John Harbaugh is NOT a Fan of the Replacement Refs

Wish I could give credit for this delightful meme, but the Internet is a predominantly anonymous place. Thanks to whoever made this, however, for sharing sentiments shared by so many others in the NFL.

Thanks to my friend Kelsey for sharing this meme with me. Brightened my day.

Morale Boosting in the Dean's Suite

Tracy is our HR liaison in the dean's office. To maintain a semblance of privacy, facilities put up this cubicle wall by her desk and gave her a white board so she could write notes or leave messages about her comings and goings. My boss Lyndsey thought that using the white board for drawing little pictures was a better use of its services. Soon the drawings grew too elaborate for one small board. (We had a very creative mountain scene with skiers being rescued from avalanches and a Sasquatch; the drawing prior to this one was of mythical creatures ranging from a chupacabra throwing a person off a cliff to a mermaid to the Loch Ness monster to the aforementioned Bigfoot.) Citing "team morale" as a financial justification for my $6 purchase using company funds, I purchased Tracy's cubicle wall a larger white board. The first drawing was of Hogwarts, as Lyndsey is a big Harry Potter fan, but this two-board drawing of football players soon replaced it.

Originally, the drawing was of Peyton Manning (#18) passing to an unnamed offensive player while a red player wearing the #7 (John Elway) got ready to tackle his opponent. However, I pointed out that the number 7 is NOT an acceptable jersey number for a defensive player. Only quarterbacks, kickers, and punters are eligible to wear such a low number. This caused a lively debate between me and the HR Director, Kevin, who seemed to enjoy how riled up the issue made me. When I came in this morning, ALL of the players were wearing Elway's #7...so I changed all the numbers to those my favorite Ravens players wear. You'll see Joe Flacco (#5) passing to Anquan Boldin (#81) while defensive players Ray Lewis (#52), Terrell Suggs (#55, miraculously healed from his Achilles heel surgery), and Ed Reed (#20) prepare to tackle the veteran wide receiver. Needless to say, Kevin had a good laugh and then changed all the numbers back again.

I even snuck in a little Tebow burn while I was at it.

How to Fix an Offense on the Cheap

It's really nice of Troy to be so concerned about the Ravens' offensive line issues leading up to the start of the season. Ray, as always, is staying positive that the Ravens will get their problems solved in time for the big day. Honestly, I'm a little more worried about our defense! Losing T-Sizzle to the PUP list and having a secondary that makes me cringe could make the Ravens' D look less dominant than it has in a decade. And do NOT get me started on our special teams unit!!

The Steelers, meanwhile, are dealing with issues of their own. Contract problems, sloppy pre-season playing, and the injury Troy is referencing are also adding a little drama to Pittsburgh's talk radio shows.

T.O. is once again out of a job. As an empathetic person, I feel badly for him. After all, he's got a LOT of baby mamas to support and very little income. Maybe he can get a good job on a reality show or something. You don't need talent to get one of those these days.

Are You Ready, Ray?

Shawn was GIDDY when he told me that he had finally written his response to Troy's question on our white board. "I've been meaning to do it all morning," he said. "But I just haven't had the time!"

While his handwriting in this post is much clearer than usual, I'm still going to write out a transcript, just in case.

Troy: "Mr. Lewis, Are you ready for your game against the Jaguars?"
Ray: "THE IMMEDIACY WITH WHICH AN INDIVIDUAL'S PRIME FOCUS CAN BE EVALUATED IS IMPERITIVE  [sic] TO UNDERSTANDING THE SPIRIT OF THAT MAN'S CHARACTER!"
Troy: "And that means?"
Ray: "Yes."

It Could Always Be Worse...

In case his handwriting is incomprehensible for you, here's the transcript:

Ray: "HEY TROY! I'm feeling blue because of our loss on Friday. Could you cheer me up please?"
Troy: "Mr. Lewis, I'm sorry to hear about the loss. I find that in times like this it is best to remember it could be worse. You could be a Jet."

Best Security Team Ever

Shawn told me that the whole IT department has cameras and sensors set up in their offices and areas to prevent theft, hence why he doesn't worry when he leaves his door open. ...I didn't have the heart to tell Ray and Troy.

Fire, or Shawn is Really Weird

I've been sitting here for a few minutes in the wee hours of my work day trying to figure out what to title this post. Shawn was very proud that he made a Ray Vs. Troy on his own, and while it's randomly funny...it's also rather weird.

An appropriate quote for this post comes from the famous Run of rap superstars Run D.M.C.: "To burn my kingdom, you must use fire, I won’t stop rockin’ till I RETIRE..."

Transcript:

Troy: "Mr. Lewis, have you ever been fired?"
Ray: "FIRED? NO! I LIT MY ARM ON FIRE ONCE JUST TO FEEL THE PAIN. YOU?"
Troy: "My hair got burned a bit once while barbecuing. It's ok though. Insurance covered the damage."

Ch-Ch-Ch-Chia!

Because Shawn's hand-writing is a little difficult to decipher in this post, here's a transcript:

Troy: "Mr. Lewis, I heard that as we get older it can be hard to stay in shape to play football. I heard some players eat Chia Pet seeds to retain water. How do you stay ready to play and keep grey hair away?"

Ray: "I'M GLAD THAT WE CAN TALK ABOUT THIS, TROY! I HAD A CAMEL'S HUMP SURGICALLY ADDED TO MY BACK TO RETAIN WATER, ESPECIALLY IN DRIER CLIMES! AND I HAVE A FOUNTAIN OF YOUTH IN MY HOUSE TO STAY GOOD-LOOKING!"

And yes, this is actually a thing.

The TRUE Meaning of "NFL"

Last night was the first night of pre-season football for the Ravens and the Steelers. Ray tells Troy how he spent the night after the first quarter.

FOOOOOOOOTBAAAAAALLL!!!

OH MY GOD, YOU GUYS, IT'S FOOTBALL SEASON FINALLY!!

And I'm not the only one who's excited!!

The Ravens and the Steelers both have their first preseason games tonight (8/9/12), and honestly? It couldn't come have come soon enough. Surprisingly, the Baltimore Orioles are doing GREAT this year, but after decades of disappointment and sorrow, I'm terribly jaded about their ability to play baseball well. My fiance is pretty stoked though.

Shawn and I are also hoping that the beginning of football season will curb the amount of NFL players getting arrested every week. Maybe with something exhausting and positive to do with their time, players will feel less inclined to get hammered and drive their cars into things or punch their moms or get caught with a ton of weed in their possession. One can only hope.

Article for Steelers fans: Tomlin on the Preseason Opener. (Steelers @ Eagles)

Article for Ravens fans: Previewing the Ravens' Preseason Opener. (Ravens @ Falcons)

"This is Birdland, Dammit." - Fans need to rally behind the Orioles

The Great Healers

Because the picture quality is less than ideal (I was hurrying to take the picture before leaving, and it was taken on my camera-phone, as always), here is the dialogue transcript:

Ray: "HEY TROY! I SURE AM SORRY THAT I TORE BEN'S ROTATOR CUFF!"
Troy: "That's ok, Mr. Lewis. Tim Tebow & I laid hands on him, and now he's all better."
Ray: "COULD YOU FIX SIZZLE PLEASE?!"
Troy: "I'm afraid I can't do that, sir. My team wants to win this year."
Ray: "...Dang."

I think Ray is just *assuming* that he was the cause of Big Ben's injury, so I'd take his apology with a grain of salt.

Shawn approached me this morning and sternly told me that I should be "ashamed" for going against Troy's character. "He would NEVER lay hands on someone, and he would NEVER refuse to help someone just to win a football game!" While Shawn is absolutely correct, I just really liked the image I got in my head of Big Ben touching Troy's hair and being miraculously cured while Tim Tebow, standing in a halo of light, being sung to by angels, prayed for Ben's quick recovery. Out of respect to my colleague, however, I will do better in the future about maintaining continuity of the characters in our blog.

It's All about the Benjamins, Baby

The Steelers are having a little drama off the field, and Ray tries to get the inside scoop. Troy, however, remains loyal to his team mate.

The trouble with Mike Wallace: http://bleacherreport.com/articles/1278602-mike-wallace-holdout-pittsburgh-steelers-should-listen-to-trade-offers-for-wr