance Steve passed along this little gem of an article with the caption I used in this entry's title.

Apparently Mark Sanchez is "thrilled" to have competition for his job. He'll be "fighting" against the other 40,000 quarterbacks the Jets picked up/drafted because OH GOD NOT MARK SANCHEZ AGAIN they seem to be saying.

As always the commenters and trolls on Pro-Football Talk have come out of the woodwork to ban "Hotdog." Here are some of my favorite posts: